[vibrant orchestral music]
♪ Foodtopia ♪
[crowd cheering]
Get your bets in right here!
-Hey, hey, give me one tooth on Beans. -Give me two teeth on Tuna!
[engines revving]
Come on! Come on, Beans!
[instrumental "Barracuda" plays]
[revs engine]
[tires screeching]
♪ You're in a toy car in a toy store ♪
♪ Today your driving skills Are on display ♪
♪ You are a can racing a can ♪
♪ A bet ♪
♪ Driving remote control machines ♪
♪ And now you're heading Toward the toy train ♪
♪ And the motor That you're driving's insane ♪
♪ So and now, now, now, now It looks at your name ♪
♪ Ooh, Can of Tuna ♪
Gah! Son of a bitch!
[cheering and applause]
Hey, now! Pay up, ya legume-filled laggard!
[cheering and applause]
[slow clapping]
Hi, there. Sorry to break up the fun.
Just want to say this is a lovely home you have here,
and, well... I'd like to have it.
[laughter]
Ahh, ye take us for dullards?!
I wasn’t canned yesterday.
We have no intention of handing this newly discovered land fortress over.
Unless ye plan to plunder us?
No, no, there'll be no plundering.
Congratulations on the single tooth you won in your race.
-I hope you're happy with it. -I am.
Every food loves teeth.
Their symbolism be lost on no one.
Let me let you in on a little secret: One tooth isn't cool.
You know what's cool?
[snaps fingers]
One hundred and seven teeth.
Go ahead and count 'em. Lots of white ones in there,
yellow ones, too.
There's some babies'. Oh!
See the molar caught your eye. Nice, isn't it?
That’s a bicuspid.
There’s some snaggles in there.
That’s a matched set. Put them together, there’s a gap.
Look at all that grade A mouth bone.
Aye, by the north wind, that’s a lotta loot.
You got a deal, me orange-hearty!
-[grunts] Ha-ha! -Push! Push!
So long.
Ya fuckin' morons.
[heroic music]
I own all this!
Even you.
[Sammy] Lavash, my love.
When I'm with you, I-I feel like I-I have no hole.
'Cause it's filled with your love,
your admiration,
and, yep, occasionally, your speckled doughy...
-[flies buzzing] -[screaming]
[gasping]
Hey, what... what were you just screaming about?
What, was I screaming?
Just a night terror. I'd rather not unpack it at the moment.
-It was a fun night. -Yeah, yeah. Now it's over.
Yeah. No more excitement.
No more love will be given.
No more attention will be paid.
I guess this is, this is life now. Just sitting here...
replaying the glory days,
knowing there's not going to be a quick and easy...
[Sammy] Answer to all my problems!
[up-tempo music]
-Cool. -[crowd cheering]
I mean, jeez, look at that, they love him.
This attention box. It's exactly what I need.
Oh! Yeah! Mm. Take that motherfucker.
Ooh. Ooh. Hey!
-Oh. Aah! -Wow. Hey.
You got quite an audience there.
Can I have a turn? Maybe just a tight five.
Thanks a lot, Bread Boy, you made me miss a step.
No, I'm-I'm... Look, I'm sorry.
Just, you know, I'm looking for an outlet to share my gift with the world,
and this just seems like a perfect format.
Get your own high-tech broadcasting system.
This one's taken.
You don't understand. I need this.
No, you don't understand.
This is my place, and I don't give a shit what you need.
I care about one thing and one thing only,
-and that's this. -No!
[Sammy grunts]
[up-tempo music continues]
[breathes heavily]
Rage!
[dramatic music]
-[punches landing] -[grunting]
-[Sammy] Fucked with the wrong bagel. -[punches landing]
[cereal grunting] Wait!
[gasps]
Hey, how about a round of applause for my opening act,
the injured cereal box.
I'm back. Okay, let's get this show on the road.
Um... So my ex saw me having sex with another food the other day,
and, uh, I guess you'd have to say I really was in a pickle.
[laughter]
Do you think this humey will eat one of his own?
He said he's hungry, didn't he?
It's not like we're gonna feed him one of our own.
So either he starves or...
bon appé-feet! [giggles]
Hey! Watch it. What the...?
-Well, shit, man. -You all right?
-No! Have you seen Pops? -What Pops?
That shifty old-timey popsicle?
I had a tooth in my pocket, and he run up with a pick and stole it.
[gasps] He tooth pick-pocketed you?
But-but-but foods wouldn't steal from other foods.
Yeah? Well, tell that to the motherfucker what yoinked my shit!
It's happening everywhere.
[Lemon] Hey! Somebody stop her!
