♪ Honki ponki ♪
[♪ Senay: Honki Ponki]
♪ Honki ponki ♪
[machine] Virus free.
Virus free. Virus free.
[Harb] "Who can resist the call of passion?
Passion doesn't ask,
passion demands."
Slippery Hog?
♪ Honki ponki toni nok ♪
[machine] Virus free.
- [alarm blares] - Virus detected. Hold.
- ♪ Honki ponki toni nok... - Mmm.
[Harb] "Passion spreads like a rumor,
or a fire, or a rash.
[moaning]
[shrieking]
Of course, there are those who think
they can control their desires.
[moans]
But the harder they try to ignore passion,
the louder it knocks.
[chittering]
Next time the opportunity arises,
as it were, remember this:
Passion, enticing though it may be,
always comes at a price."
- [cheering, applause] - The perfect beginning
to a new Lust Chronicle. You've done it again.
Of course she has.
She's Harbarbagar R. Bagarbahar,
the best-selling romance novelist
in this galactic cluster.
The naughtiest nautilus novelist.
[laughs] I am naughty.
And I am here for my routine shell replacement.
[cheering, applause]
♪ ♪
[snoring]
[Plowp chirps]
[coos]
Uh, hi.
I thought you might enjoy a bite to eat.
[yawns]
- [creature shrieks] - Mmm, yum.
You're cute in the morning.
Thank you, but it is deep afternoon.
Ah.
I had a lovely time last night.
It's all so exciting.
I've never been in a relationship before.
- [gagging] - Oh.
I feel like you're suddenly flooded with horror,
like your life is in danger.
Uh, no. No danger. No relationship.
We're just hooking up.
Two people who don't know each other's middle names...
My middle name is... [cooing] B'kuku.
...who occasionally combine genitals. Cool?
If that is what you want,
then I respect that we remain uncommitted.
- Great. - It's likely just
my raging hormones causing me
to foresee a delightful courtship period
followed by a respectful life union
with dozens of fertilized eggs.
Ew.
I should have kept that to myself.
Okay, time to leave before I learn your first name.
I... got that for us to share.
Oh, because we share things now. Great.
[clucking]
[yowling]
Still tracking his yowls?
I think that one means he's hungry.
[hisses]
And that one means
he doesn't like when I talk about him.
[growls]
And that one I can't figure out.
[laughs]
That's how Plowp eats.
Sleech, you like Plowp.
[chuckles nervously]
No, I don't.
Yes, we had sex dozens of times last night,
but then he mentioned a life union and eggs.
Plowp does have the hips of an egg carrier.
I like wrapping my tail around them.
Oh, no, do I like him?
This is a good thing.
Just because I like when his feathers graze my underscales
doesn't mean I'm committed.
His cute mohawk
and his sharp beak...
- [gasps] - ...and long dry feet
don't mean I want to date him.
[shouts] Oh, no.
- Is it... - The Curse of the Orlosh.
[groans] The most mortifying sex disease.
Hello, you've just tested positive
for The Curse of the Orlosh, a virus spread
- through sexual contact. - Thank you, got it.
Whoops. Can't minimize me. Ooh.
Nice try, but I'm like a boomerang.
No getting rid of me.
Anywho, you contracted the virus from Matt,
and transmitted it to Plowp, who transmitted it back to you,
who transmitted it to Plowp,
- to you, to Plowp... - [gasps]
You don't need to say "Plowp" so loud.
- [grunts] - Adjusting volume to "loud."
You transmitted it to Plowp,
who transmitted it to you, who transmitted it to Plowp!
I've also slept with Matt,
who's publicly respected as hot.
[wails]
The Curse of the Orlosh transferred over to us
from the now-extinct
Orlosh species thousands of years ago.
Someone definitely slept with an Orlosh.
Anyway, be safe out there.
The Curse of the Orlosh spreads so well
because it increases pheromones,
which makes everyone want to get it on.
Take 10% off your next pleasure purchase
at UniYum's sex shop, UniGasm.
