- (bell tolls) - (rain pattering)
(chanting in distance)
♪♪ (humming tune)
(exhales) Aren't you pretty?
- (footsteps approach) - (door opens)
- Why are you doing this to me, you pig?
- What have I done? - You murdered 12 men.
- Twelve was all I could manage.
- Mary Anne Culford,
you are guilty of 12 cases of murder.
You will be impaled on the Heretic's Fork
until you can bleed no more.
- On whose authority?
- God and all that is decent.
- Executing a poor lady without trial, huh?
That doesn't seem very decent to me.
Now, what would you know of decency?
Alone in your carriage?
Tossing off to lithographs of bums and fannies! (laughs)
- How could you possibly know? Silence, witch!
- Give me that back, you limp cock!
(speaks foreign language)
- May God have mercy on your soul.
- Let me see your eyes, Dr. Kettering.
Look at me!
Look at me.
(grunts)
Look at me.
(choking)
(continues speaking foreign language)
♪♪ (theme)
- Hey. You'll never guess
what dropped onto my doorstep this morning.
- A two-pack of GPS-capable WiFi-enabled body-mounted cameras?
- Yeah, yeah, exactly that.
- Are you sure the channel's ready for us to be doing a livestream?
- Well, Helen seems to think so.
We could test it this afternoon.
- Yeah, but if Dave watches the feed
and sees that we're not actually doing our job--
- Dave is a busy man. He doesn't have time
to sit around on the Internet watching weird videos.
- All right. - This is a weird video.
Bjorn! Ah!
Hello, you two. Um, hands up.
Who knows where Chichester is? Gus, obviously.
Elton, not so sure.
Doesn't matter, as long as one of you does.
Smyle is having a big push in the Chichester area.
Lots of installations on the job sheet.
- Thought I'd give you first dibs. - Have a look.
Boring, boring, boring.
- Why does Smyle need a hundred percent coverage?
- Now,, that is a very good question, Elton. Well done.
- So...
- Oh, yes, it's so that the customers of Smyle know
that wherever they are in the UK,
they have a robust and speedy service.
- Okay. So it's not so you can control everyone?
- Who gave you that idea?
- I find it ironic that you work for the very forces
perpetuating our enslavement.
- Smyle. - Smyle!
- What's the Chichester Institute?
- (chuckles) I thought you'd spot that one.
Uh, formerly the Chichester Institute for the Criminally Insane,
now being converted into criminally expensive apartments
for insanely rich people.
- So it's a loony bin for murderers?
- Well, we can't really discuss psychiatric facilities
in those terms anymore, Elton.
It's insensitive to homicidal maniacs.
- GUS: What do they need?
- It's a site survey for a full install.
- And that's our job right there?
- And that is why you are my number one.
Which reminds me. I received a lovely thank you.
from the owners of the "Portland Beacon."
They've even managed to get their website up and running.
Give us a Smyle, Gus. You got us to a hundred percent.
- Hey. - There it is.
Have a great day.
Laters potatoes.
Bjorn!
- Doctor, the weather forecast is good.
The low front which we were warned about is headed east--
- Shh, shh, shh. Stop talking.
Close your eyes. This is the sacred spot,
a mystical place where the convergence of ley lines
ensures the barrier between dimensions is weak.
Can you feel it?
Ancient magic resides all around us.
An electromagnetic shield
through which the modern world can never penetrate.
(phone chimes)
- Oh! I've got four bars!
- What? It's not possible.
- (keypad beeping) - What?
(phone rings)
- Portland Beacon, Wendy speaking.
- Wendy, good morning to you. This is Dr. Toynbee.
- Hello, Doctor.
Lovely speaking with you again.
It's very exciting here at the moment.
Lots of comings and goings,
as we prepare for the eclipse.
- Wendy, I've just received an email from you.
Now, I've been a patron of yours on and off for the last 10 years.
I've never ever received an email until today.
- It's wonderful, isn't it?
Finally we have a Wi-Fi signal.
- Very modern.
Tell me, what was the problem, and who was the genius
that brought you into the digital age?
