♪ ♪
CHOIR LEADER: Can I hear the opening word: ♪ O... ♪
Here we go. One, two, three.
CHOIR LEADER and STUDENTS: ♪ O... ♪
CHOIR LEADER: Very good.
Remember, the text is first.
"In the beginning was the Word."
So the text is what you're concentrating on.
Make it part of the music.
- Let's all breathe in. - (students inhale)
- Breathe out. - (students exhale)
Excellent. Now, let's hear the opening chord.
♪ O... ♪
Good. Middle voices, a little bit more.
Higher voices are excellent.
Bass, a little more breath.
Try again.
♪ O... ♪
Okay, let's run the first verse.
One...
♪ O little town of Bethlehem ♪
♪ How still we see thee lie ♪
♪ Above thy deep and dreamless sleep ♪
♪ The silent stars go by ♪
♪ Yet in thy dark streets shineth ♪
♪ The everlasting light ♪
♪ The hopes and fears ♪
♪ Of all the years ♪
♪ Are met in thee ♪
♪ Tonight. ♪
Really great. Especially that T at the end.
All together.
Very, very good.
Excellent.
("Silver Joy" by Damien Jurado playing)
♪ Let me sleep ♪
♪ In the slumber of the morning ♪
(laughter, indistinct chatter)
♪ There's nowhere I need to be ♪
♪ And my dreams still are calling ♪
♪ Lay your troubles on the ground ♪
♪ No need to worry about them now ♪
♪ Daylight shaking through the trees ♪
♪ Do not disturb me ♪
♪ Let me be ♪
♪ And if you need a place to land ♪
♪ Come down when you are weary ♪
♪ No more clouds to put away ♪
- ♪ In the slumber of the... ♪ - (song stops abruptly)
(classical music playing)
(sighs)
(muttering)
Mm...
(grunts, chuckles)
(sighs, snickers)
Philistines.
Lazy, vulgar, rancid little Philistines.
- (knocking at door) - Hmm?
MISS CRANE: Mr. Hunham?
I'm busy right now.
Uh, Dr. Woodrup asked to see you.
(sighs)
(grunts)
What does he want?
Uh, I think it's about Christmas break.
I'll see him presently.
What's that?
Christmas cookies.
I made them for the faculty.
Well, not all the faculty. (laughs)
- Anyway, these are for you. - Oh. (chuckles)
("Time Has Come Today" by The Chambers Brothers playing)
♪ Time has come today ♪
(lively chatter)
♪ Young hearts can go their way ♪
♪ Can't put it off another day ♪
♪ I don't care what others say ♪
♪ They think we don't listen anyway ♪
♪ Time has come today ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Oh... ♪
Tully.
What are you doing with women's underwear?
It's the same swimsuit James Bond wears
in On Her Majesty's Secret Service.
It can't get more masculine than that.
Why don't you just wear cutoffs?
Because I'm going to St. Kitts.
I'm not going to be the only dickhead
on the beach wearing cutoffs.
(laughs): Oh. Look out, everyone.
Tully's going to St. Kitts.
They still look like panties.
You're right, Crandall. You caught me.
They're your mother's panties.
Tell her thanks for the good times!
Hey, Tully.
Hey, where are my cigarettes?
Your cigarettes?
You stole my fucking cigarettes.
I resent that baseless accusation.
Cut the shit.
I have no cigarettes now.
And Briggs says you suddenly had five of them
to trade for a skin mag.
I don't indulge in pornography.
I get enough of the real thing.
Especially with Crandall's mom!
Hey, Kountze.
Ten dollars for this?
Looks more like a nickel bag.
Don't buy that, Harriman. He's ripping you off.
- Plus, it's ditch weed. - Fuck you, Tully.
This shit's premium weed, all right?
And unlike you, I'm stuck here.
It's got to last me through Christmas.
Take pity on him, Harriman.
He's a poor little Christmas orphan with nowhere to go.
Little Christmas orphan needs his pot and porn.
Ten minutes, ladies.
Ten minutes.
("Silver Joy" by Damien Jurado resumes)
(quiet chatter)
♪ Let me sleep ♪
♪ In the slumber of tomorrow ♪
♪ There's nowhere we need to be ♪
♪ That will not be there after ♪
(lively, indistinct chatter)
♪ Daylight shaking through the trees ♪
♪ Do not disturb me ♪
♪ Let me be ♪
♪ Keep me with you on the ground ♪
♪ All of my worries behind me now ♪
♪ And be sure to wake me when ♪
♪ Eternity begins. ♪
(indistinct chatter continues)
I can't believe you got out of it.
Luck of the Irish.
I thought this was your year.
It was.
I told Woodrup my mother has lupus.
Does she?
I don't know. Probably.
We don't talk about those things.
So, who got stuck with it?
Who do you think?
MR. ROSENSWIEG: That poor walleyed bastard.
(pen scratching on paper)
(sighs)
Rémy Martin. Louis XIII.
Christmas gift from the Board of Trustees.
Oh, how generous of them.
Thank you again for doing this, Hunham.
I wouldn't have asked if it weren't an emergency.
Oh, Mr. Endicott's mother, right.
What a tragedy.
It's not as though you had plans to leave campus anyway.
And, of course, there's a nice little bonus in it for you.
Well... (sighs) "Non nobis solum nati sumus," I suppose.
"Not for ourselves alone are we born."
I'm guessing that's Cicero.
Cicero, yes.
(chuckling): Very good, Hardy. You remembered.
There'll be just four boys holding over this year.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, yes. I know a couple of these reprobates.
Let's be a little more elastic in our assessment, shall we?
It's hard enough for them to be away from home on the holidays.
Latitude is the last thing these boys need.
Paul, at your core, you're an excellent teacher,
but your approach to the students is rather traditional.
This school was founded in 1797.
I thought tradition was our stock in trade.
- Then let's call it hidebound. - Ah.
You know, unwavering, resistant to...
Yes, yes, yes, I know what "hidebound" means.
Uh, I get it.
You're still angry that I failed Jordan Osgood.
Senator Osgood was very upset
when Princeton rescinded Jordan's acceptance, yes.
And I've continued to have to deal with the fallout.
Hardy, are we really supposed to let these boys just skate by
as long as Daddy builds a new gymnasium?
Of course not. That's not who we are.
But we can't be ignorant to politics.
That boy is too dumb to pour piss out of a boot.
A genuine troglodyte.
Jesus Christ, Paul.
He was a legacy and the son of one of our biggest donors.
Ever think his dad might be expecting
a little consideration for his dollar?
And he got it-- a first-class education for his son.
Oh, come on, Hardy.
As Dr. Greene used to say, "Our one true purpose
is to produce young men of good character."
I don't care what Dr. Greene used to say.
"And we cannot sacrifice our integrity
on the altar of their entitlement."
I'm just trying to instill basic academic discipline.
That's my job. Isn't it yours?
It was.
Until I became headmaster
and saw that it's not so simple to keep the damn school afloat.
I begged you, begged you to give the kid a C minus.
(chuckles): No.
There are instructors here who will do that.
I am not one of them.
Here's the manual and a full set of keys.
Everything you need to know is in there.
Your only task is to ensure
the boys' absolute safety and good condition.
And at least pretend to be a human being.
Please.
It's Christmas.
(bells jingling)
♪ ♪
Fuck this half-day bullshit.
Where the hell is Walleye?
He's probably jerking off in the Cobb salad.
- Why would he do that? - Because he's Walleye.
Who knows what that foul-smelling freak does?
But you went straight to the Cobb salad.
I mean, do you know something?
Because I eat that Cobb salad.
Salve, gentlemen.
Your final exams.
(Paul clears throat)
(whistling Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyries")
(whistling stops)
Hmm.
I can tell by your faces that many of you
are shocked at the outcome.
I, on the other hand, am not, because I have had
the misfortune of teaching you this semester.
And even with my ocular limitations,
I witnessed firsthand
your glazed, uncomprehending expressions.
Sir, I don't understand.
That's glaringly apparent.
No, it's... (sighs) I can't fail this class.
Oh, don't sell yourself short, Mr. Kountze.
I truly believe that you can.
I'm supposed to go to Cornell.
Unlikely.
Please, sir. My dad's going to flip out.
(students murmuring)
All right. All right.
Uh, in the spirit of the season,
I suppose the most constructive way
of dealing with your shortcomings
is to offer a makeup exam.
You'll all get a second run at this after break.
(students sighing, murmuring)
Of course, it will not be the same exam.
You will now be responsible for new material as well.
(students groaning, murmuring)
Your grade will be an average of the two.
Please open your books to chapter six.
The Peloponnesian War, gentlemen.
You've already met Pericles.
Now prepare yourselves to meet Demosthenes.
No offense, sir, but is this really
the best time to be starting a new chapter?
I mean, we all appreciate the, uh, makeup exam gesture,
but our families are here.
You know, most teachers have already canceled class.
We have chapel in 40 minutes, then we're out of here.
Mm. -I mean, our heads are elsewhere.
And where exactly is your head, Mr. Tully?
Um, I don't know.
St. Kitts. (chuckles)
(chuckles)
Yes, indeed.
I see you've brought your valise.
Spot-on, sir.
It's just that it's been a really exhausting semester.
Getting into new material now right before break?
Honestly, it's a little absurd.
Sir.
Well, I would hate to be absurd.
So let's just scuttle the whole thing, shall we,
and let the original grades stand.
(students groaning, murmuring)
Uh, excuse me, sir.
I think, uh, we all liked the first option better.
What'd you say the guy's name was? Uh, Demosthe-who?
Of course, I still expect you to be familiar with chapter six
upon your return, so pack those textbooks, boys.
And if displeased,
take it up with your champion-- Mr. Tully.
Dismissed.
(whistling "Ride of the Valkyries")
(students murmuring)
I got us out early, didn't I?
(church organ playing)
CHOIR and CONGREGATION: ♪ Born thy people to deliver ♪
♪ Born a child and yet a king ♪
♪ Born to reign in us forever ♪
♪ Now thy gracious kingdom bring. ♪
Please be seated.