- [female] UniYum, baby. - [male whispering] UniGasm.
Is there anything worse
than turning into the last person you slept with?
- No. - [groans]
But, luckily, it's just a few weeks
before the symptoms clear up.
Excuse me? Did you feel lucky
during the outbreak in med school?
Oh, no. Wow, your little claws move fast.
You turned into Slug Girl
and couldn't get unstuck from a practice cadaver.
That corpse slept in our dorm room for two weeks.
I can still smell it.
Ugh. I look like a performer
at Blonskinverse Birthday Castle.
Oh, you do.
Birdsalot Snakeface.
[laughs]
Sleech, you're fine.
It's okay to like Plowp
and have his sexy feathers for a couple of weeks.
There's nothing we can do.
There's no cure.
I have to go.
I have a medical conference this afternoon.
About medicine, of course.
You are so lucky you never sleep with anyone.
I sleep with someone.
Who are you talking to?
I can't believe you never told me
we met in your past in my future.
I didn't want to accidentally stop you from meeting me.
It's an important memory for me.
[exclaims]
Oh, whoa. The Curse of the Orlosh, right?
Those are Dr. Jub's back horns.
Well, this has ruined my tailored lab coat.
And, uh, I probably gave it to you. Apologies.
Oh. Right. Duh.
It's just, um, I thought
you didn't sleep with Dr. Jub anymore
because her horns kept damaging your walls.
Not that I care.
Are you sure you're okay
with seeing each other casually?
I know we've tried it before and...
Totally good with casual.
I was, like, very sure
based on my own assumptions
that we were only sleeping with each other,
but I'm relieved that's not the case.
You'll let me know if this gets hard, right?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I will.
Prepare for detachment.
You got it, I'm chill.
I was talking to the robo-arms.
Oh, I forgot you were mid-surgery.
I guess you were working on two bodies at once.
Hardly, it's all automated.
They don't let us perform manual surgeries
on anyone with survival odds below 70%.
I have to run to lunch
with the head of the UniYum board.
Oh, good. Yeah, I was going to say
it'd be so weird if we went down to Little Glork's after this
and got a TonkoPop to share
while feeding the lake-sapiens and laughing. [chuckles]
Mm-hmm.
See you later, Dr. Klak.
[sighs]
Dinala wields a sword
like she wields her power.
Sexually.
They're coming out with an interactive version
where Dinala can make the reader bleed.
Would you consider yourself more of a Fernod or a Dinala?
Without question, I am a Dinala.
[laughs] Sure, you're a Dinala, then I'm a Dinala,
that guy's a Dinala.
Guess we're just handing out Dinalas here.
[laughter]
The truest mark of a Fernod
is their wish to be a Dinala.
[gasps]
Children's birthdays are downstairs
in Pediatrics, Mr. Snakeface.
Always nice to see you, Harb.
I'll be supervising your routine shell upgrade.
[gasps] You're part Plowp? Do you have...
The Curse of the Orlosh.
Private arousal made public affair.
What delicious chaos to become a past lover.
[laughs] You look so dumb with a beak.
At least people can... [clucks]
[laughter]
This is a nightmare.
Oh, good. The new shell.
[Harb] It's actually a very old shell.
It was my grandmother's.
She was also extremely sexual,
right to her last dying orgasm.
Oh!
A squatter.
Um...
I'm free!
Do you want me to go after him?
No. The shell brought out
the green in his thorax. Let him have it.
- We can order you another shell. - Not like that one.
With the deep sea embargo,
it's impossible to get a vintage shell legally.
People are dangerously... [clucks]
[laughter]
Oh, that's it.
I am getting my body back no matter the cost.
Now that's a Dinala.
That's it.
I'm getting a shell like grandma's no matter the cost.
If you need anything at all, Nurse Tup is available.
[overlapping indistinct chatter]
Well, this is an HR nightmare.
[overlapping indistinct chatter]
I'll have Gonto prep a seminar.
Mm-hmm. Is that all you're gonna have Gonto do?