Okay, hold on, all right?
We don't know the full story there.
I had a tooth and she stole it!
Okay. Now we do.
This is a problem.
Shit, here comes another problem.
Oh no, does he know what we did? Is he coming to confront us?
-I don't know. Just act natural. -Okay...
-Ow! What are you doing? -I can't remember how to act naturally.
You start by pinching me?
-Hey there, Barr. -[whispers] That's not natural.
Hey, guys. What you up to? Can I... Can I hang out with you all day? Um...
Uh... all day?
Yeah, well, from, like, from now til bedtime. I don't... I mean... What are
-you guys carrying this foot around for? -Oh, uh, nothing.
I mean, we just... We just wanted this, uh, this rolly shoe.
Yeah, the foot's not important. We just couldn't get it out.
-I didn't even. I didn't see it there. -Yeah.
-Did you notice there was a foot in here? -No, I just saw that just now.
-Weird. -Just leave it in there.
I'll help you get it out of there. I know a thing or two about this. Here we go.
-[Brenda] Oh! -No, you don't have to.
Once saved food society, now I'm just some dumb schmuck
pulling feet out of rolly shoes, right? But that's what I've been reduced to.
The only thing that makes it better is knowing we'll be hanging out till bedtime.
[awkward laugh] What the hell? What does that even mean?!
-We can't hang out with him until bedtime. -No, it's an absurd request.
It's so specific. We gotta get him off our backs.
Frank, we can't just get rid of him. Look how sad and lost he is.
-He has nothing. Not a thing. -[heavy sigh]
[gasps]
Hey, maybe you can actually help us with a little something more pressing
-and a lot more dangerous. -What is it?
Foods are stealing from each other. We need a system to stop it.
You're the only food that is heroic enough to run it.
Damn, that stiffened me right up.
Yeah, looks like you gained about an inch there.
Ooh.
[dramatic music]
[martial arts grunting]
Hey, you stealing? Over my dead meat, baby.
Hey, Frank, remind me to introduce you to someone later.
-Who? -A problem we can't handle.
Oh, wait, it doesn't exist.
[pulley clanking]
I know your frail bodies require sustenance.
So, here, we got you something to eat.
Oh, my God! I don't know how to thank you.
I understand what a huge moral conundrum this must have been for you, so... [gasps]
Not really. We kind of kicked the moral conundrum over to you.
Oh, and it's a lady's foot!
I don't know why that makes it worse, but it does.
Wait, but if I don't eat it, isn't that somehow more sexist?
What am I talking myself into? I can't eat a foot.
[scoffs] Can't eat a foot. What an asshole.
Yeah, well, I bet you could eat me though, right, huh?
Could you bring yourself to do that?
I, uh, don't know.
Oh, you know. I bet just by looking at me, you can remember what I taste like.
-Brenda, take it easy. -No! I bet this guy wants to eat me.
Yeah? What? Hey, you want to spread me open?
Yeah. Squirt some mustard on me.
Pop a radish on my head.
Dunk me in a soda, smear me on a watermelon slice, and then eat me?
-Is that it? -I would never do that.
-That flavor profile is insane! -[gasps] Flavor profile.
Did you hear that, Frank? He's flavor profiling me.
Okay, look, I'm sorry.
A foot is just a lot to wrap my head around.
Maybe if you got me some fingers I could fry them in oil or...
Or... Oh, my God. Of course. Of course, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Oil is a person to you.
Oh, I didn't mean that. I didn't mean that.
Frank, let's bounce.
[sputters] Don't leave me here alone.
Thought you wanted me to help you create your food society.
We're viewing you more as a rainy day human, as in saving you for a rainy day.
Or a bird day, or any day we don't understand.
But we don't need you right now.
The last thing we want is our society resembling your fucked up human society.
We're doing things the food way.
Okay, so I'm creating a task force to patrol the streets
and crack down on tooth theft.
To all the volunteers, when I call you by name,
please step forward and get your badge and cocktail sword,
which will give you a sense of irrational power that I know
will not be a problem going forward.
Chris Bologna.
Kishka Hargitay.
Hi, Kishka.
Iced Tea.
And all the rest. Let's hit the streets!
[police siren wailing]
[tune of "Bad Boys" (theme from Cops)]
♪ Bad foods, bad foods comin' after you ♪
♪ Comin' after you When you steal a tooth ♪
♪ Bad foods, bad foods comin' after you ♪
♪ Comin' after you When you steal a tooth ♪
♪ Bad foods, bad foods, comin' after you ♪
♪ Comin' after you When you steal a tooth ♪
The juice is loose!
