- Well, what did you think?
- Tis quite the first edition.
Uh, some wine, Christoph.
Your appearance is that of a man at death's door.
- The consequence of writing a volume in one's own blood.
- I assumed from the smell.
And, uh... the pages are made from your own skin?
- Mine and others.
- Right.
- Willing vessels
tasked with bringing this most powerful book into being.
Besides, what use will skin and blood be in the next world?
- Quite. So how many copies do you anticipate...
- Copies?
There can be no copies.
- You wish only to sell one book?
- There can be only one "Praecepta Mortuorum."
It's value is equal to a thousand ditties
by that twat Milton.
Whosoever possess the book shall wield such magicks...
- Can I just stop you there?
- Yes?
- It may please you to know I've identified
an interested party.
- Pleased, yes.
Surprised? Hardly.
- We shall see.
In here, High Inquisitor.
- No, you didn't.
- Well...
- Have you read it?
All of it?
- I skimmed it. I'm a publisher.
- No, Antoine. You were a publisher.
Sadly for you, dear scribe, the end shall not be so tidy.
I only pray that you have skin on your bones
enough to peel.
Take him.
- No, no! No, please!
No!
(humming)
(music)
- Can you help me?
- Astrid...
The sensation that you're being haunted
or Casper syndrome as it's also known,
can often be triggered as a response to some
intense psychological trauma.
- Have you had any traumatic events recently?
- Um...
Well, my house burnt down, and I saw my mum on fire.
Then I was taken to a hospital,
but instead of doctors, it was full of, like,
groaning shadows that chased me.
And then I saw my mum again,
only this time she was a smoldering ghost.
- Huh.
Yes, well, you know...
You're certainly in the right ballpark.
- Yeah, that could do it.
- That'll do it.
Okay?
(beeping)
Okay.
We'll share a breath.
Okay.
I'm gonna get a bit technical here, so forgive me.
I'm gonna need you to tune out the front bit of your brain
so I can talk to the back bit.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- Okay.
What's your favorite TV show?
- "Friends". - Oh, I like "Friends".
- Shh, shh, shh.
Okay, my darling.
Let's just close your eyes.
Not you. What are you doing?
- Just...
- Imagine you're watching an episode of "Friends".
There's Chandler, doing a joke.
(chuckles) Why's Monica so neurotic?
There's Gunther,
the capuchin monkey.
Gunther, the capuchin monkey.
Relax.
The next voice I talk to
will be that of Astrid's subconscious.
Hello, Astrid's subconscious.
(distorted voice) - Hello, Gus.
- When did you first start to encounter these ghosts?
- At the hospital.
- Do you remember where the hospital is?
(device beeps)
- Near where you first saw me.
By the road.
I'm inside there now.
It's dark.
(beeping intensifies)
(heavy breathing)
(normal voice) They're here.
(explosion, shouts)
- Oh.
- Um... Is that a good sign or a bad sign?
(snores)
(whirring)
(computer chimes)
- Dad, what are you doing?
- Jesus, you scared me.
I just want to get on the internet
to send a video message.
- Why not use the internet on the phone I bought you?
- This? - Yes.
It's also a computer.
- Huh, I knew that.
- Yeah, just put the kettle on, will you?
Hey, we got to get to work.
And you're more than welcome to tag along until lunchtime.
- Why, what's happening at lunchtime?
- We are going to see Janey Feathers.
It should be good.
- Who might you be?
- Oh, this is Astrid.
- Hello. - Hello, Astrid.
How do you know these two reprobates?
- She is my... niece. - She's my girlfriend.
- But you only met Gus this week.
- Yeah.
But I went to his for supper
the other day and she was there, too, so
we were just like, oh!
And then I just thought I'd ask her
if she wanted to go out with me,
and obviously she was like, "Yeah."
And...
- I'm shadowing them for work experience.
- Which is what we'll go with for now.
- Gus Roberts, didn't want one partner,
now he's got two.
- I wouldn't call them partners.
- Astrid, you're in for such a treat.
Your uncle here is only the greatest installer
we've ever had.
He managed to get our coverage up to 100%,
and with the rollout of 6g,
we're really going to be ramping up our installation.
So you have picked a very fun time
to be part of the Smyle gang.
- Okay.
- Thank you, boss. Let's get cracking.
(phone rings)
- Absolutely. - Here we go.
- Excellent. - Have a good 'un.
- Dave speaking, how can I put a smile on your face today?
(voice echoing)
Hello?
Hello? Hello?
For Pete's sake.
Bjorn, it's happened again.
No one on that. Fifth time today.
- Oh, Gus!
- Hey, Janey.
- Hello, how are you? You look well.
- Thank you.
- Mwah! - Thank you.
- Is this the subject?