[holo-tracer] That's right.
Pheromones are everywhere right now,
making everyone horny.
♪ Honki ponki ♪
♪ Honki ponki toni nok ♪
I need your help.
Look, I'm part you.
Your tail is giving me astonishing balance.
I want my body back.
You don't think it's romantic that we're sharing
the phenotypical expressions of each other's genetic code?
No, it basically makes us siblings.
Right.
[groans] Siblings.
It's been a few hundred years since I saw that faceplate.
You've got some nerve showing up here.
[grunting]
I see you finally stole yourself
a set of BigNSmall Ray Guns.
Big news, you're about to be small.
Read the small print.
You're about to be big.
[both laugh]
It's good to see an old friend, Vlam.
What stolen goods do you need?
An unoccupied vintage bioluminescent shell
from the Ergth Century.
Of course you want me to get around
an interplanetary embargo.
Ah, I miss us.
[Plowp] Gene editing people is illegal.
Which is why, technically,
I'm gene editing the virus.
We can program it to attack any foreign DNA.
It'll totally erase you.
Because it's an embarrassment for you to be seen as me.
You're finally getting it.
[grunts]
In your desperation and haste to erase me,
you've overlooked something.
This is going to attack
what it thinks is foreign DNA.
[grunting]
You've made you me.
Uh, okay, new plan.
We get an Orlosh from the Disease Containment Floor...
Dr. Sleech, I have tried to be understanding
because I feel your distress,
but I can't do it any longer.
Is it really so terrible that people know
we shared a beautiful, sensual melding of our genitals?
When you put it that way, yes.
I can't believe you'd put yourself in danger
just to hide me. Perhaps we do not
have the potential I thought we did.
What? Are you serious?
This isn't about you.
That's the problem. I need an egg-mate who...
I am not your egg-mate.
...considers my feelings.
Perhaps it's my hormonal fluctuations,
but I can never forgive you for being inconsiderate once.
I'm breaking up with you.
Uh, okay. You can't break up with me
because I refuse to admit we're in a relationship.
How convenient, because we no longer are.
Whoa!
Wow, it is impossible to balance without a tail.
[Krallistaire grunting]
Wow. Ha-ha!
3-6 splork over a grosk. Oh! [laughs]
What?
[groans]
For the UniYum grant this year,
I was thinking you and Nebula General
could submit something exciting.
Ha-ha!
Really? I have a working idea
for permanent interior nanobots.
Ha. No, I meant exciting for UniYum. Financially.
You should submit research for Tongue Enhancements
that allow our patients to taste
all the new flavors we created just for them.
Oh, can you taste the money?
I would really like to do something more meaningful
than lay taste buds into the mouths of the rich.
Why not rest on your laurels?
I'm on mine right now,
and they feel nice on my butt.
Ha!
[gasps]
Oh, Krallistaire...
[gurgles]
...you're leaking.
- [shouts] - It's me. Sleech.
[gasps, groans] I left you alone for one hour.
And I've asked you not to do that.
I need help with...
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Is life without a tail even worth living?
Ah, no, no, no, no, no. Whoa.
[sighs]
[Sleech gasps] Azel legs?
You said you were going to a medical conference
about medicine.
You lied to me.
I had to lie.
You can be kind of judgmental about...
I am judgmental. You're making
the same bad choice I've had to watch you make
a thousand times. I judge.
- [clucks] - But that's so unfair.
You like someone who's an actual good person
and likes you back,
and all you care about is yourself.
Like I haven't watched you make this choice a thousand times.
At least I'm not a masochist.
At least my bad choices only hurt me,
and not everyone around me.
[groans] Did you get meanness from Azel, too?
That's not how the disease works.
I know.
[nurse] I just don't know
if it's still considered exercise
if I'm using telekinesis to lift...
Okay, now I'll tie up this nice person just doing his job
because I love to boldly adventure
no matter the consequences.
[Zalorx] When the wealthy old crusties die,
the center keeps their shells
in case science can ever bring them back to life.