- Well, we had a visit from the guys from Smyle.
- Smyle.
Not you.
- These cameras are amazing.
- So tiny. - Are they?
- There's an earpiece and a mic, so we can communicate.
And the cameras are geotagged,
so I can keep track of you all from mission control.
- How many people do you think will tune into the live feed?
- Maybe, like, ten?
Anything else you need from me?
- Um, could you find a schematic
- from the Chichester Institute? - Already did.
Found one from the 1960s.
- Very good.
Hey, Dad, we're off.
No pestering Helen today.
- RICHARD: Fuck you, four eyes!
- Good. Okay. Let's go.
- Good night, guys.
- Bye. - Bye.
- ASTRID: The Chichester Institute for the Criminally Insane
opened in 1810.
It housed such inmates as Peter the Camel Killer
and Aaron Kosminski,
thought lately as to be Jack the Ripper.
- Oh, great. So not spooky at all then.
- It closed after the unlawful execution
of serial killer Mary Culford in 1968.
- Oh, no thanks. Is that on the brochure?
- No, it's on Wikipedia.
They've got everything on here.
- You'd have to be mad to live in a place like this.
- Not anymore.
- Hello. - You're late.
- Only a couple of minutes. - Well, that's not my problem.
I'm here for 88 minutes. Then it's the weekend, and I fucking need one.
- All right. I will see you in 87.
- Just get it done. Okay?
The sooner I can show this place, the better.
It's been a curse on my family for years.
That and syphilis.
- Did he say syphilis?
- Come on, guys.
- Come on then.
- Oh, yeah!
Hello. Look at this!
- Ready for more tea and biscuits?
- Oh, thanks.
Um, would you like to join me?
- Oh, no, I don't want to be a nuisance.
- No, I'd really appreciate the company.
It's lonely helming a livestream.
- Oh, tell me about it. (chuckles)
Yeah. What is a livestream?
- Oh! Um, well, these guys film stuff,
and then I edit it live,
and then I broadcast it onto YouTube
so that Gus's followers can watch what's happening.
- So Gus is gonna be on the tele?
- Sort of.
- Well, I hope it doesn't clash with "The Chase."
- Yeah. I love "The Chase."
(thunder rumbles)
- So what was your favorite haunting, Gus?
- Wow. What a question.
Um, but I think pound-for-pound, for me,
um, it has to be the Hinky Boy.
- Hinky Boy? - Yeah.
It was Emily's obsession really.
She even went down there a few times.
Young man claims to have seen an apparition in his basement,
and the world's media descended upon it.
- What happened to him?
- No one knows.
Emily says the whole family just disappeared.
- Never seen again. - Couldn't pay me to live here.
- I would have to pay you to live here.
I've seen what you earn.
I mean, forgive the assumption,
but I'm guessing you will not want to do the room to room.
- No, thank you.
I'd much prefer to stay in the van.
- I'll do it. - Cool. I'll come with you.
- No, no, no, you made your bed.
And now you're gonna lie in it.
You'll be out in the "HMS Darkside," all right?
Checking the signal's straight.
Let's go to work. Okay, here we go.
- On? Right. - Yeah.
- GUS (on speaker): Helen? Are you receiving us?
- Hello, Truth Seekers.
- You receiving me? - Hey, yeah.
- Hey, Helen. - Loud and clear.
- Look at that wazzock.
- Dad, I can hear you, you know. What are you doing there?
- I'm just providing Helen with some refreshments.
Just trying to be useful. Is that all right?
- Yes. Yeah, fine.
Just don't get in the way, all right?
Helen, if he's bugging you,
just send him upstairs and unplug the stair lift.
And just ignore his whining. He will get tired eventually.
- All right. Okay. I have you all on screen.
It's like "Aliens" when the space marines
are about to enter the nest.
- Uh, and die screaming? - HELEN: Yeah.
Why don't you record a quick intro
which we can play out before we go live? All right?
- Out-to-in? - Lovely.
Let's do an out-to-in.
- Okay. - We're rolling.
- Call it. - Action.