Welcome, Barton students, faculty and parents.
I know you're all anxious to start the holidays.
I can see the boys shifting in their seats.
- (laughter) - But before we release you
to your bountiful tables and the blessings of family,
let us pray for those less fortunate than we.
Let us remember the poor and the helpless,
the cold, the hungry and the oppressed.
Extra reading over vacation and no makeup test?
Are you fucking kidding me?
Nice work, anus.
Can you not talk, please? I'm trying to pray.
You better pray I don't catch you alone,
because I will full-on nut-punch you.
Tone it down.
- Jesus can hear you. - PRIEST: ...and all those
who know not the loving kindness of God.
Sorry to hear about your mother, Endicott.
What?
Oh. Yes.
Thank you.
Yeah. We're all pulling for her.
PRIEST: ...and your grace.
And finally, let us pray for the soul of Curtis Lamb,
Barton class of 1969.
Just this year, Curtis gave his life valiantly
in the service of his country.
And let us once again extend our deepest condolences
to one of the most cherished members of the Barton family,
his mother Mary.
Mary, we remember Curtis
as such an outstanding and promising young man,
and we know this holiday season
will be especially difficult without him.
Please know that we accompany you in your grief.
May the all-powerful God who protected Abraham
when he left his native land protect all our brave soldiers
until they are delivered safely home to us.
We ask this through Christ our Lord.
Amen.
CONGREGATION: Amen.
I wish you all a very Merry Christmas.
Or, as the case may be, a very Happy Hanukkah.
(light laughter)
(organ playing "Joy to the World")
(quiet chatter)
DR. WOODRUP: Congressman, Merry Christmas to you.
(overlapping chatter, Christmas greetings)
Merry Christmas, everyone.
Merry Christmas.
Hey. Good to see you.
Nice to see you. Merry Christmas.
(chatter continues)
Angus Tully.
You have a phone call.
ANGUS: You're telling me this now?
JUDY (over phone): Sweetheart, listen.
I know it's last minute, and I am...
I'm absolutely heartbroken,
but could you please see your way
to staying at school over break just this once?
Stanley has been working so hard,
and-and we've had no time for a honeymoon.
You guys have been married since July.
You've had all these months.
Something's always come up.
I know it's a lot to ask,
but you know how lonely I've been.
I've been lonely too.
And what about Boston?
You promised on the way we'd spend some time in Boston.
Angus, listen to me.
This is our new family, okay?
I know you miss your father-- I do, too--
but there's someone new in my life.
It's just this once, darling.
We'll be together at spring break,
and we'll have the whole summer.
Fuck the summer, and fuck Stanley.
Angus.
Are you kidding me?
I'm just supposed to stay here?
(Judy sighs)
Mom, please don't do this.
Please.
PAUL: I suspect that, like me,
this is not how you wanted to spend your holidays,
but such are the vicissitudes of life.
And as Barton men,
we learn to confront our challenges
with heads held high and with a spirit
of courage and good fellowship.
Uh, in strict accordance with the dictates
of the manual, of course.
Mr. Tully, are you joining us as well?
What happened to St. Kitts?
Something came up.
(suitcase thuds loudly on floor)
(Paul clears throat)
So, for the next two weeks,
we will be following a standard school schedule...
Sir? Uh, sir, we're on vacation.
...which means we will be taking our meals together,
and you will observe regular hours of study.
Study? Are you kidding me?
The Peloponnesian War awaits, Mr. Kountze.
You and Mr. Tully.
The rest of you can get a jump on the next semester.
It'll pay off. You'll see.
We're already holding over,
and now we're being punished for it?
You will be afforded limited windows for recreation
and supervised physical activity.
The gym's not even open yet.
Yeah, they've only lacquered half the floor.
PAUL: Fresh air will do you good.
It's like 15 degrees outside.
And the Romans bathed naked in the freezing Tiber.
Adversity builds character, Mr. Tully.
Uh, speaking of which, the school will be cutting heat
to dormitories and faculty housing,
so we'll all be bunking in the infirmary.
(sighing): Oh, God. Geez.
("Stille Nacht, Heilige Nacht (Silent Night)" playing)
ANGUS: This is the most bullshit ever.
If we have to stay, why'd we have to draw Walleye?
JASON: Uh, you know he used to be a student, right?
Yeah, that's why he knows how to inflict
maximum pain on us, the sadistic fuck.
TEDDY: At least we didn't draw Decker.
He'd be perving all over us.
ANGUS: Hey, guys, hold up for a second.
Want one?
TEDDY: No. I got something else.
Give me that.
Hey, don't smoke that out here.
I don't want to get busted by Walleye.
TEDDY: Don't be such a pussy.
ANGUS: I'm not a pussy. I just don't want
to end up at Fork Union paying for your mistake.
Teddy Kountze.
Jason Smith.
Yeah, I know who you are.
Want to hit this?
Uh, yeah.
You got a great arm, man.
Yeah, well, it's just football.
So, how'd you get stuck holding over?
I'm supposed to be skiing with my folks up at Haystack,
but my dad put his foot down,
said I can't come home unless I cut my hair.
(scoffs) So why don't you just cut your hair?
Civil disobedience, man.
ANGUS: Yeah, right.
JASON: No, he's cool. It's just a battle of wills.
Still, I was kind of hoping he'd cave first,
because the powder up at Haystack is so sweet right now.
What about you, Mr. Moto?
Why are you here?
Uh, no. Uh, my name is Ye-Joon.
Uh, my family is in Korea,
and they think it's too far for me to travel alone.
I figured it was because your rickshaw was broken. (laughs)
Uh, what-what's a rickshaw?
- You're an asshole, Kountze. - (sighs)
Your mind's a cesspool and a shallow one at that.
Who's the asshole, Tully?
You're the one who blew up history.
Hey.
What's your story, man?
Alex Ollerman.
I'm here because my parents are on a mission in Paraguay.
We're LDS.
JASON: Mormons, right?
Don't you guys wear some kind of like magic underwear?
ALEX: That's a common misconception.
Actually, it's called a temple garment,
and we're only supposed to wear it when we...
Hey, what's up with the townies?
Hey, what are you doing with our Christmas tree?
The school sold it back to us.
Scotch pine, still fresh.
MAN 2: Yeah, we're going to put it back on the lot.
We do it every year.
This is the most bullshit ever.
Hello, Mary. (sighs)
Mr. Hunham.
I heard you got stuck with babysitting duty this year.
How'd you manage that?
Oh, I don't know.
I suppose I failed someone who richly deserved it.
Oh, the Osgood kid?
Yeah, he was a real asshole.
Rich and dumb.
Popular combination around here.
It's a plague.
Uh, and you?
You'll be here, too?
All by my lonesome.
My little sister Peggy and her husband invited me
to go visit them at Roxbury, but I feel like it's too soon.
Like Curtis will think that I'm abandoning him.
You know, this is the last place
that my baby and I were together,
- not including the bus station. - Yeah.
Well, I look forward to your fine cooking.
Oh, no, no. Don't do that.
All we've got is whatever is in that walk-in.
No new deliveries till January.
Hmm.
You mind if I, um...
- You want some of that? - Mm.
- All right. - (chuckles) Thank you.
(Paul clears throat)
- You know this is a necessity. - Oh, yes.
(jingle playing over radio)
♪ WABC ♪
♪ Top 100 of the year. ♪
DISC JOCKEY: Now 17.
Yeah, by Shocking Blue, it's called "Venus."
("Venus" by Shocking Blue playing)
♪ A goddess on a mountaintop... ♪
- Where's my photo? - What photo?
I think you know what photo, and you stole it.
I resent that baseless accusation.
Give me my goddamn picture.
Hey, what's your problem, Tully?
You homesick?
Huh? Gonna cry?
Little boy misses his mommy?
Fuck you, Kountze.
Why are you even here, anyway? Where's your family?
We're renovating our house, all right?
It's all torn up.
They're storing the tools and stuff in my room.
That's what they told you?
It's winter, idiot.
Nobody renovates their house in the winter.
Your parents don't want you around
because you're a fucking insecure sociopath.
JASON: Hey, take it easy, guys.
A what?
I mean, who'd want you for a son?
That's why you grind everybody,
because deep down you know you're an asshole.
Plus, academically, you're a disaster.
I mean, if I were your parents, I'd never want you home again.
The only tool in your room is you.
(yells, grunts)
(grunting, muttering)
Bitch.
- Come on! Come on! - JASON: Hey, hey, hey!
All right, all right.
Break it up. Break it up. Break it up.
They weren't fighting.
I see.
And who started it-- the not fighting?
Hmm? Mr. Tully,
perhaps you could shed some light on the subject.
Mr. Kountze?
Mr. Smith?
Mr. Ollerman?
Mr. Park?
All right, then, uh, we'll do it like the Roman legions.
Absent a confession, one man's sin
is every man's suffering.
For every minute the truth is withheld,
you will all receive a detention.
And I thought all the Nazis were hiding in Argentina.
Stifle it, Tully.
Now, uh, in the first of said detentions,
you will clean the library, top to bottom.
Scraping the underside of the desks,
which are caked with snot and gum
and all manner of ancient, unspeakable proteins.
Ah, on your hands and knees, down in the dust,
breathing in the dead skin of generations of students
and desiccated cockroach assholes.
It was Kountze!
(Alex panting)
Kountze started it.
Bravo, Mr. Ollerman.
Bravo.
(quiet, indistinct chatter)
(light laughter)
Lovely.
Thank you, Mary.
Didn't we already have this for lunch?
And it was crappy then.
PAUL: Consider yourselves lucky.
During the Third Punic campaign, 149 to 146 BC,
the Romans laid siege to Carthage
for three entire years.
- (door opens) - By the time it ended,
the Carthaginians were reduced to eating sand
and drinking their own urine.
Hence the term "punitive."
Uh... (sniffs) Mary?
Maybe you would, uh...
maybe you would care to join us?
No, I'm all right. Thank you.
