[tricorder beeps]
Tony.
Gena Marino, my seventh grade geology teacher?
What-- What are you doing in space? And in a revealing toga?
Don't worry about all that, Tony.
Come here. Let me brush your hair.
You can tell me about that race car novel you're writing.
[gasps] Oh, my gosh.
I've never told anyone about that.
I wrote myself in as the main character. His name's Speedy McWheels--
So clever. Tell me more.
[screaming]
[Freeman] Captain's log. Stardate 56789.10.
Jengus IV is a remote planet which was believed to be uninhabited
until indigenous silicate creatures called the Scrubble
started turning Federation scientists into statues.
Captain Murakami of the USS Hood answered the distress call
and brokered tentative peace.
With the conflict resolved, the Cerritos and the Carlsbad
are coordinating to relocate the outpost.
Once again, we're cleaning up a mess for a bunch of outpost scientists.
You know why these guys are always getting eaten, disappearing,
or getting eggs laid in their chest?
'Cause they're working on the frontier?
Because they're weirdos!
You wanna explore space? Join Starfleet, go to the Academy.
But, no! That's too much effort.
They just gotta get their degrees in studying spores or whatever,
then head off into the quadrant and get devoured by a plant!
Is this a mission briefing or a stand-up routine?
Oh, no, no. His stand-up's more a raw, unfiltered take on dating and mating.
Ugh.
Anyway, now that the Scrubble and the scientists
have agreed not to attack each other,
it's our job to set up a new base and remove these.
Psychic mines. They read your thoughts and bring your fantasies to life,
then turn you to stone.
Be careful down there.
Captain wants us to look good in front of the Carlsbad crew.
Cali-class gets real gossipy.
Glad to see that our priorities are in the right place.
Just follow Stevens's orders like they were coming from me.
Because we're best friends and we share a sacred bond.
Dismissed.
[sighs] You have to stop saying that we have a sacred bond.
I feel it, sir, and I know you do too.
Ooh, Tendi, we're heading down to the planet to move a bunch of rocks.
Ah, that's so cool!
Wish I could join, but I'm starting my senior science officer training today.
Whoa, look at you getting all bridge-ready.
[yelps] I've been prepping so much,
I'm afraid my brain's gonna explode with science.
[sighs] That's how I wanna go.
All right! I'm off to find out who my senior officer mentor is.
Wish me luck! Wait, no.
Wish me facts.
-Ah! Ensign, join me! -Hey, Doctor Migleemo!
Sorry, I don't have time to chat.
I'm actually meeting my mentor for senior science officer training.
Well, I wonder who that could be? It's me! [laughs]
-'Tis I. -Wait, what?
Through the strange alchemy of command,
the task of mentoring you has fallen to me.
Now, grab a seat and let's get started!
Oh, and do help yourself to some of these Corvarian sludge worms.
They are exquisitely charred.
-Oh. G-Great. [chuckles] -[slurps] Mmm!
Lieutenant Commander Stevens? Ensign Kearns reporting.
We're here to provide assistance from the Carlsbad.
Great! You guys will dismantle and relocate the outpost equipment.
Cerritos, you're gonna clear the area of fantasy rocks,
which are still live, so be careful.
Uh, what do we do if our fantasies appear?
Well, they should dissipate after a few hours,
but if anything should try to tempt you,
you know, think about parrises squares.
What up, 'badders? I'm Mariner, that's Rutherford,
and this little bird-boned fella is Boimler.
Uh, yeah, we know who you are.
Everyone's heard about the Cerritos.
Um… Cool?
Oh, hey, you guys were just at Pellex II, right?
Did you get a chance to sneak over to the old Pleasure Festival?
No, we were aboard our ship, following orders.
We do not sneak.
Yeah, no, I just meant, uh--
Look, I don't sneak either. I didn't mean sneak. I just--
It's gonna be a slog today.
If you guys get sick of dismantling the station,
-we can always switch it up. -Uh-huh.
Hey, Cor'dee, is "switching it up" in our mission parameters?
It is not. And why are we wasting time with all this talk?
-Uh, well, I just, I-- -Look,
we've heard about how you do things on the Cerritos.
We're not here to screw around.
What the hell is their problem?
They were acting like the Cerritos was a joke.
-Do we have a reputation? -I don't know.
Look, we should probably get to work.
-[whirs] -[grunts]
[Mariner growls]
So, have you ever trained a science office officer before?