(laughing)
- Welcome, Truth Seekers.
Gus Roberts here on the Truth Seekers channel.
We're about to go live into the former
Chichester Institute of the Criminally
Insane-sane-sane-sane...
- What an old ham.
- Yeah. I mean, he's trying.
- ...which is almost certainly haunted.
Psychonauts, I'll see you on the other side.
Stay on me-- Inside.
- Cut. - Boom.
- It's so good, it's so good. - Ah!
- I think it's better than Noel Edmonds.
- Helen? Astrid and I are now splitting up.
- Okay, all right. Good luck, guys. Look after yourselves.
- See you on the other side. - Truth Seekers.
- You get to the van.
- Get to the van. - Okay.
- Good luck. - Bye-bye.
- Okay.
Good luck, good luck.
All right.
- I'm switching to night vision mode.
(imitates whirring)
- GUS (computer voice): Night vision mode completed.
- Did you make that noise yourself?
- No.
- All right.
All right.
Just gonna... (hums)
Aah.
- Elton, are you online?
- Yeah, yeah, plugged in.
Plugged in. How's it going in there?
- Uh, it's pretty spooky.
- Sorry I'm not in there with you.
- Could you not flirt whilst we're broadcasting?
It's gross. Mm-mmm.
- What, does that one fancy that one?
- No, um, we're just, uh, riffing.
- I'm quite enjoying this show.
- GUS: Elton, are you receiving my signal transmissions?
- ELTON: Uh, yep. All good, all good.
- (device beeping) - Huh.
- Is that Gus's wife? - Hmm?
Oh, yeah. Emily.
- She looks lovely.
- She was.
- It must have been hard for Gus when she died.
- It was hard on both of us. - Dad...
- Can we-- - At least you were there for Gus.
Don't think my mom and dad were ever interested in me.
Elton got all the attention.
- All? - I'm not Gus's dad, love.
No, Emily was my daughter.
- ELTON: Did you call him "Dad," Gus?
- I've been calling him "Dad" for 20 years,
you know, it's not gonna stop 'cause Emily died.
- Soft sod.
- ASTRID: I'm so sorry, Gus.
What happened?
- Just-- It was a car accident, you know?
You know what? Let's--
Let's not do this. Let's do the test, all right?
Let's do the test.
Helen, can you run the intro clip we made earlier,
- and let's go live. - Okay.
In about 20 seconds,
the entire Internet is going to see Truth Seekers
in all their glory.
- (exhales) - (beeps)
(laughing)
- Welcome, Truth Seekers.
Gus Roberts here on the Truth Seekers Channel.
(gulls squawking)
(device beeps)
- Gus Roberts?
Let's see what you've been up to.
- Insane...
A building with a horrendous and checkered past,
which is almost certainly haunted.
Psychonauts, I'll see you on the other side.
- Imbecile.
Did you, now?
- Once Private Atkins' spirit had been transported
into this ellexatron machine,
he took over the primary functions of the ellexatron,
and he made sure no signal got out.
- There's 47 active viewers. This is great.
@ghostbusters 420 says, "Eek."
And there's a pair of emoji eyes
from JoJo74.
- I wondered whether or not she would tune in.
RICHARD: Have you got a new girlfriend?
- (chuckles) You're kidding me.
- Who'd have me? - Good point.
(hinges creak)
- ASTRID: What the hell?
- HELEN: Astrid, take it easy.
This building's older than Richard.
- Helen, are you seeing this?
- Lower your head a bit.
- ASTRID: What is all this stuff?
- HELEN: Hope you're up to date on your jabs.
- ASTRID: What's this for?
You getting this?
- ELTON: Astrid, what is it? What am I missing?
- ASTRID: Kettering.
- ELTON: That's the name on the dossier.
- Put your camera at the book.
MAN (echoing): May God have mercy on your soul.
- Guys. you need to get up here.
I think I found something.
- Uh, hello. I need to get to Astrid.
Now, tell me, do I go straight on, or should I go back?
- What's quickest? - There is no straight-on.
- No, there is a straight-on. I can see it.
