[vibrant orchestral music]
♪ Foodtopia ♪
We interrupt what would have been
the beginning of my six-part series on stickers to bring you this story.
Last night, there was a high-speed hot potato pursuit,
where one spud's recklessness caused over 80,000 teeth worth of damage
to downtown Foodtopia.
It also left three fruits bruised, four cupcakes severely smushed,
one pineapple frond-less.
We were able to obtain this footage from the chase.
[Viener Hotzdog] Brenda, Brenda you wondrous bun.
Do you not know that your pursuit is futile?
-Or do you refuse to surrender hope? -[siren blaring]
Alas… [speaking German]
We caught up with the victim of the recent tooth theft, Julius,
seen here, leaving his luxurious but tasteful penthouse.
-Julius! Julius! Over here, over here.
All right. I have time for one question. You, the soda bottle.
What do you say to the potato who stole your teeth, and who's your town crush?
When I find that potato, I'm going to put it back in the fucking ground.
And for town crush, let's go with Wendy the Pickle.
[camera shutters click]
Julius! Julius, Julius, wait! What about Donna?
The Lemon!
The task force response has been swift.
They've been rounding up russets all morning
and one officer even struck gold.
Sorry. Struck a Yukon gold.
Point is, it's a bad time to be a potato.
[siren chirps]
[door opens]
-[phone ringing] -Let go of me.
[groans]
Look. Look, I want to bring in the potato as much as you do,
but let's not lose sight of the fact that there a humey on the loose.
I need bodies to help me scan the dark zone.
Chris? Kishka?
Et tu, Iced Tea?
Hey, sorry Bare,
Julius is dangling a hefty reward to whoever brings in the potato.
And I could really use those teeth for my girl, Hot Cocoa.
She got expensive taste.
[ominous music]
Step forward. Say the line. One potato.
"Time to peel out, motherfucker."
[Kishka] Two potato.
"Time to peel out, motherfucker."
Three potato.
"Time to peel out, motherfucker."
[Kishka] Four.
Time to peel out, you cocksucker motherfucker! [yells]
[groans] None of these potatoes are right.
The one who stole the teeth wasn't as small as a fingerling,
but wasn't as big as a fully grown russet, neither.
It's almost like it was right in between those two sizes.
Yeah, it was more medium height.
Almost like, uh, mm, I don't know,
like a hot dog-sized potato.
[whispering] What the fuck?
Yeah.
I fucking knew it, baby.
[Frank] Can you believe Brenda?
It's like, do you want to win this thing or not?
I got us teeth.
There's foods working for us now.
I have Butter, Jam, and Mayo spreading the word.
That's a lot of condiments. Really exciting list.
"Abolish teeth." She is living in a fantasy world.
Hey, Brenda, I got an idea.
Why don't you join us in the real world
where an evil orange is ruining our food society?
She's always doing this, even back in Shopwell's.
She just had this optimistic faith.
I get it. Breakups are hard. I got dumped once, too.
I mean, I get dumped once all the time, actually.
Once at the mall, once at the movies. Once at my mom's funeral.
What? Whoa. We just had a tiny fight. She didn't dump…
Yeah, sure. That's what I'm always telling myself too.
And then, you find your girlfriend in a mall
doing one of those cool VR experiences with another guy.
And then you find yourself getting pushed into a mall fountain by that guy.
Then you try to whip coins at the guy, but you just nail a bunch of other people.
It's just a bummer.
We used to be on the same page about everything.
[breathes deeply] I keep thinking about what she said.
I don't believe in myself, that's why I'm using you as a crutch.
What's wrong with crutches? They take the pressure off.
Plus, without crutches, my leg would've never healed
after the mall fountain broke it in three places.
Hey, look me in the eye,
Frank…
Hey, don't doubt yourself.
I didn't wanna say it before 'cause I'm kinda scared of her,
but Brenda's off the rails.
You should be doing most of the talking at the debate.
Right. Yeah, the debate. Better go find her so we can prepare.
Or, or… Hear me out.
You can stay and I can help you prep.
Debates are like arguments, and I've gotten into tons.
Lost pretty much all of them, and that means I know what not to do.
Also means that I've looked at a lot of winners,
and I think I'm looking at one right now.
-Okay, I'm listening. -First thing: your posture.