Absolutely… not!
No, I didn't know they did this.
But Starfleet sent along a lovely manual which I have been skimming.
So you and I will be learning together. Now, isn't that fun?
Sure is.
Now, let's see here. "Table of Contents," good start.
"Foreword by Ambassador Spock." Hmm. Not bad.
Okay, Vulcan stuff, Vulcan stuff, Vulcan stuff.
I tell you what, it would've been logical to find an editor.
Just so you know, I've been studying super hard.
-Microbiology, xenobiology, astrobiology-- -[laughs]
There really are a lot of sciences, aren't there?
-Too many if you ask me. -Uh, it seems like proper amount, but--
What I'm saying is, I think I'm ready for the exam right now.
Well, according to this,
science officer training is less about tests
and more about learning to be, ooh, "the voice of science." Cute!
But maybe it's, like, also a test?
'Cause I just really wanna take a test.
Tendi, does it matter how much you know if nobody's listening?
Captains have big egos.
You need to cut through that and speak for science.
Which is why you'll be serving as a science officer trainee
with Captain Freeman today!
Isn't she busy with an important negotiation?
Exactly. I want you to focus on getting the captain's attention.
Really prove that you've got the grapes to stand up to her.
But won't that make her mad?
Oh, definitely.
Garçon! One more round of millet and cut me off after that.
[groans]
[grunts]
Whoa!
Hey, Samanthan, you wanna come over here
and help me design some Galaxy-class starship engines?
Leah Brahms.
No, man, no!
Think about parrises squares. Think of--
-This is your fantasy? -Oh, yeah.
Doctor Brahms was instrumental in advancing warp field theory.
I need a big-brain engineer who can help me extrude some plasma
and run some tests.
[yelps] No, leave me alone!
Look at those stupid Carlsbad ensigns. What did they mean "screw around"?
Cali-class ships are all practically the same.
The hell are they so smug about?
I mean, we have gotten into some pretty notable shenanigans.
Oh, please. Like what?
-That Klingon who took off in the ship… -We tussled with mugatos, Pakleds--
-[Boimler] …and the ship got terraformed. -Twice with the Pakleds.
-Was there a thing with time travel? -We scared that drill instructor.
I get it. Yeah. Shenanigans. You know what?
Today we're gonna do our job faster and better,
and kick their asses Cerritos-style.
I mean, we can try. But they're kind of amazing.
[grunts]
[chuckles]
What the-- Did you see that? She's rubbing it in.
-No, I'm the one who rubs. I rub! -Okay. You know what? You're right.
Let's pick up the pace and smoke these guys.
[grunts]
[Rutherford grunts]
-Come with me. -[gasps]
We could increase gravimetric power limits all night long.
Rutherford, stay strong!
Parrises squares, iron mallet, shiny blue uniforms.
Ah, come on.
I can't believe that's tempting to you.
Yeah, these things will have to try a lot harder to get in my head.
Ensign Boimler, there you are! Quick! Get in, son.
The Borg are attacking. Starfleet needs that Boimler magic.
I knew this day would come!
Yes, sir, Admiral. Let's ro--
-Dude, come on. -Huh? Oh. Geez. Sorry.
Also, a sidecar? Even in your fantasy, you're not driving?
Driving's scary. I'm a natural passenger.
Oh, hey, babe.
I was about to go yell at Ransom,
really tear him a new one for being so annoying.
Wanna come watch?
Nice try, "babe," but I'll hold off for the real deal back on the ship.
[chuckles] Okay. You and Jennifer are "babe-ing" each other now?
Uh, yeah, I guess we have been.
Aw, it's nice to see you with a girlfriend
instead of destroying everything in your path.
She's not my girlfriend. We're just hanging out.
-We're not into labels. -Oh, I'm into labels.
I'm fine being your hot Andorian girlfriend.
Is that your fantasy?
No, we're-- No, go find Leah Brahms. Shut up.
Ooh! Somebody's blushing.
[chuckling] Ooh, I think she is!
-I'm detecting an elevated heart rate! -Stop looking at my heart rate!
We have to ignore these totally inaccurate fantasies at all costs.
Come and look at the warp core with me and Leah.
[groans]
I had no idea that Captain Maier was gonna be so fresh-faced.
What, he just graduate from the Academy yesterday?
I don't know, but word around the fleet
is that he's on the fast track to a Galaxy-class.