(door opens and closes)
I mean, I know she's sad about her son and everything,
but still, she's getting paid to do a job,
and she should do it well, right?
But I guess, no matter how bad a cook she is,
now they can never fire her.
Will you shut up!
You have no idea what that woman has been thr...
(sighs)
You know, Mr. Kountze, for most people,
life is like a henhouse ladder.
Shitty and short.
You were born lucky.
Maybe someday, you entitled little degenerates
will appreciate that.
If you don't, I feel sorry for you
and we will have failed to do our jobs.
Now, eat.
♪ God rest ye merry, gentlemen ♪
♪ Let nothing you dismay ♪
♪ Remember Christ our Savior ♪
♪ Was born on Christmas Day ♪
♪ To save us all from Satan's power ♪
♪ When we were gone astray ♪
♪ O tidings of comfort and joy ♪
♪ And joy ♪
♪ O tidings of... ♪
BOB EUBANKS (over TV): That's right.
(cheering and applause over TV)
Next question for five points, girls.
What are the dimensions of the car you drive most?
And that means width by length.
The dimensions of the car you drive most. Jerry?
JERRY (over TV): It's pretty long.
Oh, let's see. Maybe, uh, 8 by 80?
(laughter over TV)
EUBANKS: What's the name of your car, Union Pacific?
(Paul clears throat)
- Oh, good evening. - Good evening.
What's this?
You don't know The Newlywed Game?
No. -What planet have you been living on?
I don't really watch television.
It's a show where they ask couples questions
to see how well they know each other.
That sounds like courting disaster.
Yeah, that's the whole damn point.
Sit down.
Come on.
Broaden your horizons.
(sighs) This is a rerun from July.
Which is why they're playing for Weber barbecues
and picnic utensils.
- PAUL: Fascinating. - MARY: Mm-hmm.
EUBANKS: If we ever take separate vacations,
I am sending my wife to blank...
- Oh. Thank you. - Mm-hmm.
(chatter continues over TV)
So, how are the boys?
Broken in body and spirit.
Okay, well, it is the holidays, so, you know, go easy on them.
Oh, please.
They've had it easy their whole lives.
You don't know that.
Did you?
Besides, everybody should be with their people on Christmas.
- WOMAN: Hawaii, probably. - EUBANKS: Hawaii. All right.
He says he's gonna send you to Santa Ana
and he's going to Las Vegas.
MAN: Nobody can watch you in Siberia.
Where are you going?
- To Vegas. - Las Vegas?
- Yeah. - (sighs)
- No. - (audience murmurs, laughs)
Those two are going to get a divorce.
How do you know?
I recognize that look of stale disappointment.
- (chuckling) - She hates him.
Oh.
How long were you married?
I was engaged to Curtis's father.
Mm. -But he died before I gave birth.
Harold.
He worked in the shipyard.
And one day, they was carrying this big, uh,
cargo pallet, and the cable snapped.
Hit him right across the head.
They were good men.
Both of them.
And neither of them made it to 25.
My baby wasn't even 20.
I'm so sorry.
I took this job when Curtis was small
because I wanted to ensure
that he was going to have a good education.
- You know he flourished here. - Yes. No, he was a great kid.
- I had him one semester. - Mm-hmm.
Very insightful.
Mm-hmm. He hated you.
He said you were a real asshole.
Well, uh, like I said... (chuckles)
sharp kid. Insightful.
He had his heart set on Swarthmore.
And he had the grades, but I didn't have the money.
Even with financial aid, it wasn't enough.
So, when he got called up and no student deferment,
off he went.
Do you know what he said to me?
He said, "Hey, Ma, look at the upside.
When I get discharged, I can go to college on the GI Bill."
College.
And here we are.
With my Curtis in the cold ground
and those boys safe and warm in their beds.
It's like you said.
How'd you say it?
"Life is like a henhouse ladder."
- (Paul chuckles) - That's right.
I can hear everything you're saying from the kitchen.
Especially that Kountze kid.
Crown prince of all the little assholes.
- (chuckles) - MAN (over TV): It's zero.
EUBANKS: Zero. She said it is zero!
Couple number one, Mike and Sherry McCray,
you are our grand prize winner!
(applause, cheering over TV)
All right, you fetid layabouts.
It's daylight in the swamp!
(clanging)
Arise!
(students groaning)
("Carol of the Drum (Little Drummer Boy)" playing)
Speed, gentlemen.
Speed!
Without sufficient exercise, the body devours itself.
That's it!
Good.
(coughing)
♪ Our finest gifts we bring, pa-rum pum pum pum ♪
(sniffs, coughs)
♪ To lay before the King, pa-rum pum pum pum ♪
♪ Rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum ♪
♪ So to honor him, pa-rum pum pum pum ♪
♪ When we come ♪
♪ Baby Jesus... ♪
What about your car?
We can take it, go somewhere. Boston, maybe?
Nah, we'd get in so much trouble.
Face it. We're stuck.
If we just had some way to get out of here.
- Yo. - Just split.
Well, you could put a chopper down right in the quad.
What?
A helicopter, dumbass.
His old man's the CEO of Pratt & Whitney.
Yeah, he's got his own bird.
He takes it from Stamford to the city every morning.
Lands it right in the backyard.
The pilot's name is Wild Bill.
- Wild Bill? - Yeah.
He flew up to Haystack with it.
Took the presents and everything, minus me.
Flying with presents, like Santa Claus.
Yeah.
Just like Santa Claus. (whistles)
Hey.
Oh, let's go, let's go!
You know, if I were back home right now in Provo,
it'd be really warm inside.
And my mom, she'd be making me baked apples,
and the whole house would smell like cinnamon and brown sugar.
That sounds so nice.
JASON: Touchdown!
(Teddy grunting)
Hey!
(laughs) That's what you get
for ratting me out, you little Mormon!
- (grunts, laughs) - ALEX: What?
TEDDY: Let's go!
What's Fork Union?
Uh, before, you said you don't want to end up at Fork Union.
It's a military academy in Virginia.
That's where I'm going if I get kicked out of school again.
How many schools have you been kicked out of?
Three.
That's why I'm still a junior.
- Give or take a semester. - ALEX: It's gone!
My glove's gone.
Twisted fucker orphaned that glove on purpose.
Left you with one so the loss would sting that much more.
♪ ♪
(deep, shuddering breath)
♪ ♪
(crying)
Hey.
You all right?
(voice shaking): I had a nightmare.
I get nightmares too.
I'm always falling or drowning.
Also...
(sobbing)
I had an accident.
Yeah, you did.
Shh. Stop crying.
If they hear you, they'll crucify you.
Which would be ironic since you're Buddhist.
I know this is an excellent school,
and my brothers went here,
but I miss my family,
and I have no friends.
Yeah, well, friends are overrated.
I'll help you hide the sheets in the morning, all right?
In the meantime, find a dry spot and try to get some sleep.
Thank you.
Fucking asparagus.
(clearing throat)
(whispering): Are you kidding me?
It's only 11:00, and he's already lit.
I can smell the whiskey on him.
Can you blame him? It's freezing in here.
It's fucking Greenland in here.
(helicopter whirring in distance)
What the hell is that?
(whirring continues)
JASON: I knew it!
He finally caved, the big softie.
Hey, any of you guys like to ski?
♪ ♪
PAUL: Thank you.
Goodbye, now.
(chatter continues indistinctly)
♪ ♪
Yes!
Well, good news, gentlemen.
I was able to reach Dr. Woodrup and your parents.
Uh, most of them, anyway.
Try calling again. Just one more time, please.
There's no point.
The front desk says they're not answering.
He says they're away on some excursion.
- Excursion. - (chuckles)
I'm as disappointed as you are, if not more so.
I could have been spending the rest of my vacation
reading mystery novels.
Maybe they're back now. Just call again, please.
Okay.
Happy holidays.
Same to you.
Take care, Tully.
I guess that just leaves you, huh?
Be sure to do all your homework.
Oh, almost forgot.
I found that picture you were looking for.
Merry Christmas, Mr. Tully.
(Teddy laughing)
Bye, Angus.
♪ ♪
(indistinct chatter)
(Paul sighs)
Well, let's make the best of it, shall we?
(sighs)
WOMAN (over TV): Oh, I suppose, um,
- Stan Laurel, maybe, because... - EUBANKS: Stan Laurel.
All right. Your husband said his favorite silent movie star
is Rudolph Valentino.
- Oh. He is good. - MAN: Well, yeah.
(laughter over TV)
(Paul chuckles)
EUBANKS: The last of our five-point questions, girls...
How about you? You ever been married?
(scoffs, chuckles)
No. I did get close once.
Right after college.
MARY: And?
PAUL: We came to our senses.
This is not exactly a face forged for romance, Mary.
Yeah, and the...
And, you know...
What?
Nothing.
I don't know. I like being alone.
I've always found myself drawn to the aesthetic.
Like a monk.
The forgoing of sensual pleasures
for the achievement of spiritual goals.
- Spiritual goals? - Mm-hmm.
- You? - (chuckles)
What spiritual goals are we talking about?
You go to church?
- Mm, only when required. - Exactly.
When's the last time you even left campus?
- I go into town all the time. - Oh.
For groceries and various errands
- and appointments. - Mm-hmm.
(sighs, stammers)
Okay, yes, I don't leave campus often.
I don't really feel the need.
Let me ask you something.
If you could go anywhere on Earth, where would you go?
(chuckling): Oh.
Greece, Italy,
Egypt, Peru, Carthage.
Tunisia now, of course.
In college, I started a monograph on Carthage.
I'd like to finish that someday.
(sighs) A monograph is like a book, o-only shorter.
I know what a monograph is.
Why not just write a book?
I'm not sure I have an entire book in me.
You can't even dream a whole dream, can you?
(grunting softly)
(groans)
(sighs)
Monet, Manet, Picasso.