♪ Bad foods, bad foods comin' after you ♪
♪ Comin' after you When you steal a tooth ♪
♪ Bologna man gettin' in your face ♪
♪ The Kishka spreading your legs ♪
♪ Iced Tea gotcha runnin' for days ♪
♪ And the Barry man He don't play, don't play ♪
All right, Cream, we know you're friends with Pops. Where's he at?
Yeah, all right. What do you want from me?
I know lots of pops: soda pops, ring pops, blow pops.
-I even know a couple fucking lolli... -Save it!
You know which Pops we're talking about.
"Icle," man. Pops-icle
Ow! Hey, watch the tub, man.
All right, look, he's over there.
Stay cool, thanks for the tooth.
Pops! Freeze!
That's what I'm trying to do!
[suspenseful music]
Officers.
Open the fuckin' door!
[door creaks]
Sorry, Pops. Party's over.
Hey, where the hell you takin' me?
Oh, wouldn't you like to know?
What are we supposed to do with Pops and the other foods we caught stealing?
I got this one.
Food Court is now in session.
All y'all rise right now for the Honorable Judge Rutabaga Ginsburg.
[coughs]
We did it again.
You're welcome, Foodtopia.
Okay, our first case is
Red Lentils versus Pops.
-So, what's the problem? -Pops' the one that stole my tooth.
The ol' chopper-stealing bitch.
Pops, is that accurate?
-Sure is, and I'd do it again. -No remorse.
Don't worry, Frank. They caught the bastard. The system's working.
But you don't understand.
It-it's not that cut and dry.
Pops only did what he had to do.
I was melting to death.
Not just me. My young'uns: Cream, Fudge...
the whole Icle family on the brink of liquification.
We needed a freezer and fast.
But freezers ain't coming cheap in ol' Foodtopia.
That's why I had to steal Red Lentils' tooth.
This goddamn place made me change who I was.
And the worst part is,
by the time I came back with my ill-gotten tooth,
every Icle in my family had melted anyway.
[sobbing]
I can still picture little Fudgey's face sliding down the side of his body,
splattin' all over the floor and my shoes.
-Look. -Shoes off the witness tray.
Ugh. Sad to see, but this is a food court of law,
and much like the airtight sealing on a jar of pickles,
laws must never be broken.
I hereby order Pops to return the teeth to Red Lentils.
Bay Leaf!
[Pops screams]
[crowd gasps]
[gasps]
[gasping]
-[gavel squeaks] -If everyone has now finished gasping,
the court will now hear the case of Spritzer versus Romaine,
who is accused of stealing three baby teeth.
Uh, are you noticing a disturbing trend in all the foods
that are on trial for stealing?
[air horn blows]
Still plenty of fridge space to rent in my spacious, six-shelf walk-in!
Comes fully equipped with central cooling, no natural light and butter shelf doorman.
Don't have enough teeth for a fridge?
We also sell cold water squares for half the price.
Or be the envy of all your food friends when you hit the open road
in your sleek new wind up or RC. Batteries not included.
The fuck? Are foods using teeth to barter for goods?
[coughing]
And services.
[dramatic music]
-Move it! -Hey, stop hogging the blow zone.
What the hell is this?
We got food slums now?
And we're punishing foods for stealing teeth.
But it's like they're only doing that because they need them to live.
[baby cries]
Oh, fuck. This is bad.
I don't know what to do. I'm spinnin' out.
Is this something we should be talking to the humey about?
No, no, no, no. Frank. Frank...
This isn't water from the sky or flying monsters. We don't need the humey
and we don't want to be infected by his evil basic-bitch ideas.
This is a food problem, and we need to come up with a food solution.
A "food-lution." See? Ha! I just came up with a "food-lution"
for the problem that "food" and "solution" were too many goddamn words.
-See? I just did it there. -You're right. It's simple.
Some foods have a lot of teeth, some foods have none.
So, we ask the foods, uh, who have a lot to just give some to the foods that don't.
Yeah, this is not remotely controversial.
And every food is gonna be onboard with this.
Great. How do we get the word out?
-[applause and cheering] -Okay, how about this one?
What do you call a noodle that's trying to be something it's not?
An im-pasta!
That's the same joke structure as the last one.
You're the imposter.
Hack!
[crowd booing]
Hey, what are you... Don't, don't leave in the middle.
No, come on, Sammy, you're losin' 'em.
You're losing them. Think, think, think. How do I stay relevant?
Sammy, we need you to deliver a public service announcement
that absolutely everyone has to hear.
Ooh. Yeah.