Uh, Captain,
I've been researching Captain Murakami's logs about the Scrubble,
-and I think they are-- [groans] -[Freeman] Captain Maier,
your reputation precedes you.
As does yours, Captain Freeman.
I'm excited to learn from how you close this deal today.
Well, most of the work's already been done.
We just need to get everyone to sign off on final points.
Should only take a minute or two.
Still, it'll be good to see how the old school knocks this out.
I'm sure we can do-- Wait, "old school"?
Hold on. That is totally unfair.
We had no idea that the rocks we were studying had any silicate life.
What you call "silicate life," we just call "life."
-You do not seem alive to us. -[Freeman clears throat]
Everyone, everyone, please. Welcome to the Cerritos.
We have the treaty details you've agreed to right here.
Perhaps some refreshments?
The Scrubble thanks you, Captains.
We appreciate the respect you both show the Scrubble,
-unlike these insolent scientists. -Hey!
May we present you with a sacred Scrubble totem?
Oh, thank you so much. It's lovely. Captain Maier, please feel free
to take this token of respect for your collection.
Oh, I couldn't possibly, Captain Freeman.
As the more senior officer, the statue's all yours.
-[chuckles] Take the statue, young man. -[laughs] No, I couldn't impose.
-Take it. -No, you.
-No, it's yours. It's yours. -Get it away. No!
[grunts, panting]
Please let me help. I can make you a captain, Boimler.
[grunts]
-[panting] -Can you triple-check my math?
[grunts]
[grunts, chuckles]
[gasps] Nailed it, babe! Let's make out.
Yo, Kearns! Five more and we're done.
Looks like you guys have a ways to go, huh?
-[Kearns scoffs] -[screams, groans]
What are you doing? Come on. Pick it up!
I think I pulled my dominant groin.
[laughs] This is great. It's totally working.
-[grunts] -Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Did you just dunk that fantasy rock?
-The hell were you thinking? -Moving fast, sir. Getting the job done.
Well, slow it down. These things are dangerous.
They're not a bunch of dang basketballs.
Well, we just wanted to make sure these Carlsbad guys didn't outpace us
and make Commander Ransom look like an ineffectual leader.
Ineffectual-- Why would they say that?
Yeah, we overheard them saying Ransom was a joke,
and that his teams are slow, and his core is weak.
Bull [bleep]! He's got the strongest core in the fleet!
Now, hurry up! Let's move some frickin' rocks!
Let me show you how a pro does it. Whoa!
Uh, Sir? What happens if these things break?
I'm sure it's fine. It probably just makes a real big fantasy, right? [laughs]
Watch out, giant ham sandwich incoming.
[roars]
Oh, my God! Kukulkan!
[screams] Whoa!
My beautiful arms! [screams]
[all scream]
-What was that thing? -Guys, I don't think that was a fantasy.
I think these rocks are reading our nightmares!
But I don't like my nightmares.
What is that?
[hisses]
[clowns cackling]
[all screaming]
-[ensigns panting] -[clowns cackling]
In here, quick!
[grunts]
-[groans, gasps] -Wow. Good aim is hot.
[screaming]
[nightmare Jennifer] I wanna be exclusive.
I want us to grow old and boring and grow orchids together, babe.
-[snarls] -[Mariner and Boimler grunting]
[panting]
[nightmare Jennifer] Settle down with me!
-[grunts] -Whoo!
Mariner, you might want to go back to therapy.
-[gasps, screams] -[groans]
-Cerritos, come in. -[static]
Of course. It's not a real day in Starfleet till comms get blocked.
Okay. How long before these things dissipate?
With those psychic mines broken, who knows?
We'll have to wait it out.
[groans] We are trapped in a cave, and your commander is armless.
I fear we will be penalized for this.
No, I will. I made us rush.
Why? We had all day.
You guys were going so fast. We were trying to speed up to beat you.
[sighs] It's clear the Cerritos has a bad reputation.
We didn't want to live up to it.
Wow. I'm speechless.
Come on. Don't pile on.
Look, the Cerritos is actually a really great place to serve--
No, no. I mean, we were the ones who were rushing.
What?
You guys are so cool, and we were just trying to impress you.
Wait, you think we're cool?
Yes! The tales of your exploits are widely shared.
The Cerritos is, in fact, the coolest.
[Maier] Collecting stuff isn't really a thing with my generation.