It's so wobbly.
-Is that a bad thing? -No, no, it's great.
Makes you relatable. Not stiff or uptight. A real every-food.
But I can be even wobblier if you want. I can flip-flop around like this.
Well, now you sound like a president.
[Brenda] Look, guys, look. Teeth have caused our society to decay.
Fridge allocation should be based on who needs it the most,
not who can afford it.
[applause and cheering]
[groans] I can't even clap.
Oh, jeez. Look at Milk. Look at him. Oh, he's hurtling for a curdling.
But I will make you whole again.
I will make you whole, Milk.
[cheering and applause]
[Viener Hotzdog] I eavesdropped on the bun’s polemic,
pondering if one shapely mass of risen yeast
can really tear down a system
without being buried and made moldy in its ruinous wake.
With each tiny, vestigial wrist she shook,
Brenda wondered, did she really have the strength
-to carry the weak to… -Uh, hey Veiner?
Uh, can you stop following me around constantly
and monologuing my thoughts to me? Could you do that?
-Thanks. -They're our thoughts now, Brenda.
I fear the lines between subject and documentarian are becoming blurred
-as we embark upon this journey to… -Hello, Brenda.
I'm Tina Turnip, the head of your ground roots operation.
I’m leading the five troop of Girl Scout Cookies
that are ready to go door-to-door for…
♪ Youuuu ♪
Oh, and as far as the payment of teeth that were promised.
-[gasps] -Mm-hmm.
Should we settle with you or with Frank?
Not with me.
Okay.
[Jar of Jam] Vote for Frank and Brenda! Everybody, vote for Frank and Brenda now.
[laughing] Vote for Frank and Brenda now.
[laughs] Share-sies! Vote for Frank and Brenda!
[Brenda sighs]
Brenda, we need to talk. Where's Frank?
Huh, Frank? Oh, he's right behind you.
-Whoa! -[groans] Goddamn it, Veiner.
[clears throat]
My opponent believes in the survival of the freshest.
But I believe we can all survive by making the world a fresher place.
That's fucking beautiful, Frank.
And that isn't just the bath salts talking either,
though they do make the world a more vibrant and colorful place.
You know, this week has arguably been the weirdest week of my life.
Arguably?
But it's turned into one of the most fulfilling ones, too.
I never really got to contribute anything to humanity,
mostly because nobody wanted my contribution.
So, I appreciate you letting me help.
Well, it's nice to feel supported and have someone actually believe in me.
Oh, I fully believe in you. Everything that you're building.
And maybe one day I could…
-What? -You know, be a part of it.
Oh, um… I mean…
I know I'm not technically a food, but maybe once you're leader,
you could convince all the other foods to accept me.
-Like you have? -Yeah.
I mean, it feels like an uphill battle, if I'm being honest with you.
But, you know, as long as you keep gobbling up
your own kind instead of us, I'd say you have a chance, humey.
I feel weird calling you "humey" still. Do you have a name? Do humans have names?
-It's Jack. -Huh. I know a Jack. He's a fruit.
-What's he look like? -I think he's round. Maybe he's spikey?
Is that the one that's purple on the inside?
Honestly, I can't remember. But you know what? It doesn't matter.
Because from now on, every time I think of Jack, I'll think of you.
So, we should get back to it.
Yeah. Yeah, we should get back to it.
[electrical buzzing]
Comfortable?
-No. -Good.
-Barry, is this really necessary? -I'll be asking the questions.
Starting with this.
You recognize the individual being represented in this picture?
It's your dog, Frank, in potato-head, which is, of course, despicable.
And somehow that's not even close to the worst thing he's done.
But it's not just him, is it Brenda?
Nah, nah… [grunts]
Might as well make yourself comfortable. We're gonna be here a while.
Here's how it's gonna go.
First, I'm gonna break you down, make you feel like you're… nothing.
Then I'm going to win your trust back piece-by-piece.
-Comfort you, until you finally confess… -We took the humey. I'm sorry!
We never should have lied to you. You're our friend.
-We just didn't think you'd understand. -I don't!
I've never understood anything less.
See? We thought we needed his help, but you were right.
We're food and we can handle food problems on our own.
By lying and committing high-speed tooth heists?
That was Frank, to boost our chances of winning,
which is the whole other problem.