(passes gas)
(takes deep breath)
(Paul snoring)
("Crying, Laughing, Loving, Lying" by Labi Siffre playing)
♪ Crying ♪
♪ Crying never did nobody no good no how ♪
♪ That's why I ♪
♪ I don't cry ♪
♪ Laughing ♪
♪ Laughing sometimes does somebody some good somehow ♪
♪ That's why I ♪
♪ I'm laughing now ♪
♪ That's why I ♪
♪ I'm laughing now. ♪
(song ends)
(takes deep breath)
(Paul clears throat)
I have a surprise.
Uh, these were a gift to me,
and I would like to share them with both of you.
Look at them. Look at all the festive shapes.
Snowflakes and gingerbread men. A tree.
A little mitten. (chuckles)
Mmm. (chuckles)
Mmm.
May I go to the bathroom, sir?
You may.
(sighs)
Well, I'm trying.
(laughing)
Mmm.
If you don't have a single room,
uh, I'll take a junior suite or the equivalent.
I fully understand it's the holidays,
but it's kind of an emergency.
Mm-hmm. Yeah, sure.
Mr. Tully, what are you doing?
Uh, no, no credit card.
I'll pay cash or traveler's checks.
I didn't say you could use the phone.
(chuckling): Okay, I see.
Is there anywhere else you could recommend?
Maybe downtown or...
- Was that a hotel? - None of your business.
It is absolutely my business. I'm looking after you.
Looking after me? Really?
- Like what? Like my warden? - (scoffs)
Like my butler?
There's nobody here, okay?
Just us two losers and a grieving mom.
So let's cut the shit.
You stay out of my way, and I'll stay out of yours.
- That's a detention. - (groans)
You just earned yourself a detention, sir.
Now, get back here!
Being here with you is already one big fucking detention!
Son of a bitch, that's another detention!
("Deck the Halls" by The Swingle Singers playing)
Mr. Tully!
I don't know what you're playing at, Mr. Tully,
but you are courting disaster!
Without exercise, the body devours itself.
You are careening towards suspension!
(grumbles)
(panting)
(panting heavily)
Don't even think about it, Mr. Tully.
You are a hair's breadth from suspension.
I'll wash my hands of you, you hear me?
Wash my hands.
Stop right there.
You know the gym is strictly off-limits.
This is your Rubicon.
Do not cross the Rubicon.
Alea jacta est.
(Angus screaming)
Oh, fuck! Ow!
Jesus, Mr. Hunham! Fuck!
Hurry up! Hurry!
I am hurrying!
I was on thin ice already.
If Woodrup finds out, the facts won't matter.
- He'll make it my fault. - It is your fault!
You were supposed to be looking after me.
I told you to stop.
You said you washed your hands of me.
No, I meant it metaphorically!
Of course you meant it metaphorically.
What were you going to do, actually go and wash your hands?
This is the end.
They'll inform the school who will inform your parents,
and then it's curtains.
(chuckles)
You're gonna get me fired.
You. (scoffs)
I'm the one that might lose an arm,
and all you can think about is yourself.
NURSE: If you could fill this out, please.
Admissions and insurance.
(Paul sighs)
Excuse me.
Is there any way we could skip this whole insurance thing?
It's just standard procedure.
ANGUS: I understand, but look, um,
we were over at Squantz Pond playing hockey,
and I slipped on the ice.
Angus, what are you doing?
My mom told him not to take me, but I made him.
My folks are divorced.
We don't get to see each other very often.
She'll be mad as a hornet if she finds out.
NURSE: Okay, that's your business,
but we just have certain protocols.
- Yeah. Protocols. - Please.
I never get to see my dad.
It was my fault. All mine.
I don't want to get him in any trouble.
I don't want her dragging you into court again.
We can skip the insurance thing.
We can pay cash.
Right, Dad?
DOCTOR: So the good news is nothing's broken,
but you did dislocate your shoulder pretty badly.
What does that mean?
Well, that means that your arm has popped out of the socket.
And we just need to pop it back in.
I'm going to have you lie down.
- Nice and easy. - Is this going to hurt?
- (groaning) - Any more than it does now?
Not if you relax.
The key is just to relax as best as you can.
(Angus continues groaning)
DOCTOR: Deep breaths. Deep breaths.
(rapid, shuddering breaths)
On the count of three.
One, two, three.
(yelling in pain)
- (joint pops) - Jesus!
(Angus screams)
Barton men don't do that.
Do what?
Barton men don't lie.
Yeah, well, I had momentum.
PAUL: Mm-hmm.
Hello.
We have this prescription.
Percodan. Okay.
Uh, give me a couple minutes.
PAUL: Thank you.
Look, you said, if Woodrup finds out, you're screwed,
so now he won't find out.
What happens if your parents inquire?
(scoffs) Never gonna happen.
Trust me.
Okay, then. This all remains entre nous.
Got it? You know what entre nous means?
Oui, monsieur.
Now you owe me.
Owe you?
Oh, do not try to leverage me, Mr. Tully.
All I'm looking for is a little thank-you
that I did something nice for you.
That's all.
("No Matter What" by Badfinger playing)
ANGUS: Think I'll start with a beer. How about you?
PAUL: Don't be ridiculous, Mr. Tully.
Get your cheeseburger.
- They've got Miller High Life. - Mm.
- The champagne of beers. - Oh.
Okay, you ready to order? Oh!
Miss Crane.
As I live and breathe.
What-what... what are you doing here?
(laughing): Oh. Hi, guys.
Yeah, I always pick up a little extra work
over Thanksgiving and Christmas.
Ah.
Well, um, this is Mr. Tully.
MISS CRANE: Oh, sure. I know you.
Angus Tully.
We met outside Dr. Woodrup's office.
I was wrongly accused of blowing up a toilet.
I didn't know about the wrongly part.
(chuckling)
Um, he'll have a cheeseburger.
MISS CRANE: Okay.
And a Miller High Life, please.
PAUL: Uh, no, you will not.
Where do you stand on Miller High Life, Miss Crane?
Well, like they say, it's the champagne of beers.
- And she's a professional. - PAUL: Okay.
MISS CRANE (laughs): Okay, one cheeseburger.
- And a Coke. - MISS CRANE: Okay.
I will have a cheeseburger as well.
MISS CRANE (chuckles): Two cheeseburgers.
- And a Jim Beam on the rocks. - Oh. Okay.
PAUL: Please.
Okay. You got it, guys.
Thank you.
Hmm.
(chuckling): Ouch. You two have chemistry.
(laughs): Okay.
That's the Percodan talking.
I don't know, seeing her like this,
I think she's pretty attractive.
Listen, you hormonal vulgarian,
that woman deserves your respect,
not your erotic speculation.
Well, may I at least go to the bathroom?
- (Paul sighs) - Sir?
You mean the pay phone?
- Okay. - Ah.
A Coke...
- and a double Jim. - Oh.
(whispers): I charged you for a single.
- Thank you. - (chuckles)
- Chin-chin. - Mm-hmm.
So, how'd you get stuck holding over?
I thought it was Mr. Endicott's year.
(chuckles) No, I know.
Uh, I'm being punished.
Yeah, Dr. Woodrup is, um...
A pompous ass with a dictator complex?
(both chuckle)
Oops. Um...
Uh, what I meant to say was, uh,
well, he's a lovely compassionate educator
- with a really groovy beard. - (both laugh)
Yeah. You know, I've had a lot of former students
ascend to positions of authority.
He's the only one I've ever had to report to.
- He was your student? - Oh, yes.
My first year teaching,
and he was an asshole even then.
(both laugh)
(sighs): Oh.
Well, listen, if you and Angus are really all alone up there,
I'm having a little Christmas Eve party.
In case, you know, you guys want to stop by.
("Knock Three Times" by Tony Orlando & Dawn playing)
♪ Oh, my sweetness ♪
(three drumbeats)
♪ Means you'll meet me in the hallway ♪
♪ Twice on the pipe ♪
♪ Means you ain't gonna show ♪
♪ If you look out your window tonight... ♪
Sorry, kid. Next game's taken.
But I just put a dime down.
I don't care. My buddy's up next.
That's not how it works.
That's how it works in here.
Why don't you go shoot the other fucking machine?
Because I don't want to shoot the other fucking machine.
- I want to use this one. - Fuck!
Thanks for fucking up my mojo.
Hey, Kenny, you're up.
ANGUS: Bullshit.
I put my dime down. I'm up next.
What was that?
Oh.
Hey, sport, my eyes are up here.
PINBALL PLAYER: Look at this fucking kid.
Spoiled little fucking Barton boy.
Yeah, he's a fancy little prick, isn't he?
You know what?
You can just take my dime.
You want me to take your dime?
Like it's, uh... like it's charity?
No. What I meant was...
we could play together.
Yeah, you could be my left arm.
The fuck did you just say to me?
- Hey! - Mr. Hunham?
PAUL: Mm, yes?
- Mr. Hunham, can we go, please? - Why?
Uh, I've just been called a fancy little prick.
- Hey! Why'd you run off? - We should go.
We were just talking to you.
Don't they teach you manners at that school?
- No, no, no. No, no. - MISS CRANE: Kenneth!
Kenneth, leave him alone.
They just came in for some food.
PAUL: Kenneth. Kenneth.
Is that right?
Uh, I don't doubt he did something to offend you.
It's his specialty.
Now, perhaps I can purchase you gentlemen something to imbibe
and we could let whatever this unfortunate incident is
go the way of the dodo.
The what?
The dodo. It's an extinct bird.
What he's trying to say is
he'd like to buy you guys a beer.
- Yeah, yeah. Okay. - PAUL: Great.
Yeah, yeah. I'll have a Miller.
Champagne of beers.
Why'd you buy those guys beers? They're assholes.
That's one way to look at it.
Hey.
Catch.
How many boys do you know have had their hands blown off?
Barton boys don't go to Vietnam.
No, they go to Yale or Dartmouth or Cornell,
whether they deserve to or not.
- Except for Curtis Lamb. - Except for Curtis Lamb.
Were you ever in the military?
Yes. I tried to enlist in '41, but was rejected.
I have to get in over there.