- Ah, no this is Elton, who I work with.
- Very peculiar aura.
- This is who I was telling you about, Astrid.
- No offense, but I'll need to do a cleanse
before can I let you across the threshold.
Give me a sec.
This way.
- How have you been, anyway? - You've had the carpets done.
- I have, do you like it?
It's been a long time.
- Hey.
She's ready for you.
Come on.
What you looking at?
(chattering)
- So, you're the girl with all the ghosts.
- Yeah, well, either that or I'm going mad.
- There's nothing mad about what goes on in here, dear.
I presume Gus has told you about the time we tried
to contact Emily.
- Who's Emily?
- We're here to talk about the things that are
bothering Astrid, not me, so...
Should we just crack on?
- Well, you know the rules, cash up front.
- What's the going rate for a séance these days?
- 50, normally, but I'll do it for 40, seeing as it's you.
- GUS: All right - Gus, I don't have--
- I've got you, it's fine.
Oh, come on.
- Come on, spirits compel it.
- Sure.
- Sit.
Right, I'm just going to light a few candles
and smudge the kitchen up with sage.
The "Praecepta Mortuorum."
Written on human skin
and inked in the blood of Satanist zealots.
Got it in a car boot in Gloucester.
Got him down to a fiver because the back page was missing.
- Do you think it's the original one?
- I tried using it once and the curtains caught on fire.
- Emily wrote a paper on this book.
- I know she did, who'd you think she borrowed it off?
- Hey, uh... do you think I could--
- Not on your nellie.
I'd never have lent it to Emily
if I'd know what it could do. What was in it.
- Somebody tell me who Emily is.
- Gus's wife.
Sorry. Dead wife.
- Right, enough of that, now.
Let's see if we can talk to these ghosts.
With the lighting of this spirit candle,
we make transparent the barriers between dimensions.
See us, talk to us.
All are welcome.
- Sorry.
If the things that are haunting me do appear, what will you do?
- They can't actually cross over.
You'd need some potent magicks to create a door.
- Oh.
- It's just I've seen "The Exorcist".
- Oh, this isn't an exorcism, dear.
And if your head starts spinning
and you try to stick a crucifix up your what's-it,
I'll blow the candle out, okay?
That severs the connection.
- Right.
- Can we do this?
- The light that illuminates the ethereal membrane
compels your communion.
(wind blowing)
- Windy, idn't it?
- Is that them?
- It's windy.
- Something doesn't feel right.
(rattling)
(gasps)
- Janey...
(car honking)
- Oh my God!
Oh, no!
- They're here!
I can see them!
- Ah!
- Now!
(panting)
- What the fuck did you just bring into my home?
These aren't just restless spirits
of the loved ones who've past.
These are malevolent entities.
And somehow, we've just rolled out the welcome mat.
I'm sorry, sweetheart, but I can't help you.
Not sure anyone can, eh?
- Hey, don't say that.
- Right, come on, out.
I've got a hot stone massage and a chakra cleanse this arvo.
I'll need to tidy this place up, it's a bloody bum site.
Come on.
- Oh, and Gus? - Yeah?
- My offer still stands, you know.
If you want your stones massaged,
you know where I am.
It's time you moved on, isn't it?
- Yeah, I am moving on.
- Just stay. - What?
- Really? I just get really horny when spirits come out.
- Yeah, I know you do.
- Let's see if this works.
There...
That's good. That's okay. Perfect.
- Hello, HellsBellsTells.
It is me.
Well, I just wanted to say how much I enjoyed your videos
and how much they resonated with...
What?
What the fuck is that?
Oh, come on.
What? Oh, no.
What the...
Oh, what?
Uploading...
Uploading? No, no, no, no!
How do you delete this?
- What if the demons are still here?
- Relax. I've got holy water in the screen wash.
I've got you.
- Should we drop you home?
- Oh, thank you, but... it burnt down.
- You could stay at mine.
- Really? - Yeah.
I'm sure Helen won't mind.
HELEN: No way!
- Oh, come on, Helly, it'll only be for about three days.
It'll be fine.
- You know that this is a bad time for me.
CovCo CosCon is only days away!
Plus I'm in agony with my RSI.
- Oh, hello. - Ow!
- I'm so sorry, I thought she was trying to say hello.
- Yeah, I wouldn't touch her.
- Yeah.
What's CovCo CosCon?
- It's...
- Coventry Collectibles and Cosplay Convention.
Well, thank you.
- Elton? - Hmm?
- I'm getting one of my tension headaches.
- Okay, um, can you just give me a minute?
Yeah, I just... all right? Thanks.
- Have you heard of CovCo CosCon?
- No.
Ah-ha.
Seems like the kind of event people go to when they've got
nothing better to do than dress up like Japanese anime
or... space men.