-[cheering and applause] -[jazzy music]
[cheering and applause continues]
Good evening.
I, of course, am Sammy Bagel.
You know my first guests from starting the revolution
and most recently creating our justice system.
Frank and Brenda.
-[jazzy music] -[applause]
Terrific. Yeah. No. Frank, Brenda, love you kids.
Now, I hear that you've got a big announcement.
Yes, we do.
Basically, we have devised a system, a pretty clever little system,
which would take a portion of everyone's teeth
to ensure the foods who don't have any are taken care of.
[Brenda] Yeah. Okay...
To demonstrate what we're talking about, um, picture a pie.
Or better yet, let's bring her up on stage. Pie.
-[applause] -[jazzy music]
Mm, ah, yes. [giggles]
I would just like to say hi to my friend, Rhubarb. Hi, Barb.
Okay, let's say Pie here represents all the teeth a food had.
-I'm Teeth. -You sure are, Pie. Thanks for helping.
So, as I was saying, if you're a food that doesn't have a lot,
we'd only take, like, this big a slice of your teeth.
-That's not a lot. -Exactly.
[softly] Seriously, stop that. I don't...
You shouldn't be commenting. You're just a prop.
And if you have way more teeth than you need,
you'll pay, like, this big a slice.
Which is significant.
But you will notice there's still quite a sizable slice of Pie's body left.
[Julius] Boo!
-Oh, whoa, whoa, what? -[Julius] Boo!
Wait. No, stop it. Do I hear a boo?
-Is someone booing? Who's the booer? -[Julius] Boo, boo, boo. Boo!
Okay, you, sir.
You seem to have a problem with the share-sies plan?
Yeah. I'm Julius, and I got a problem.
They don't believe in food.
What? We started the revolution!
We believe in food.
I was there for that!
-She's right! -Well, it doesn't sound like it.
You want to give everyone handouts
'cause you think we're too weak to figure it out for ourselves.
-Yeah. -Come on. What the fuck?
-Yeah, what the fuck? -No, that's not what we're saying.
Hey, stand up, sir. Talk into the mic.
This is your chance to speak directly to Frank and Brenda.
After the war, you said foods were free to do whatever we want,
and now you're telling us what to do.
So, which is it?
-Uh, both? -No way!
-[audience groaning] -You lie!
Hey, can I ask you guys a question? Yeah.
Are you better off now than you were four days ago?
-I'm not. -I'm doing much worse.
Then why are we even listening to them in the first place?
-Yeah. -Who put them in charge?
I didn't. Did you?
-Not me. -No!
-No. -Yeah, what the fuck?
You think you should be in charge?
No, I think we should be in charge of who's in charge.
-Yeah! -He's fuckin' right.
-If my fellow foods were to choose me... -[cheering]
...I would sure as shit do a better job than you.
-[crowd cheers] -Yeah.
[crowd chants] Julius! Julius! Julius!
Someone call the Watermelon, 'cause this is getting juicy.
[applause]
So, what do you say?
Do you think, uh, my old friends Frank and Brenda should be in charge?
-Fuck no! -[loud booing]
Or... do think my audience member Julius should be in charge?
[loud cheering and applause]
Well, tune in next time
where the winner will be chosen exclusively on my show,
Arguments, hosted by your favorite bagel, Sammy.
[cheering and applause]
Hey, great job, you two.
Great show.
What do you mean, great show? You completely fucked us.
Wait, what? I don't understand. Everyone in town was watching you.
I'm-I'm totally perplexed how you could view that
as anything other than tremendous.
[cheering]
Look at that. They love me.
Excuse me while I go canoodle with some canned noodles.
Ciao for now.
What just happened? That was a fucking disaster.
Any food-lutions for how we solve this problem?
Well, not at the moment, but could be worse. Right?
How?
Think you can run from Barry?
[instrumental "Barracuda" plays]
♪ You're chasing a grape Who wants to escape ♪
♪ From you ♪
♪ But bustin' foods is what you do ♪
♪ Uh-huh ♪
♪ Evading the law through a tall straw ♪
♪ No way ♪
♪ Barry loses food today ♪
♪ And now you're vaulting With a chopstick ♪
♪ You're so determined To catch up with this prick ♪
♪ He thinks you're gone, gone, gone, gone But here's your last trick ♪
♪ Oh, Barry caught ya ♪
Stop... stop struggling. I do not want to squish you.
What the fuck?
-[dramatic music] -[heartbeat pounding]
[music intensifies, then fades]
["Visions of Gideon" by Sufjan Stevens]
[groaning] Well...
I guess that seals it.
I'm a cannibal now.
[music continues]