They made me an air raid warden.
Gave me a whistle and everything. (chuckles)
Helmet, armband.
Yeah.
Before we get going, can I be candid with you?
Mm-hmm.
You smell.
Like fish.
And it's really noticeable towards the end of the day.
I can even smell it on your coat.
- Mind if I crack the window? - (sighs)
Trimethylaminuria.
Huh?
Trimethylaminuria.
Means my body can't break down trimethylamine.
That's the smell.
And, uh, yes, more toward the end of the day.
Wow.
- Your whole life? - Mm-hmm.
No wonder you're afraid of women.
I am not afraid of women.
- Jesus H. Christ. - Sorry.
I shouldn't have said anything.
(sighs)
Dr. Gertler says I don't always
give consideration to my audience.
Ah. And who is Dr. Gertler?
- My shrink. - Hmm.
Has Dr. Gertler ever tried a good, swift kick in the ass?
(Angus scoffs)
Okay, all right, now your turn.
- Hmm. - Go ahead.
- Tell me something about me. - (scoffs)
- Something negative. - Something negative about you?
Sure. Just one thing.
Just one?
MARY: Why'd you two miss dinner last night?
Oh, we went into town on some, uh, school-related business.
And you couldn't call?
Sorry.
Good morning, everybody.
- Hi, Danny. - Good morning.
You can go on in and fix yourself a plate.
Mm, I just saw something funny.
I walked into the gym,
and someone had vomited in there.
You don't say. I don't know anything about that.
Yeah. Me, neither.
No, uh, I'll look into that right away.
Thank you.
Mm-hmm. I see how it is.
♪ ♪
- (bucket thuds on floor) - (Angus scoffs)
DANNY: You're out your mind.
(breathing sharply)
(exhales)
(grunts)
(banging)
I appreciate you pitching in.
No, no, I should be thanking you.
This is very therapeutic.
(scoffs) Try it when you're stuck
serving 300 little shits, and all they do is complain.
Then you tell me how therapeutic it is.
- Well, fair enough. - (chuckles)
Mary.
Speaking of.
(chuckling): Oh, brownies?
God, yes. I want all of these.
MARY: Ah-ah. Just take one.
The rest is for the Christmas party tonight.
What Christmas party? There's a Christmas party?
MARY: Yeah, at Miss Crane's house.
I'm only going to go for a little bit.
Show my face and say I was there.
You know, Miss Crane said she invited you too.
- I want to go to the party. - (Paul stammers)
She didn't mean it. We were just making small talk.
If you don't want to go, don't go.
- I'll take him. - (Paul scoffs)
Mary can take me.
No, that's not how it works.
You're under my supervision.
Okay, maybe it's fine for you to sit around here
and read books all day,
but I'm losing my goddamn mind.
- Jesus! - MARY: Hey!
Watch your mouth, young man.
Not on Christmas Eve.
You see?
I can't trust him in a social situation.
Mr. Hunham, if you're too chickenshit
to go to this party, then just say that.
But don't fuck it up for the little asshole. -Mm.
What's wrong with you? It's just a party.
- What are you afraid of? - (sighs) I don't know.
Shit. Now you got me nervous.
("White Christmas" by The Swingle Singers playing)
♪ ♪
(sniffing)
- (spraying) - Mm.
Yeah.
(lively chatter)
("Jingle Bells" by Herb Alpert & The Tijuana Brass playing)
- Oh, hi. - Oh, hi.
- Oh, you made it. Welcome. - (chuckles) Yes.
Hi. Aw.
I am so glad you're here.
We're happy to be here.
Where should I put these?
Um, oh. (chuckles)
(gasps)
Those, I'll be putting on my bedside table.
(laughing): Oh! You're a wicked woman.
- You have no idea. - Oh!
Certainly a lot of people here.
(sighs) Yeah, yeah.
Some family, friends from town.
- Oh. - Only you guys from work.
- Ah. - Yeah.
- That's my mom on the couch. - PAUL: Mm-hmm.
MISS CRANE: Uh, that's my sister Kathy
and her son Marvin.
Oh, and that's my friend Tom.
He owns the men's clothing store
- on Bolen Street. - PAUL: Of course.
MISS CRANE: Yeah, and his son.
(chatter and music fade)
(music box playing "Away in a Manger")
MISS CRANE: Angus.
This is Angus Tully.
He's one of our students at Barton.
This is my niece Elise.
"Niece Elise." Nice.
MISS CRANE: And this is Mr. Hunham.
He's one of our finest teachers.
- PAUL: Oh. - MISS CRANE: History, right?
PAUL: Uh, ancient civilizations.
MISS CRANE: Ah. (chuckles)
And this is Mary Lamb.
She is the manager of the cafeteria.
- ELISE: Cool. - Hi.
Hi. (chuckles)
Um, hey, why don't you take Angus
down into the basement?
Introduce him to our family tradition.
Come on.
Okay, and, uh, why don't I get you guys some drinks?
- Uh, Jim Beam for you, right? - Correct.
Okay, and what about you, Mary?
- Uh, I'll take a whiskey. - Okay.
(kids chattering)
♪ He's the jolly little fellow called Santa Claus ♪
♪ Who'll be around on Christmas Eve night ♪
♪ He's a chubby little fellow with a long white beard ♪
♪ And he comes from far away... ♪
ANGUS: This is what you wanted to show me?
I grew up playing down here during my aunt's parties.
I think it's kind of cool.
There's a purity to it.
I mean, every child is an artist.
The problem is remaining an artist when we grow up.
Picasso said that.
Picasso's cool.
Yeah, I saw Guernica once.
- You know, the-the big mural? - Yeah.
- With the horse? - (laughs)
Yeah, I know Guernica. You really saw it?
Yeah. At The Museum of Modern Art in New York.
It's huge.
My dad took me.
♪ Merry Christmas ♪
("Silent Night" by The Temptations playing)
- ♪ To each one of you ♪ - ♪ To all of you ♪
- ♪ Ooh-ooh ♪ - ♪ Mm ♪
♪ Silent night ♪
♪ Holy night... ♪
There you go.
Hey, how you doing, hmm?
- I'm doing all right. - Okay.
They put me in charge of the music.
Who put you in charge of the music?
I did.
- (both laugh) - You so crazy.
Oh. I got you something.
- No, Danny. - Yeah, go ahead.
Mm-mm. You didn't have to do all this.
I don't have to do anything but pay taxes and die.
I wanted to. Here.
♪ Holy infant so tender and mild... ♪
This is lovely.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
But, Danny, I didn't get you anything.
Yes, you did.
You got me that beautiful smile.
(Danny chuckling)
- There it is. - (Mary chuckles)
(laughing): There it is.
- Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas.
(kids chattering)
ANGUS: Am I doing this right?
ELISE: There's no right or wrong.
♪ I wish my mom would marry Santa Claus ♪
♪ Then I know he would always stay ♪
♪ And we could always play with the toys... ♪
Are you trying to look down my shirt?
(laughs): No.
Yes.
You know, I'm not gonna do this
if you're not gonna take it seriously.
(laughing): I am taking it seriously.
As seriously as one can take finger painting.
(laughing): You're not.
You missed this whole area right here.
♪ And it would always be ♪
♪ Like Christmas every day for me. ♪
(chuckles)
Oh. (chuckles)
- Well... - Mistletoe. (laughs)
Oh, yes, of course, that's-that's why. Right.
- Ah. - (both laughing)
You know, it's interesting.
Aeneas, uh, carried mistletoe with him
when he descended into Hades, uh,
in search of his father.
Oh. Huh.
Anyway, uh, I like your tree.
It's very space-age.
Oh! I bought it to commemorate the moon landing.
- Really? Oh. Oh. - Yeah.
(Miss Crane sighs)
So, where's your family this Christmas?
Nowhere. I'm an only child.
Uh, my mother died when I was young.
Oh.
And your father?
(chuckles)
Let's just say I left home when I was 15.
- You ran away? - Worse.
- I got a scholarship to Barton. - Oh.
And from there, I went to college and never looked back.
- Oh, but you did a little. - Hmm?
I mean, you came back here.
Ah.
Feels kind of like home. Yes.
And I guess I thought I could make a difference.
I mean, I used to think I could prepare them for the world
- even a little. - Mm-hmm.
Provide standards and grounding
like Dr. Greene always drilled into us.
But, uh, the world doesn't make sense anymore.
(chuckles): I mean, it's on fire.
The rich don't give a shit.
Poor kids are cannon fodder.
Integrity is a punch line.
Trust is just a name on a bank.
(Miss Crane chuckles softly)
Well...
look, if that's all true,
then now is when they most need someone like you.
(record scratching, skipping)
("When Winter Comes" by Artie Shaw & His Orchestra playing)
Danny, did you know that Curtis used to love Artie Shaw?
You know, we used to dance to this.
(chuckles)
What teenage kid you know listens to Artie Shaw?
You're killing me.
Can't you play something a little hipper?
Don't touch that goddamn record.
DANNY: Hey, wait. Hey, M-Mary, come on, just sit down.
- MARY: Oh, I'm okay. - DANNY: All right.
- No, Danny, I'm okay. - I-I know. Please.
- Okay, but I said I'm okay. - Okay.
♪ And I'll be fine in the summer ♪
♪ But then I gotta have you to cuddle up to ♪
♪ When winter comes. ♪
♪ ♪
Go get me another drink.
So, are you planning anything special for tomorrow?
No. Why? Are you having, um...
Oh, no, no. I just...
I thought maybe you were doing something special for Angus.
Oh.
("It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year" playing)
- You should. - Oh.
Help preserve some of the magic.
I mean, he may be a little difficult, but he's still...
- he's just a kid. - Yeah.
Life catches up to them so fast.
Them. Ha.
- Us. - Mm-hmm.
You're a very sweet person, Miss Crane.
Aw.
- So are you. - (chuckles)
- When you want to be. - Mm.
And it's Lydia.
Lydia. (chuckles)
(door opens)
- Excuse me for a minute. - Mm.
Hi.