But those shells could help so many people.
Since when do you care about helping people?
I meant those shells could help us.
To get money.
To spend on our dangerous pirate lifestyle.
[both chuckle nonchalantly]
We need higher-level clearance.
♪ ♪
Oh, come on.
It was a pushy, not a pully.
Eh...
[chuckles]
That doesn't belong to you, gearhead.
[alarm blares]
[reporter] After the break, we know UniYum's toxic waste
is UniYuck,
but is it also causing UniMutations?
- [Plowp groans] - [reporter 2] Thirteen staffers
for the Tri Galactic Chancellor have all partially become her...
- You okay? - No.
I have strong feelings for Dr. Sleech,
but I don't suppose we're interested in the same thing.
I think she could get there.
But you see, I don't want her to have to get there.
I'm excited about her.
I want someone who's excited about me,
and not just my orifices.
Otherwise, I would always be pretending
not to be excited, not to care.
Yeah, that would be a sad place to get stuck.
Bummer.
Yeah.
[exclaims]
[Sleech] Come on, Klazel,
time's a-wastin'. [clucks]
[clears throat] I mean...
b'kaw.
[clears throat] B'kaw. [chuckles]
The Sleech in me is attracted to you.
Me, too, Matt.
Me, too.
[clucking]
Stay with me, Krall.
So much money left to spend in this life.
Don't let the machines do it. We cover up a lot of deaths.
[machine] Please stand back.
This is now an automated surgery.
Thank you, buy UniYum.
Oh! Can't use needles with his flesh.
No! [groans]
[alarm dings]
[machine] You are in direct breach
of UniYum protocol.
[sighs]
[machine] Switching to saw mode.
- [yelping] - No one does sharp like UniYum.
UniYum is here to help.
[gasps]
[groaning]
[shouts]
No!
[machine] Patient is stable.
UniYum says "You're welcome."
[chuckles]
Praise UniYum.
[grunts]
[shouting]
Oh, no!
Looking for this? [chuckles]
[shrimp resident] Look out there!
- [groaning] - I'm trapped.
Vlam, let's move.
[groans]
I can't let her die.
Get him!
Thank you.
Security! Security!
I ruined the mission.
I'm no longer a reckless pirate
who will slice the face off the Barnacle Beast.
I've changed, Zalorx.
I'm a doctor now.
Oh, thank the sea winds.
I don't adventure anymore.
I have 3,425 grandkids,
and now, all I care about is them.
All I care about is my patients.
I got caught up in trying to prove myself to someone,
and then to you,
but the only reason I came here today
was to help a patient,
and we didn't even get the shell.
- Didn't we? - [Vlam gasps]
You used the BigNSmall gun set.
Oh. [laughs]
So, who's the deserving,
scrappy urchin who's getting this shell?
A rich woman who writes sex books.
Tell me it's Harbarbagar.
Doctor-patient privilege forbids me,
so all I'll say is
her name rhymes with Mardargalar Gar Farnarzabar.
Amazing. [sighs]
Two old hell-raisers gone soft, huh?
I always knew you were a good person, at your core.
[Vlam] I knew you were, too.
As thrilled as I am to run
a serologic analysis on an extinct creature,
there's a reason it was in a four-layer titanium case.
Bringing an Orlosh back to life is a great idea.
I just need to isolate
the original virus, infuse it with my DNA,
and infect myself, effectively sleeping with myself.
The dream.
Sleech, this infection will be gone in two weeks.
Orloshes are extinct for a reason, okay?
Their bloodlust wiped them out.
I don't think we should mess with that.
Why is this suddenly so dire?
Because I might actually be into him, okay?
Sleech, you like him.
Sorry, sorry. So what's the problem?
Everything? That people will know?
That this makes it public and real?
That he's definitely going to mess it up
because I'm perfect?
Sleech, are you scared?
Klak, look at me. Will you help?
Against my best interests,
I always do.
Huh. [groaning]
Aah! What happens if an Orlosh infects you?