Our society is fucked. Everything's about teeth.
I don't disagree with that.
My entire task force is on the tooth take.
That's why I want to start over, both as a bun and a society.
We lost our way and no one's more lost than our little Frank.
He's in deep, Barry.
He's fallen under the humey's spell.
-Aw, shit. -[Brenda whispers] What? What?
Let's go break it.
And with my No Chili Left Behind policy,
every single bean will have a place to lay their head at night.
I think someone just nabbed the highly coveted legume vote.
There's just one last topic we haven't touched upon yet.
How do you feel about humans?
What?
They might ask, right?
I mean, you know, I… absolutely hate them.
What do you hate about them?
And remember, be specific.
I hate their big ears that listen to my problems.
I hate their blue eyes, that see things in myself.
I can't…
[Jack] Mm-hmm. What else?
I hate how they make me feel smart and capable.
-Go on. -I hate their mouths.
They're big, wet, hot, circular mouths.
[softly] Jack, what are we doing?
♪ I need you now ♪
♪ More than words can say I need you now ♪
♪ I've got to find a way ♪
♪ I need you now ♪
♪ Before I lose my mind ♪
♪ I need you now ♪
[moaning]
♪ Oh-o-oh oh ♪
[Jack moans]
[rock music continues]
[Frank] Okay, I'm ready.
Let's go. Back it in. Yep.
Little to the left. Little to the right. That’s good. Line it up! Line it up!
[Frank groans, grunting]
[groaning]
So, how's this supposed to work?
Uh, I think we just have to list
all the ways in which his addiction to the humey has hurt us.
And then he needs to stop completely or risk losing us forever.
It's gonna be hard. I'm still really pissed at him.
Yeah, me too. But look we need to rise above that
and let him know we're here for him. No matter… What the fuck?!
-Brenda! Barry! -[moaning continues]
No! Don’t look! This is… It’s not what you think!
-Oh, God, what is that? -What the fuck?!
Even if you did look, it's not what you thought!
So, you're not fucking that humey?
And he didn't just shoot a bunch of goo all over you?
No! No, that's Mayo, I swear. Say hi, Mayo.
[imitating voice] Hi, guys, it’s me, Scott Mayo!
This is what I look like outside of the jar!
Gross, gross! Oh, my God, stop that!
That’s not Scott Mayo, you humey-fucker!
-[normal] Shit, Jack, get us out of here. -You got it, baby.
[Jack shouts, grunts]
[suspenseful music]
He wasn’t even in his cockpit when they ran off. Who was piloting who there?
[Brenda sighs]
[tender music]
[panting]
Oh, God! [gasps]
Oh, fuck! I cannot believe that just happened!
Dude, me too. That was crazy.
-Like, I made love to a hot dog. -Not that!
Brendan and Barry just caught me fucking you, dude.
This is so fucked. I'm running for fucking leader.
I do not need this shit. I do not need this.
Frank, Frank, it's fine. Slow down.
Okay, look me in the eye.
Frank… what are we doin'?
-[grunts] -Stop it, dude! No!
I need to focus! The debate, it's like, right now.
I'll tell you what's not up for debate: How fucking hot you are.
Will you fucking cut it out? How am I supposed to take the stage with Brenda?
-She fucking hates me so much. -It's not ideal,
but a lot of presidents have had sex scandals.
-In some cases, makes them more popular. -Did any of them get caught
fucking a different species that is also their sworn enemy species?
No. I guess that would be like a president getting caught
fucking a bear, a shark, or something. No. But don't worry. You got this.
-Stay wobbly! -Stay wobbly? Shut the fuck up, man.
This is a fuckin' disaster.
Sammy sells sesame seeds by the sesame seed store.
Sammy sells… [screams]
-I just got the latest Scallop poll. -Okay, okay. What did she say?
That Frank and Brenda have pulled ahead. I stand to lose everything.
Oh, well, that's a shame.
Which means you stand to lose everything.
What? Jesus! But I, ya know, I just got accustomed,
you know, to having everything!
Then you know what you have to do. Pull out all the stops!
Anything you can do as host to make me look good and them look bad.
I've come too fucking far to lose everything now.
I need you to bury them.
[sighs]
Welcome and good evening.
Tonight, we crown Foodtopia's next top leader.