♪ There'll be much mistletoeing ♪
♪ And hearts will be glowing ♪
♪ When loved ones are near ♪
♪ It's the most wonderful time ♪
♪ Of the year... ♪
(sighs)
Mr. Hunham? Mr. Hunham, could you come with me, please?
Yeah. What is it?
Come on. I'm serious.
(grunts)
- Come on. - Yes.
♪ There'll be scary ghost stories ♪
- (Mary sobbing) - ♪ And tales of the glories ♪
♪ Of Christmases long, long ago... ♪
Mary?
You all right?
MARY: Just leave me alone.
You want me to take you home?
Back off! Back off.
♪ There'll be much mistletoeing ♪
♪ And hearts will be glowing... ♪
(song continues muffled in distance)
(Mary sniffling, crying)
He's gone.
(sighs)
PAUL: I was right.
This is why I hate parties.
That was a disaster. Total disaster.
Speak for yourself. I was having fun.
Let's take Mary home,
make sure she's okay, and we'll come back.
- Out of the question. - Come on.
Would you give me a break?
I was hitting it off with Elise.
Oh. (chuckles) The niece?
Are you kidding me?
This poor woman is bereft,
and all you can think about is some silly girl.
Unbelievable. -I don't need you feeling sorry for me.
See? I'm just saying, this was the first good thing
that came with being in this prison with you.
Need I remind you
that it is not my fault that you are stuck here?
Do you think I want to be babysitting you?
Oh, no, no, I was praying to the god I don't even believe in
that your mother would pick up the phone
or your father would arrive in a helicopter or a submarine
or a flying fucking saucer to take you...
My father's dead.
(stammering): I thought your father...
That's just some rich guy my mom married.
Give me your keys.
It's unlocked.
You don't tell a boy that's been left behind at Christmas
that you're aching to cut him loose.
That nobody wants him.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Let's go. I'm cold.
(grunts softly)
♪ O little town of Bethlehem ♪
♪ How still we see thee lie ♪
♪ Above thy deep and dreamless sleep ♪
♪ The silent stars go by ♪
♪ Yet in thy dark streets shineth ♪
♪ The everlasting light... ♪
(car door closes)
- Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas.
What can I do for you, chief?
I'm looking for a tree.
Well, you came to the right place.
Big fire sale on all remaining inventory.
Mr. Tully.
Mr. Tully?
Mr. Tully.
Uh, Angus Tully!
(radio playing indistinctly)
(Paul sighs)
- Good morning. - Merry Christmas.
Yeah. Merry Christmas, of course.
How are you?
Well, I've got a case of the cocktail flu.
- Yeah. Have you seen the boy? - Mm-mm.
Goddammit, where the hell can he be?
Angus!
Mr. Tully?
(piano playing)
(panting)
- (door bangs shut) - (playing stops)
- Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas.
Where the hell have you been?
I don't know. Just here.
Come on. I have something to show you.
♪ ♪
No ornaments?
Oh, I'm sure we can round up some ornaments somewhere.
Uh, now...
this is for you.
Meditations by Marcus Aurelius.
For my money, it's like the Bible, the Koran
and the Bhagavad Gita all rolled up into one.
And the best part is not one mention of God.
- Hmm. - ANGUS: Okay.
Thanks.
And Mary.
This is for you.
Hmm.
So you just get this for everybody?
And...
- Mm-hmm. - (Paul chuckling)
- Now, how'd you guess? - How indeed?
(chuckles)
Oh, and...
this came in the mail for you.
♪ ♪
(Paul sighs)
Thank you, Mary.
That was just lovely.
Oh.
Is that an actual compliment?
- Oh, come on. - (Mary laughs)
You know, I don't think I've ever had
a real family Christmas like this before.
Christmas dinner, I mean family-style.
Out of the oven and all the trimmings.
My mom always just orders in from Delmonico's.
(Angus and Paul chuckle)
MARY: Well, she's got the right idea.
Next year I'm ordering in from Delmonico's.
Anyway, thank you, Mary.
You're welcome.
PAUL: I'd like to propose a toast.
To my two unlikely companions on this snowy island
and to our absent friends and family.
And I realize that none of us is here because he wants to be.
So if there's any way that I could make the holidays
a little cheerier for either one of you,
just say the word.
Okay.
I want to go to Boston.
Boston? Why?
Why not?
I want a real Christmas. I want to go ice-skating.
I want to see a real Christmas tree
with real ornaments, not that stupid thing.
- You said it was nice. - MARY: It is nice.
ANGUS: Come on, let's get out of here.
I want a real holiday.
We're not going to Boston. It's out of the question.
MARY: You told the boy "anything,"
so take the kid to Boston.
Mary, we're not allowed to leave campus
or the immediate environs.
(sighs)
(sighs heavily)
I suppose we could call it a field trip.
Uh, field trips would fall under the ambit
of additional academic pursuits.
There's even a fund set aside
for additional academic pursuits.
Mm-hmm.
I'll go pack. (laughs)
I'm gonna need you to take me to Roxbury.
Mm-hmm. All right.
♪ ♪
- ♪ ♪ - (no dialogue)
♪ ♪
- MARY (sighs): Here we are. - PAUL: Hmm.
Boy, that's an awful lot of stairs.
- Probably icy too. - Mm.
Mr. Tully.
Right. Um...
Mary, can I help you with your bags?
MARY: Yes, please.
- PAUL: Hmm. - (trunk closes)
MARY: Mm.
Hey, be careful with the box.
Yeah.
You know, you're more than welcome to a room at the hotel.
We've got the money.
Are you out of your mind?
I need a break from you two and all your damn bickering.
Besides, I'm looking forward to visiting my little sister.
She's pregnant.
Oh, that's wonderful.
- Yeah. - Oh.
- Mr. Hunham. Mr. Hunham. - Oh, I'm sorry.
My hands sweat.
It's hyperhidrosis. Sorry.
- Oh. - ANGUS: Hey, Mary!
One more flight up.
Yep.
So, you two are going to be all right?
Yes, the little monster will be well under control.
- PEGGY: Mary! - Oh.
Hi!
- Bye. - Bye.
Bye, Mary.
Uh-uh. Where are you going?
- I was... - You're not done yet.
You have to help me up there.
- Yeah, sure thing. - Come on.
(kids chattering playfully outside)
(opens drawer)
♪ ♪
(chuckles softly)
(Mary sighs softly)
(laughter, indistinct chatter)
(indistinct chatter continues)
♪ ♪
(siren wailing in distance)
Hmm.
Hey there, handsome. You got a cigarette?
Nope. Sorry, I smoke a pipe.
How about a date, then? You want a date?
(chuckles)
No, thank you.
- Oh, come on. - Mm-mm-mm.
Let's go somewhere warm.
Go ahead.
- I can wait here. - WOMAN: See?
He can wait here, read some books.
He doesn't mind if daddy gets a little candy cane.
Thank you, but I never really liked candy canes.
Plus, I'm prediabetic.
You know, if you do want a little candy cane,
I won't tell anyone.
Mr. Tully, for most people, sex is 99% friction
and one percent goodwill.
Call me old-fashioned,
but I place value on physical intimacy.
So should you.
You've never had sex, have you?
(laughs)
Believe it or not, Mr. Tully, there was a time
when the fire in my loins burned white hot.
You're full of shit.
No, the details would curl your toes.
Okay, we're finally getting to the good stuff.
Let's hear.
Maybe when you're eighteen.
Curl your toes!
♪ ♪
ANGUS: Are we almost done?
PAUL: What's your hurry? I thought you liked antiquity.
(chuckles) In class, maybe,
but I never think about it unless I need to.
Ah. Ah, well, here.
What do you see?
I don't know. A bunch of pottery.
Mm. Look at that one.
- Candy cane. - (laughs): Yes.
There's nothing new in human experience, Mr. Tully.
Each generation thinks it invented debauchery
or suffering or rebellion,
but man's every impulse and appetite
from the disgusting to the sublime
is on display right here all around you.
So, before you dismiss something
as boring or irrelevant, remember,
if you truly want to understand the present or yourself,
you must begin in the past.
You see, history is not simply the study of the past.
It is an explanation of the present.
See, when you say it that way and throw in some pornography,
it's a lot easier to understand.
(chuckles): Okay.
You should try doing more of that in class and less yelling.
You know, most of the kids dislike you.
Pretty much hate you.
Teachers too.
You know that, right?
("The Wind" by Cat Stevens playing)
(chuckles softly)
♪ I listen to the wind, to the wind of my soul ♪
♪ Where I'll end up, well, I think only God really knows ♪
♪ I've sat upon the setting sun ♪
♪ But never, never, never, never ♪
♪ I never wanted water once ♪
♪ No, never, never, never ♪
♪ I never wanted water once ♪
♪ No, never, never, never. ♪
(quiet, indistinct chatter)
MAN: Paul Hunham! Is that you?
It's Hugh.
Hugh Cavanaugh.
Ah, yes. Of course.
Wow. Hugh Cavanaugh.
Wow.
Oh, how are you, Hugh?
Oh, God, what's it been, 30 years? Um...
Um, this-this is, uh... this is my wife Karen.
Honey, this is Paul Hunham.
- We went to Harvard together. - Hi, Paul.
Yes, we did. Yes, we did.
Uh, wow.
Uh, what have you been up to, Hugh?
- Uh, still in the area? - HUGH: Oh, yes. Yes.
I-I'm still in Boston. Cambridge.
- Harvard. - Well...
He just got tenure. Statistics.
- Oh, Karen. - He won't blow his own horn.
- I have to blow it for him. - Okay. Well, uh,
what about you, Paul?
Oh, still teaching. We have that in common.
Uh, history, ancient history.
- That's great. - PAUL: Yes.
That's great. Where?
Oh, um, abroad, mostly.
On fellowships, privately funded fellowships.
Universities and private academies.
Mostly fellowships, you know.
I'm currently posted in, um, Antwerp.
Uh, just back here for the holidays.
Ah. So, uh, is this your son?