No, you wouldn't catch me going to something like that.
Oh my God.
Dr. Peter Toynbee is giving a talk!
I have to go to this.
- Who's Dr. Peter Toynbee?
- Dr. Peter Toynbee?
He's a conspiracy theorist.
A recluse.
He's the man who did extensive research on the theory
behind interdimensional consciousness.
- Oh. What are you talking about?
- I'm talking about ghosts, baby.
(chuckles)
- So? - Hey.
Great news.
Helen would love for you to stay!
- Oh. - (Helen screams)
Dad?
(mutters)
(phone rings)
- ELTON: Hey, Gus. - Get your coats on.
I'm coming to pick you up.
- What, now?
- Yeah, right now.
GUS: Is this it?
- ASTRID: Yeah. We're close.
- GUS: Now, I've spent quite a lot of time researching your case.
And I think the key to solving your problem
lies here, the place where it all began.
- How are you so sure?
- It's, well...
Uh...
- You stole that from Janey Feathers.
- I didn't steal it.
- She said it burned her curtains.
- Look, it's fine, all right?
You just got to know what you're doing.
Now, fortunately for us my late wife Emily...
She spent many months
translating passages in this book.
I'm pretty sure I found the correct one
that will help us solve your ghost problem.
- How sure?
- Oh, you want an actual figure?
Uh...
85%.
- Hmm.
- Mm. - Let's go.
Dr. Toynbee's very clear on this.
The victim of the haunting must return to the place
whence it began in order to be rid of it.
Here we go. Keep a lookout.
(clanging)
- It's this way.
(whispering)
Do you hear that?
- It's just the wind.
- Sounds like whispering.
- It's free to whisper.
(clatter)
Yeah, I think this is it.
You sure?
85%.
Okay, well, Elton and I will set up
here at the nurse's station
and maybe you could try and relax,
just pop up on the bed and have a chill pill.
- You're going to leave me here? Alone?
How am I supposed to have a chill pill?
- I'm sorry, but the book says the subject must be alone.
- We can't leave her here alone.
- If anything happens we'll be able to...
- Able to what?
- Intercede.
- Uh, good luck, I guess.
- Huh.
- Gus? - Yeah?
- After today...
Maybe we can just go back to being a couple of
regular broadband installation guys.
- Why? I mean...
We're on the cusp of something, here.
- I don't want on to be on the cusp of anything.
Not again.
- What happened to you?
- Nothing. Nothing happened to me.
Come on, she's all alone in there.
- Okay.
Right, uh...
Read this... oh dear. Right.
Um... it says the caster of the incantation, me,
should take not more than one sip of tepid...
ur... yeah, urine,
before the ritual begins.
- Don't look at me, I went back at the services.
- That is a shame.
Yeah, all right, well, I will...
Just drink my own.
Yep, okay. Good.
The decision has been made.
- Uh, do you want me to go and wait--
- Nah, do what you have to do, that's fine.
(urinating)
- There we go. Right.
- Uh, Gus.
No, no, one second.
- Gus, it says brine.
- Does it?
- Yeah, it says brine, not urine.
- Let's see that. Where does it say that?
- It says brine.
- Uh.
(laughs)
Yes, it does.
- Gus...
- GUS: Astrid, are you ready?
- No.
- Good, let's go.
Oh...
(exhales)
"Exorcisimus te omnis
"immundus spiritus omnis satanica potestas.
"Omnis incursio infernalis adversarii.
"Omnis legio, omnis congregatio
et secta diabolica."
(beeping)
(gasps)
- Gus...
Something's in there with her.
- Emily?
- Gus.
- Gus! - Emily?
- Where you going?
- Please.
Please.
- Okay. Okay.
Uh... okay.
Uh...
"Numquam draco sit
"mihi dux vade retro satana."
- No!
Uh... uh...
"Nunquam suade mihi vana sunt mala quae libis."
Ah!
VOICEMAIL: You have one new message.
JANEY: Gus Roberts, if you so much as crease
one page of that book,
I will stuff my biggest amethyst where the sun don't shine.
- Sorry about that.
So, did we win?
Yeah!
Woo! Yeah!
- What happened at the hospital?
Why did you stop the incantation?
- Thought I saw someone I know.
Knew.
- I thought that meant it didn't work.
- It worked.
- Hey, Astrid. You okay?
- Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I think... yeah.
The ghosts...
They've gone.
(beeping)
- Ghost free, baby. Ghost free.
- What the fuck is that?
Oh, no! What?
- Thanks, Dad.
- Hey, thank you.
For, um... helping me.
- It's all right.
We are Truth Seekers. That's what we do.
- Yeah.
- How do you feel?
- Oh, I feel...
Alive.
- Yeah?
- Yeah. I do.
- Good.
[music]