No disrespect. I just don't need flashy trinkets to--
It's a normal rock.
Ensign, come here. Scan this thing and tell Captain Maier it's not flashy.
Hmm… It has an anomalous molecular composition.
I'm actually getting some pretty interesting readings--
-Stop talking. It's clearly not fancy. -[laughs]
See, there you go.
A "pretty interesting" object for a pretty experienced captain.
Captains, Captains.
Maybe we should get to business. What do you say?
-Take the rock. -You take it.
-[Freeman] No. It's a gift! -[Maier] Don't you dare. No!
-Just take the rock and shut up! -Just take it! Take it!
Oh, yeah. All the Cali-class crews talk about the Cerritos.
You guys are famous.
Famous? Us? No way.
Come on. The Cerritos is like the Enterprise of the support ships.
You have survived battles with the Pakleds.
You four stood strong in an alien trial.
It was more of a party. But thanks.
All the other Cali-class ships just do what they're told,
but the Cerritos kicks ass.
We kinda freaked out when we got this mission.
We just wanted to show you that we could keep up.
[scoffs] You did more than keep up. You guys were crushing it.
-[hisses] -[all scream]
[Boimler] No, no, no! Phaser it!
Give us your distinctiveness. [laughs, coughs]
What?
-You're scared of basketballs? -I'm not.
So, your greatest fantasy is basketball?
No, I hadn't heard the word "basketball" in years,
until Stevens said it just before the nightmares showed up.
I guess the stones must have pulled that from my mind too?
Fantasies and fears I get, but why access that part of your brain?
Uh, there's a bunch of stuff out there that doesn't make sense.
-Hey, babe. [giggles] -[clown blowing trumpet]
[Boimler] Does Jennifer wear hats?
No. Her antennae are too sensitive.
[gasps] But I did overhear Levy mansplaining
the difference between a porkpie and a fedora to some poor cadet the other day.
These stones are recording way more than we thought.
-[tricorder beeps] -Something in here
is streaming a ton of data.
Whatever's receiving it is back there.
[screams] Give it to me straight, Doc. Is it bad?
You're fine. Just relax.
I need a sedative over here!
-Here you go, Doctor. -What the [bleep] are you doing here?
Weren't you supposed to start science officer stuff with Migleemo?
Yep. First day. It's going great.
-[bleep] the bed, huh? -Yes, I think that's accurate.
-Ah, geez. Are you about to cry? -[sniffling]
This guy's not even crying and his toes are getting digested.
-They are? -Shut up. Don't move.
I just don't know if I'm cut out to be a science officer.
I can't get the captain to listen to me.
Okay. Guess we're doing this.
Tendi, of course you're cut out for it. That's why I recommended you.
Then why am I blowing it? All my studying hasn't helped at all.
No, no. Studying is good, but in real life there's gonna be times
when you need to make a mess of things before you can fix 'em.
Like how I'm gonna have to cut this guy's foot off
-so we can grow him a new one. -Wait, what was that?
You'll be a great officer on the bridge one day,
but you're gonna have to risk screwing things up to get there.
-You understand? -I do. Thanks, Doc.
[Tendi] Good luck growing it back.
Hey, so you were just kidding about my foot to make a point, right? [laughs]
-[yowls] -[patient screams]
[screams] Cave bug! We've got cave bugs in here!
Wait. Look. I think this is a door?
Huh. That's not a usual thing for a cave.
Hey. There's an access panel over here.
-[ensigns gasping] -[Mariner mouthing] What?
[Carlsbad ensign] Whoa. What is this place?
Don't know. But this is definitely the receiver.
And some kind of storage device.
-Look. -It's storing all our thoughts.
It has our security clearances, passwords, personal information.
My uncle Trent drunk dancing at my cousin's wedding.
-Damn! Get it, Trent. -This thing is a literal data mine.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. But look at the equipment.
It's all Federation tech.
The outpost scientists must have installed it. But why?
Unless they and the Scrubble are…
Working together.
-We should probably report this, huh? -Big-time.
Hey! You think there's any chance the crazy crystal cavern
is maybe boosting comms?
-I don't know. Yeah, no, of course not. -[static]
Well, you guys lucked out.
You're getting the full Cerritos experience today. [grunts]
Whoo!
[all whooping, shouting]
[clowns laughing]
-Ah, ha, ha! -[shouts]
[screams]
-[Mariner grunts] -[snarls]
Die!