- Well, um... - I'm his nephew, Leonard.
KAREN: Nice to meet you, Leonard.
And he's writing a book right now.
Um, tell him about your book, Uncle Paul.
(chuckles): My book.
It's not a book, really.
Uh, more of a monograph.
- It's nothing special. - Don't be so modest.
It's about, uh, cameras, right? Ancient cameras?
- Oh. - PAUL: Yes.
No, what he means, of course, is the camera obscura.
You know, the optical and astronomical tool
that dates back to the time of, um, Anaxagoras.
Tell him the title, Uncle Paul.
He's not interested, Leonard.
Sure, I am.
(sighs)
Light and Magic in the Ancient World.
Okay, well, um...
Paul, I'm just so glad you landed on your feet.
You look swell.
You too. So swell.
And, uh, we'll keep an eye out for your book.
- Won't we, honey? - Yeah.
- Merry Christmas, Paul. - Merry Christmas.
- Bye, Leonard. - Merry Christmas.
What the fuck just happened?
I thought Barton men don't lie.
Don't get me wrong, that was fun,
but you just lied through your teeth.
What I say during a private conversation
is none of your goddamn business.
You are not to judge me.
It wasn't a private conversation.
- The wife and I were there. - (groans)
- And I helped you. - (Paul laughs)
Why did he ask if you landed on your feet?
What is this, Nuremberg?
- Jesus. - You're the hard-ass
constantly telling everybody not to lie
and going on and on about the honor code.
There was an incident when I was at Harvard
with my roommate.
And?
He accused me of copying from his senior thesis.
Plagiarizing.
Ah.
- Well, did you? - No, he stole from me.
But that blue-blooded prick's family
had allies on the faculty.
I mean, their last name is on a library, for Christ's sake.
So he accused me in order to sanitize his treachery
and, uh, they threw me out.
Wait, so you got kicked out of Harvard for cheating?
No, I got kicked out of Harvard for hitting him.
- (Paul chuckles) - You hit him?
What, like punched him out?
No, I hit him with a car. Ah.
You got kicked out of Harvard for hitting a guy with a car?
By accident.
Pint of Jim Beam, please.
But he broke three ribs, which was technically his fault
because he shouldn't have been in the road.
CASHIER: Two dollars, please.
- Also, he shat himself. - (cash register bell dings)
Which was the greater indignity.
(laughs)
Here you go, killer.
(cash register drawer closes)
ANGUS: So Mr. Hunham never even graduated college?
- PAUL: Mm. - Holy shit.
You didn't finish up somewhere else? Who else knows?
Well, Dr. Greene knew.
Only Dr. Greene.
He always believed in me, so he gave me a job.
Adjunct faculty, zero respect and even less pay.
So nobody batted an eye,
and I've been at the school ever since.
Are you ashamed at how things turned out?
Not at all. I'm proud of my work.
I love history. I love Barton.
Barton is my life.
I don't know what I would do without Barton.
Why'd you lie to that guy?
Because I knew he'd relish the fact that I'm a washout
and never left my own high school,
and he'd probably repeat that story
to everybody we used to know,
so I figured he's not entitled to my story.
I am.
Yeah. Yeah, fuck that guy.
Yeah, exactly. Fuck that guy.
"Statistics." (scoffs)
But, now, you'll keep this quiet, right?
No one is to know.
I mean no one, Angus.
Entre nous, sir.
Entre nous.
"Ancient cameras."
Where the hell did you come up with that?
Just trying to keep you on your toes, sir.
Get up, kid.
It's daylight in the swamp.
I ordered breakfast.
Great. (sighs)
Oh, you dropped something.
(Paul grunts)
Uh, those are my vitamins.
Librium.
Yeah, it's just, uh,
something I'm supposed to take for low energy.
You mean depression?
Is that rye toast?
How'd you know I like rye toast?
(sighs)
♪ ♪
(busy chatter)
All right. This way.
♪ ♪
(pins clatter)
(chuckles)
Let go lightly.
- Ah. - You're too rigid.
(pins clatter)
- See? - (Paul laughs)
- You're welcome. - Not bad.
You're a pretty good teacher, kid.
Too bad everybody dislikes you.
Pretty much hates you.
But you must know that, right?
Touché, sir. Touché.
- By the way... - Yeah?
...what eye do you aim with, anyway?
Ah.
You know, I've been meaning to ask.
When we're talking, which one should I look at?
Sometimes I look at one,
but then I think I'm wrong, so I look at the other.
Yes, everybody does that.
So, which eye is it?
(chuckles)
(lively chatter)
(scoffs) People don't understand.
This isn't tenpin.
No, this is much harder.
All these tenpin assholes
coming in here like they're slumming it.
- The hell with them. - (grunts)
Yeah. Fuck 'em.
Excuse me.
Here's something I bet you didn't know.
Your uniform, festive as it is, is historically inaccurate.
Saint Nicholas of Myra was actually
a fourth-century Greek Bishop from what is now Turkey.
So, uh, a robe and sandals would be closer to the mark.
Yeah, but I guess that would be impractical given the weather
and all the silly but lucrative mythology about Santa
and elves and reindeer and chimneys and whatnot.
(chuckles) What can you do?
As Democritus said,
"O kósmos alloíosis, o víos ypólipsis."
"World is decay. Life is perception."
My son.
To see you again causes my heart to soar like a hawk.
Grandfather, I brought you this present.
Is this the hat I used to own?
- (Paul chuckles) - Except grown softer...
You know, this is not only amusing,
uh, but for a movie, it's a fairly accurate depiction
of life among the Cheyenne.
- Shh! - Fuck off.
(in movie): I saw you in a dream.
- I'm gonna go use the bathroom. - Mm-hmm.
(in movie): You were drinking from a spring
that came from the long nose of an animal.
I did not recognize the animal.
Alongside his nose, he grew two horns.
(movie continues playing indistinctly)
(in movie): ...and smoked on this matter,
and my decision is...
Little Big Man has returned.
(cheering, whooping in movie)
(quiet chatter)
PAUL: Hey! Hey!
No. Out.
Get out.
I just need to do something. I was going to come back.
Or meet you at the hotel.
It won't take long. It's nothing bad.
Just get out, you conniving little shit.
(sighs)
Were you planning this the whole time?
Just counting the minutes until I turned my back?
I wasn't running away.
There's just something I need to do
before we go back to school.
Please.
You could come with me.
Just come with me, okay?
Come with you where?
To see my dad.
Your dad?
(sighs)
That's what this is about?
Why didn't you just ask me?
Because, of course, we can visit a cemetery.
♪ ♪
Excuse me. Hi.
I'm here to see Thomas Tully.
♪ ♪
Right in here.
ORDERLY: Over here.
Look who's here to see you.
Hi, Dad.
Hello, sweetheart.
You want to go sit down for a little?
Oh. Come on.
Be seated right here.
There you go. All right.
I missed you.
I've missed you a lot.
A whole lot.
You know, I'm still at school.
At Barton.
And it's, uh... it's Christmastime now,
so I thought you might like a visit.
Guess what. I'm...
I'm actually keeping my grades up.
I-I consistently get
the highest grades in the class in ancient civ.
I'm... I'm pretty much third or fourth in precalc.
And I'm in the chess club too.
But I don't really like the other kids.
(chuckles softly)
And in the spring, I think I want to try tennis.
Just JV, and probably only doubles,
if the coach could just forget about my, uh...
Anyway, it's not important.
Listen.
I, uh... I have to tell you something.
I think they're putting something in my food.
♪ ♪
He used to be fine.
He was better than fine.
He was great.
He was my dad.
Then about four years ago, he...
started acting strange.
Erratic, forgetful, saying all this weird shit.
My mom took him to a bunch of doctors,
and they put him on medication.
But that just made it worse.
He got more confused.
Then he got angry.
And then he got...
physical.
That was it. That was the last straw.
They put him away.
And she divorced him...
without him even realizing it.
That's why she wants a whole new life.
And it's easy to just stash me away in boarding school.
Like half of us are just stashed away there.
And I get it.
She never has to look at me.
Because maybe when she looks at me, she...
- she sees him. - No, no, no, no, no.
That can't be true. She... You're her son.
Maybe she's right.
I can't keep it together.
I lie. I steal.
I piss people off.
I don't have any friends, real friends.
I'll probably get kicked out of Barton too.
And when I do, it'll be my own fault.
Get sent to Fork Union and maybe to you-know-where.
And nobody will care.
The funny thing is...
I wanted to see him so bad this whole time.
But I also didn't, you know?
Because I'm afraid
that's what's going to happen to me one day.
No, Angus, Angus.
Angus, listen.
You're not your father.
How do you know?
Because no one is his own father.
I'm not my dad.
No matter how hard he tried to beat that idea into me.
I find the world a bitter and complicated place,
and it seems to feel the same way about me.
I think you and I have this in common.
But don't get me wrong, you have your challenges.
You're erratic and belligerent
and a gigantic pain in the balls,
but you're not your father.
You're your own man.
Man, no. You're just a kid.
You're just beginning.
And you're smart.
You've got time to turn things around.
Yes, I know the Greeks had the idea
that, uh, the steps you take to avoid your fate
are the very steps that lead you to it,
but that's just a literary conceit.
In real life, your history
does not have to dictate your destiny...
Oh. There's Mary.
Can you not tell Mary or anybody? Uh...
Entre nous. This whole goddamned trip is entre nous.
- Stand up. - What?
Stand up for the lady, you boor.
You cretin.
- ANGUS: Mary. - PAUL: Well, hello.
Hi. Sorry I'm late.
PAUL: Oh, we're just happy to see you.
- (Mary chuckles) - (Paul grunts)
Madame, the menu.
MARY: Oh. Thank you.
Hello, ma'am. Would you like a cocktail to start?
Oh, no, I'll just take a cup of tea.
Oh, come on. Have a cocktail.
No, no, no. A cup of tea is fine.
I've eaten already.
And you gentlemen, did you save room for dessert?
- PAUL: Hmm. - Hey, what's that?