- What? It's not on the schematic?
- Okay, I'm just gonna head straight
and see what happens, all right?
- Astrid's the other way, Gus.
- You're gonna get lost, you silly bugger.
- I'm fine, Dad. I'll be f--
(tone signal blares)
- Gus! Gus!
Astrid, Elton, can you see Gus?
We can't see his feed.
- Gus, you there?
- ASTRID: Elton? - Uh, negative.
- HELEN: Gus! Gus! - GUS: Helen?
You getting this? Over.
(static)
- Now he's gone.
(overlapping voices)
- Jesus Christ.
(thunder rumbles)
- Hey, I can see the property development guy.
- Oh, okay. Go outside and ask him if there's been any extensions
or additional building works since the 1960s.
- Oh, do I have to? He's horrible.
- Yes, you do. Go on.
- GUS: Hey, guys, you getting this?
Anyone topside reading Papa Bear, come back.
Gee whizz.
- (laughter in distance) - Huh?
Who's there?
- MARY (distorted voice): Bums and fannies! (laughs)
- Who are you?
Hello?
- Twelve was all I could manage.
- GUS: Show yourself. - MARY: Are you the door?
(laughs)
- GUS: No, the door's-- Door's there.
- MARY: Something woke me.
Someone in this building can release me.
Let me take my revenge.
Take me with you.
- Hey, I'm flattered, but...
you should know I'm married.
- Oh, you were married.
- What'd you say? - Poor Emily.
She does miss you so.
- How can she possibly know that? - (laughs)
- Oh, she's got a message for you, Gus. - A message?
She says... they lied.
- Who lied? - Everybody lies to you.
- HELEN: Gus? - MARY: The old man
wishes it had been you and not her.
- The girl is not what she seems. - Gus!
- And the boy... Ooh, the boy has lied to you
from the moment you met him.
- What boy? What boy?
(moaning on device)
- What? I'm having a wank.
- Oh.
Sorry.
Question.
Has there been any additional building work
- done here since the 1960s? - No. Why?
- Well, Gus seems to have discovered
a new part of the building.
- How big? - What do you mean?
- I mean, is it big enough for another apartment?
- I don't know.
- (Mary laughs) - Show yourself demon.
- MARY: Help me get my revenge,
and I'll tell you everything.
Maybe even let poor dead Emily speak again.
- Jesus Christ! No! - (laughter)
- What was his last position?
- North corner, basement.
- ASTRID: Got it.
- (man shouts) - ASTRID: Sorry. Hello.
- What's this? Why's it got my name on it?
- Uh, found it upstairs?
- Where is Gus, Astrid? - Follow me.
- MARY: They murdered me. - Stay back, Tiny Tim!
- Butchered me. Without trial.
But I knew they were coming, so I cast a spell.
It just didn't go according to plan.
- Please.
- Emily says she never stopped loving you.
She says help Mary.
She deserves her revenge so she can rest.
If you love me, you'd do it, Gus.
- That's where Gus went straight on.
- Which way? Watch out.
- HELEN: Astrid?
Oh, poor Mary Culford!
- Emily would never help a psychopath like you!
- Gus! - Elton!
Get out! Get out!
The doll is possessed.
- What doll?
- Huh?
Cut my wank short for this?
Just a child's toy, for Christ's sake.
- Think we should go check on Gus, Mr. Kettering.
- ELTON: Gus!
(modulated voice, indistinct chanting)
- They've all gone. Left me on my own.
Same as always.
- Well, you're not on your own.
You've got me.
Let's go watch "The Chase."
(rain pattering)
- Don't worry.
You okay to drive?
- Yeah. Yeah.
Of course, I am.
Right. Let's go.
(engine starts)
(bell tolls in distance)
(tolling continues)
- (modulated voice) Limp cock.
(straining)
(squelching)
(spoon clinking)
- You ever had a paranormal experience?
- What? No.
Have you?
- Elton. - Hmm?
- And where are you from? - Leicestershire.
- What happened to you?
- Nothing. Nothing happened to me.
- Holy shit.
♪♪