-Kearns to Carlsbad! -Boimler to Cerritos!
-Sorry. Do you wanna-- -[Kearns] Did I step on your--
-Requesting immediate-- -We need emergency--
-Okay, I can walk over there if you-- -Wow.
-[Kearns] Are you sure? [screams] -It's okay. No, no. It's fine.
-[Maier] Just take it! -[Freeman] No, you take it!
How about if we split it? Shaxs, phaser this thing in half.
-Now we're talking! -How dare you! This is a sacred gift.
Why don't we just go back down to the planet and get another one?
No! I'm running the negotiations, and I say Maier gets the rock.
-And, as your guest, I decline. -[Freeman] What is wrong with you?
Just take the thing and stick it in the closet like everybody else.
I'm not gonna be the captain who wouldn't let Carol Freeman
-have a peace treaty gift! -I don't need it!
If someone doesn't take it, we're not signing the treaty.
Someone just take the damn thing so we can get this over with!
Everybody stop yelling!
-I'm having flashbacks! -Hold on. Everyone, stop!
We just got back from the planet. You have to stop this.
-What are you doing? -[Kearns] It's true.
-We scanned and found-- -Just take the rock!
-Shut up! -[all gasp]
Ensign! Have you lost your mind?
Look at the damn rock!
[Ransom] Is that Federation tech?
Those anomalous readings? It's an internal power source.
Tendi's right. These guys are working together.
They have a whole system down there where they read minds using rocks
and store it with Federation systems.
A spy device?
And you both wanted it planted in a captain's office.
They would've heard top secret communications, deployments.
Well, this is, uh, preposterous! I want to go back to my cave this instant.
Yes, yes. And I have important work to do at the outpost.
-Groundbreaking stuff. -[Scrubble yelps]
[growls]
Actually, I think I'm finally ready to start this meeting.
[scoffs] Great plan, genius.
[Freeman] Captain's log, supplemental. The animosity between the Scrubble
and Outpost 76 scientists
was a manufactured deception designed to distract from their plan to collect
and sell sensitive Starfleet intelligence on the black market.
Apparently, the scientists wanted to purchase better equipment,
and the Scrubble wanted more… rocks?
[sighs] I don't get how that would-- Whatever.
Anyway, they'll both be answering to a Federation tribunal.
In recognition of their excellent teamwork,
Captain Maier and I have authorized
a small celebration for our combined crews.
I was like, "Okay, Doc. If I was brain-dead for ten minutes,
then how come I saw a koala sitting on a black"--
Wait. Where are you going?
Okay. Looks like it's just you and me, old friend--
[screams] Cinnamon schnapps!
Innkeeper. Two Grimpari Sun Storms, one for me and one for my mentee,
who made sure she was heard.
I couldn't have done it without a great mentor.
Why, thank you, Tendi.
I must admit, this new role rather suits me.
A toast. To me and, to a lesser extent but also worth noting, Tendi.
[clears throat] Carol? I need to apologize for my behavior today.
I hope you don't think less of me.
Well, you and the Carlsbad team impressed the hell out of me.
In fact, I got you something.
-But this is gonna record my-- -Don't worry. It's been neutralized.
I know you think collecting trinkets is old-school, but--
I would be honored. Are you sure you don't want it?
Please. That's the little half. I kept the big one for myself.
[both laugh]
You guys really lived up to your reputations today.
Wow. We had no idea anyone talked about the Cerritos.
Well, maybe not across the fleet, but you're definitely Cali-class famous.
Really? What do they say?
-Mariner's an unstoppable force of nature. -[Mariner] Truth.
Rutherford's a genius with crazy implant powers.
-Okeydokey! -Tendi's a ray of optimistic sunshine.
-Aw. -Only thing people get wrong is Boimler.
Let me guess, everyone thinks I'm older, right?
No. In stories, you're described as a tiny, comedic robot
that is always getting into trouble.
-Wait. What do they say? -[all laughing]
-Yes, that is so accurate. -No, it's not!
I expected you to be, like, a hovering cube or something.
You gotta tell people I'm a man.
No. Please keep telling people he's a cube.
-Mariner, no! Don't do that! -Aw…
[robotic voice] Boimler wants to be people.
[Boimler] Guys, please!
Please tell them I'm people!
Guys, I'm people!
Pew pew! Pew, pew, pew! Pew pew!
Chirp.