WAITRESS: That's our signature dessert.
- Cherries jubilee. - PAUL: Mmm.
- That sounds great. - (Paul chuckles)
Bring the young vandal here cherries jubilee.
I'm afraid I can't.
The dish contains brandy.
Same deal with the bananas Foster.
Yeah, but doesn't the alcohol just burn off? -PAUL: Mm.
WAITRESS: It's still against the rules, ma'am.
- Fine. - Oh.
I'll order the cherries jubilee. We can share it.
Mm. I can't allow that, either.
Can we say it's his birthday?
It's my birthday.
Well, happy birthday, young man.
Let's get you a slice of cake
or some other age-appropriate dessert.
Christ on a crutch.
What kind of a fascist hash foundry are you running here?
Uh, excuse me, ma'am. Do you, by chance, have cherries?
Yes.
Great. And do you have ice cream?
- Yes. - MARY: Fantastic.
Can we please get cherries and ice cream to go?
And the check.
Right away.
- Bitch. - Mm.
PAUL: And a little James Beam.
All right. Go ahead.
Ooh. (laughs)
Presto. Cherries jubilee.
(laughter)
Ooh.
- Shouldn't it just go out? - Okay.
- (laughs) - Oh, shit. Shit.
How much alcohol did you put on there? -Oh!
It's hot. It's very hot.
- Oh! - (Mary squeals)
(laughter)
♪ ♪
HOST (on TV): But now just listen to them.
They see the ball and...
MARY: Man, I sure do wish we had some noisemakers.
PAUL: Mm-hmm.
I've got a noisemaker.
Where the hell did you get that?
I don't know. Found it.
Well, you're not deploying that in here.
You know, you weren't this uptight in Boston.
- MARY: Oh. - (Paul chuckles)
Danny, where do you stand on indoor fireworks?
About as far away as I can.
- That's very wise. - HOST: Ten, nine...
Oh, we're gonna miss it. Come on.
- Up on your feet. - ...eight, seven...
Up on your feet. Up on your feet.
- ...six, five, four... - Five, four...
PAUL, ANGUS and HOST: Three, two, one.
- Happy New Year! - Happy New Year!
PAUL: Yes.
♪ Should old acquaintance be forgot... ♪
(Paul clears throat)
(quiet muttering)
Congratulations, Mr. Tully.
- Congratulations, Danny. - Thank you.
Mary, congratulations.
Now, as I say, we're not deploying this in here.
No. We're going to light this sucker off in the kitchen.
- What? - What?
- (Angus chuckles) - All right. Come.
- Come, come, come. - Come on, man.
- For real? - This is coming with me.
♪ For auld lang syne ♪
♪ My dear ♪
♪ For auld lang syne. ♪
(explosion booms)
♪ ♪
(song ends)
("In Memory of Elizabeth Reed" by Allman Brothers Band plays)
(indistinct chatter)
(laughter)
There's too much paprika.
Why'd you put in all that paprika?
Follow the recipe.
Now you have to add in another cup of water.
What's wrong with you?
Come on, ladies!
(indistinct chatter)
STUDENT: Hey, Kountze.
Does... does it hurt?
Fuck yeah, it hurts.
Glare off the slopes, man, burned me to a crisp.
(Angus laughs)
You think that's funny, Tully?
No, man.
Just glad you had a good vacation.
Welcome back, you snarling Visigoths.
I trust you all enjoyed a refreshing holiday.
- Oh, hello, Mr. Kountze. - (song fades)
Or should I say Icarus?
Fly a little too close to the sun, did we?
Huh?
Yeah.
Uh, all right.
Now, along with your skiing and swimming,
I hope you found time to enlighten yourselves
about the Peloponnesian War and its implications for today.
Just to check, we're going to start with a short pop quiz
- on the reading... - (students groaning)
...before we retake the final from last semester.
Omnia ex scrineis praeter stilum.
(students groaning, murmuring)
♪ ♪
Excuse me, Mr. Hunham?
Oh, Miss Crane.
Lydia. Uh, come in. Happy New Year.
Oh, same to you. Happy New Year.
Forgive me. I'm a clod.
I never called to thank you for inviting
the boy and me to your party.
And Mary.
It meant a lot.
Oh, you're so welcome.
It was fun.
Um, Dr. Woodrup is asking to see you.
He says it's urgent.
Oh.
(quiet chatter)
(knocking)
DR. WOODRUP: Mr. Hunham, meet Judy and Stanley Clotfelter.
Angus Tully's mother and father.
- Stepfather. - Hello.
Good morning.
They've brought something very important to my attention.
STANLEY: We understand you took Angus
to Boston over the holidays.
I explained to Mr. Clotfelter
that you went on a field trip for academic reasons.
That's right.
A field trip?
Yes. Uh, as per my instructions in the manual,
it fell within the ambit of my responsibility.
Well, if it was a school trip, then how do you explain this?
The people at the sanitarium
confiscated it from my ex-husband.
Apparently, Angus had given it to him.
My mom and Stanley are here.
Lydia told me.
I think I'm going to get kicked out.
That means military school.
JUDY: Angus knows he's not supposed to visit his father.
He suffers from debilitating mental illness.
Paranoid schizophrenia, early-onset dementia.
And Angus's visit created an expectation.
Now Tom wants to come home, which is...
clearly impossible.
They tried to tell him, and he just...
He got violent. He tried to brain one of the orderlies
with this goddamned thing.
You people know the boy has a discipline problem.
Paul, the Clotfelters want to withdraw Angus from Barton
and enroll him at Fork Union Military Academy.
STANLEY: Set him straight once and for all.
He could do a lot worse than a career in the military.
Stanley.
Look, Angus has defied me lots of times
about a lot of things, including this.
So, however he manipulated your sympathies
or slipped the leash, just tell us.
It was my idea.
♪ ♪
No, uh, uh, he didn't, uh, trick me or slip the leash.
No, I took him to see his father.
In fact, I convinced him to do so.
This is a family matter,
and you had no right to interfere.
- I don't give a shit. - JUDY (gasping): What?
- DR. WOODRUP: Hunham. - I said I don't give a shit.
You two were unreachable.
He was all alone at Christmas.
I thought the kid should see his father.
Do you understand what you've done?
I have to move Tom now.
It was hard even finding a facility that would take him,
and now I have to move him.
And that is deeply unfortunate,
but why compound the misery by ruining the boy?
I have just spent two solid weeks with him.
He is a pain in the ass, sure, but he's also very smart.
Brilliant, I don't know, but very smart.
You must know that.
He's got enormous potential.
It would be devastating if you pulled him out now.
(door opens)
You did this to yourself, Hunham, not me.
- I want you to remember that. - Mm.
Hardy, I have known you since you were a boy,
so I think I have the requisite experience
and insight to aver that you are and always have been
penis cancer in human form.
(sighs)
It's this one.
This is the one you should look at.
Angus, step inside, please.
("Ombra mai fu" from Handel's opera Serse playing)
(knocking at door)
- Oh. - Hello.
Hello.
I missed you at breakfast.
I was, uh... I was busy.
So did you decide where you're going to go?
Yes and no.
Um, first, I'm going to stash my stuff
at a friend's in Syracuse, and then...
I don't know.
Maybe I'll start in Carthage. (chuckles)
I was hoping you were going to say that.
PAUL: Mm.
(Paul sighs)
For your monograph.
I don't know, Mary.
There's a lot of empty pages in here.
Yeah, well, that's your problem, man.
- (chuckles) - All you got to do
is write one word after another.
Can't be that hard, can it?
- Oh... - (laughs)
(chuckles)
What about you?
What about me what?
Oh, no, I'm not going anywhere. Mm-mm.
I'm not like you. I like having a job.
(Paul chuckling)
Plus, I'm saving up for college.
My sister's baby.
Ah. (chuckles)
What is the word from Penny?
- Peggy. - Peggy.
Only that if it's a boy...
...his middle name is going to be Curtis.
♪ ♪
(sighs)
(distant chatter)
(whistle blowing in distance)
TEDDY: I heard he got booted for eating feces.
What?
Apparently he got caught in the locker room.
Hand in the commode, burgling turds.
That's not what I heard.
What did you hear?
Doesn't matter.
Either way, he's history.
Fucker taught history, now is history.
Right, Tully?
(sniffs, sighs)
Hi.
Oh, hi.
Look, uh...
I don't know what you said to my mom and Stanley,
Woodrup, but...
all I know is I'm not getting kicked out
and, uh, you got fired.
Well, I just told the truth.
Mostly.
Barton man.
(school bell ringing)
Fifth period.
You know, it's, uh... it's only PE.
- (Paul chuckles) - Maybe I could skip.
We could head over to The Winning Ticket.
- (chuckling) - Grab a burger and a beer.
Ah. Miller High Life, no doubt.
You never give up, do you?
Well, they already fired you, so I figured
it was worth a shot.
Your logic is flawless, but, uh, no.
Keep your head up, all right?
♪ ♪
You can do this.
Yeah, I was gonna tell you the same thing.
See ya.
♪ ♪
(sighing)
("Crying, Laughing, Loving, Lying" by Labi Siffre playing)
♪ Crying ♪
♪ Crying never did nobody no good no how ♪
♪ That's why I ♪
♪ I don't cry ♪
♪ That's why I ♪
♪ I don't cry ♪
♪ Laughing ♪
♪ Laughing sometimes does somebody some good somehow ♪
♪ That's why I ♪
♪ I'm laughing now ♪
♪ That's why I ♪
♪ I'm laughing now ♪
♪ Loving ♪
♪ Loving never did me ♪
♪ No good no how ♪
♪ No how ♪
♪ That's why I ♪
♪ Can't love you now ♪
♪ That's why I ♪
♪ Can't love you now ♪
♪ Lying ♪
♪ Lying never did nobody no good no how ♪
♪ No how ♪
♪ So why am I ♪
♪ Lying now? ♪
♪ So why am I ♪
♪ Lying now? ♪
(song ends)
♪ ♪
(music ends)