- Whoa! - Sleech!
- [gasps] - [growling]
Sorry, Sleech.
Wha... No!
[both growling]
If you bite me, I get worker's comp.
[groans]
Where are my teeth?
Aah! Where are my claws?
I defanged, declawed, and dewormed you.
You're now impotent little furballs,
which is, frankly, how I've always seen you.
[both growling]
I cannot control my new Orlosh instinct to kill.
I think we can both agree, hot raw flesh sounds delicious.
You should have told me about Azel.
Why? So you could bully me into not seeing them?
That's never stopped me before.
Do I bully you?
Come on, Sleech. You bully everyone.
[growling]
Do you think Matt's sad you turned into Plowp?
I hope not.
I barely even think about Matt.
Do you think I'm just a Matt to Azel?
I don't know. We're all a Matt to someone.
We don't know how long this will last.
Could be an hour. Could be a lifetime.
This has been a really fun day for me.
Nice try with this Orlosh stunt,
but you still have to finish your shift.
Roll safe.
Oh, you were right.
I am a Fernod.
And I'm happy to be one.
Good for you.
I'm still a Dinala. She's the fun one.
Would you like me to read to you?
I would.
"Despite having changed drastically,
Dinala realized that you never lose the old part of you,
you just embrace the new one.
And, with that revelation, Dinala and her accountant
began to make love under the fiery Golonkulan sky."
Whoops. Oh, wait.
Whoa, oh boy.
I do not know my own radius.
Thanks for coming.
My butt looks good on you.
And I see you've made some more poor choices.
Whew, great.
I'm sorry I hurt you.
I haven't been in something real
in a long time, and I freaked out.
I understand.
Calling you my future egg-mate was a bit intense.
So was breaking up with you because I felt bad.
I don't know what dating is, Dr. Sleech.
Maybe we can figure it out.
[Sleech laughs]
Whoa!
[panting]
[sighs]
[shouts]
[chuckles] I don't know why I thought
today was gonna be the day I get the fruit.
[phone chimes]
Hi.
Hi. Oh, today was exhilarating.
Krall had an unexpected membranous leak,
and I battled some UniYum property
and I kept remembering that time we got stuck
in that MRI machine and you hyperventilated...
What are you doing right now, Azel?
You said you wanted casual.
Calling me every day isn't casual, it's confusing.
Oh, right.
Do you want to get dinner and talk about it?
[sighs]
I'm not good at casual.
And neither are you.
I think we should stop this.
Of course.
Have a good night.
Dr. Azel.
I'm too busy for your praise.
I'm here on behalf of UniYum
to discuss your surgery today on... me.
Consider this a warning and a reminder to follow protocol
lest you find yourself ineligible
for the annual UniYum grant.
Thank you, buy UniYum.
Are you joking?
You begged me to save your life.
I don't recall that happening.
[whispers] They're always listening.
Stick to the TongueTaste 2000.
Don't worry about chasing down
some huge medical breakthrough.
As ever, praise UniYum.
[Harb] "We think passion is synonymous
with danger, destruction, fear.
But as we evolve,
we learn that all things enticing
need not be embraced.
We learn to recognize the land mines,
and either head right for them
or gingerly avoid them.
The point is, we get to choose
whether to take the destructive path...
- [both gasp] - ...or the nurturing one."
He's pregnant?
I guess those yowls meant he was in heat.
There's gonna be a second unkillable worm?
We're gonna need more Choco-Bones.
[Harb] "And sometimes, just sometimes,
in spite of knowing that a particular choice
leads to certain doom,
we make it anyway."
♪ Honki ponki ♪
♪ Honki ponki toni nok ♪
♪ Çalona bimbo bori rok ♪
♪ Musi musi hubobo kozi zok ♪
♪ Çiki çiki sayne tiki tak tok ♪
♪ Honki ponki toni nok ♪
♪ Çalona bimbo bori rok ♪
♪ Musi musi hubobo kozi zok ♪
♪ Çiki çiki sayne ♪♪
Chirp.