[cheering and applause]
The rules for tonight are simple.
I'm going to ask hard, penetrating questions to each of the candidates.
And all you have to do is stand in front of the food that you want to vote for.
Got it? Okay, great!
Now, please welcome your first candidate, the orange, Julius.
-[cheering and applause] -[upbeat rap music]
[Frank] Brenda, hey.
Okay, first let me just say about what you may be thinking…
Don't fucking talk to me, you humey goo-gobbling traitor.
We need to talk considering we’re about to take the stage together.
[rap music continues]
And his opponents, Frank and Brenda.
-[Brenda gasps] -[scattered cheering and applause]
[silence]
What the hell? Why didn't we get a cool intro?
Hey, I'll ask the questions around here, and the first one is a doozy.
Frank and Brenda, a lot of foods have been referring to you,
and I quote, as "liars, schemers, cheaters."
Unlike Julius, who has been described as fair, sweet, Rubenesque…
I don't know what bullshit this is, but I have an announcement.
I am no longer running for leader…
[crowd gasps]
-…with Frank. -[more gasping]
I'm running on my own. Someone bring me a shot glass.
Whoo! Go Brenda! New candidate! New line!
My ex-running-mate Frank is a dirty dog.
Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah. He's a dirty, dirty dog.
And it has become very apparent
that Frank and I do not value the same things anymore.
-Most notably, Frank… -No, no, please don't tell them I fucked…
He wants to work within this system,
but I see a tooth gap that's widening every day.
He thinks the solution is to give teeth from rich foods to poor foods.
But I say… [inhales] we get rid of teeth altogether.
-[gasps] -[crowd silence]
-Brenda, what are you doing? -We should be sharing everything.
[crowd chatters]
Okay. There will be time later on for wild, unpopular rants.
-But let's get back to… -Hey, who owns that hot rod?
-[bell dings] -No, you don't,
'cause it would also belong to that Plum over there and that Box of Rigatoni!
-Holy shit, I would own a car? -Yes. Yes.
You'd own everything and nothing.
See? Vote for me, and together, we will tear down the system!
[silence]
[coughs]
What are you still doing in Frank's line? Get over here!
[applause and cheering]
Gee… [smooth voice] half of me wants to vote for Frank.
[rough voice] The other half wants to vote for Brenda.
-What do we do? I'm split. -They're splitting our vote.
What did I tell you? Foods are scared of your radical bullshit. You're fucking us.
You want to talk about fucking? 'Cause I can talk about fucking.
That's okay. Forget what I said. Stick to the issues.
Y'all want to hear something fucked up?
Only the moderator is permitted to ask questions and…
Please go back to that fucked up thing you were about to say?
Frank fucked a humey!
[crowd gasps]
[dramatic music]
Witness. Witness. Not to kink shame,
but it was gross. I hated it. You should be ashamed.
What? That… is… uh… preposterous.
Uh, it's a lie. Here's what's happening.
Uh, Brenda, see, she's losing 'cause of her shitty platform.
And now she's resorting to baseless, insane accusations,
which is easy to do.
Watch this. Brenda fucked a brick.
Better to fuck a brick than bear hugging a humey's funny leg
until it glazes you with its funny juice.
[crowd chatters]
Where are you going? Come back. Please come back.
I'm not a humey-fucker. I'm a food fucker. I'm serious. I'll fuck every one of you.
-Just give me the chance! -And get that humey stank all over them?
-No way! -Shut up, Brenda.
Shut up, Frank!
[angry grunting]
So, you can throw your vote away on one of these two hot messes,
or vote for me, Julius, baby!
-Jam! Let’s run it back! -[rap music resumes]
[crowd cheers]
-No! Where are you going? We're viable! -We are still viable candidates!
And on that note, which I would call a high C,
the food had spoken and by an overwhelming majority.
Your new leader of Foodtopia is everybody's favorite orange,
Julius!
-[cheering] -[fireworks exploding]
[Julius] I'm here for you! Yes!
I am a food of the food!
-For the food and by the food! -Wait for me.
[Veiner Hotzdog] Loss, despair, tragedy.
A power couple falls apart at the seams.
And with this, the very social fabric of Foodtopia unspools.
Shut the fuck up, Veiner.
[dramatic music]