- ♪ YOU YOU ♪
♪ YOU ANIMAL ♪
♪ YOU YOU ♪
♪ YOU ANIMAL ♪
♪ YOU YOU ♪
♪ YOU ANIMAL ♪
♪ THERE'S NOWHERE LEFT TO RUN ♪
- HI. - HI.
- YOU'RE NOT IN THE MUSIC BUSINESS, ARE YOU?
- NO. WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
- BECAUSE YOU ACTUALLY SEEM LIKE YOU LIKE MUSIC.
- I'M IN REAL ESTATE. - REAL ESTATE?
- REAL...ESTATE.
- REALLY? - FOR REAL.
- FOR REALS? - YOU'RE FUNNY.
- WITH A "Z"? WITH A MOTHERFUCKING "Z"?
- ♪ THERE'S NOWHERE LEFT TO RUN ♪
♪ YOU YOU ♪
♪ YOU ANIMAL ♪
- OH, GOD.
FUCK.
OH, FUCK. OH, FUCK. OH, GOD.
THIS IS INTENSE.
WE COULD DO IT AS A WHISPER LISTING.
- [whispers] WHAT'S A WHISPER LISTING?
- IT'S A PRIVATE SALE, INVITE ONLY,
GETS THE BUYERS DESPERATE. - I LIKE THAT.
I LIKE DESPERATE. - [chuckles]
AND IF YOUR DAD'S HOUSE
IS IN THE HILLY PART OF THE PALISADES,
IT COULD BE WORTH A FORTUNE. - YEAH.
- 10 MILLION. - SUPER HILLY OUT THERE.
- 15 MILLION. - YEAH.
- SO HILLY. - JUST KEEP GOING UP.
[soft piano music]
- NO MORE SECRETS.
- YEAH, NO MORE SECRETS.
- THIS HOUSE... - YEAH.
- THIS SUMMER. - [sighs]
- OUR NEW LIFE. - MM-HMM.
- IT'S JUST YOU AND ME NOW. YOU KNOW THAT?
- [moans]
YEAH.
- THAT FEEL GOOD? - SO GOOD.
WHAT IF, LIKE, NOW THAT IT'S IN THE OPEN,
LIKE, WE LOSE OUR MOJO?
- YOU MEAN BECAUSE BARB KNOWS?
- OKAY, PLEASE LET'S NOT SAY HER NAME
WHILE YOU'RE FUCKING ME.
- ALL I'M THINKING ABOUT IS YOU.
YOU'RE MY BABY. - GET THE DICK.
GET THE DICK, GET THE DICK, GET THE DICK!
- OKAY, I'LL GET IT. IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT, BABY?
- THAT'S WHAT I WANT. - YEAH?
- WHAT'S HAPPENING?
- THERE WAS JUST A LITTLE TINY-- A LITTLE CARPET FUZZ.
- OKAY, OKAY. - I GOT IT.
- [moans] [phone rings]
- SHIT. - YES--WHAT? FUCK.
- BARB. - PLEASE DON'T GET THAT.
OH, MY GOD. - HONEY, I GOTTA.
THERE'S A--IT'S CO-PARENT CREDO.
I GOTTA GET IT. - FUCK.
- HEY, BARB. WAIT. WHAT'S GOING ON WITH BIANCA?
- WHO'S BIANCA? - FUCK.
- HE'S GONE. - HOW LONG HAS HE BEEN GONE FOR?
- COUPLE HOURS. - MOM?
- MMM, THESE GREEK YOGURTS WERE
MY LAST STOP BEFORE THE ENSURE TRAIN.
MM, GOD, WHAT HAPPENS TO US?
- MOM, WHY DON'T WE GO LOOK FOR HIM?
- YEAH, WE PROBABLY SHOULD
BECAUSE THE TEMPLE IS SENDING OVER A RABBI LATER
TO CHECK ON ME, AND IF THEY FIND OUT HE'S MISSING,
I'LL BE THE TALK OF THE TEMPLE,
THE LADY WHO MISPLACED HER HUSBAND.
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SEARCH WITHOUT ME BECAUSE I GOTTA RUN
TO MY DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT. - FINE.
- I'D CANCEL, BUT I HAD TO WAIT THREE MONTHS TO GET IN.
OH, AND TALK TO THE GUARD AT THE GATE.
HE ALWAYS BRINGS ED BACK WHEN HE FINDS HIM WANDERING.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN, THIS HAS HAPPENED BEFORE?
- CLOSE THE REFRIGERATOR. - OH, MY GOD.
- DO YOU HAVE ANY REACTION TO IT?
DOES IT MAKE YOU MOODY OR ANYTHING?
- NO, NO, NOT ANYMORE.
YOU WANNA HELP ME? COME ON.
- ARE YOU KIDDING ME? - YEAH, YOU'LL BE FINE.
HERE, TAKE THIS. - NOT MY GREATEST.
- YOU'LL BE FINE.
- OKAY. - HOLD THAT.
THERE'S A SWAB RIGHT THERE. - ALL RIGHT.
- AND HERE'S WHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO.
- ALL RIGHT. - RIGHT THERE, INTO THAT MUSCLE.
- OKAY, YOU READY? ONE, TWO--
- THREE.
- WOW.
YEAH? - THAT'S GREAT.
THANK YOU.
- WELL DONE. - MM-HMM.
- YOU TAKE A PILL WITH THAT?
- NO, NOT ANYMORE. I USED TO TAKE THESE.
THESE ARE THE PREMARIN.
- OH, PREMARIN. LET ME SEE.
- YEAH.
- SHOULD I TAKE ONE? - NOTHING'S GONNA HAPPEN TO YOU.
IT'S ESTROGEN, NOT HEROIN, GIRL.
YOU OKAY?
- OH, MY BREASTS ARE GETTING BIGGER.
- [laughs]
- QUINN WAS PREGNANT WITH BIANCA WHEN WE FELL IN LOVE,
SO I KIND OF THINK OF HER AS MY OWN.
- BUT YOU WERE WITH QUINN BEFORE BARB, SO--
- YEAH, IT'S A LITTLE-- IT'S ALL ONE BIG FAMILY.
- OKAY, SO, LIKE, WHEN WE BREAK UP,
BIANCA'S GONNA START CALLING ME?
- WE ARE NEVER, EVER GONNA BREAK UP.
- 'CAUSE I'M NOT JOINING YOUR LESBIAN UNDERGROUND RAILROAD.
- SHUT UP. BIANCA!
- WHAT'S UP, MAMA? - OH, BABY, BABY.
- HI. - HI.
- COME ON IN. THIS IS SARAH.
BIANCA. - SARAH.
HI. - HI.
- OH!
SO NICE TO MEET YOU.
YOU'RE SO PRETTY.
- SHE IS PRETTY. - WHERE'S THE POOL?
- STRAIGHT OUT THAT WAY.
- SHE'S ADORABLE. - TOLD YOU.
- HI, EXCUSE ME?
UM, COULD I ASK FOR YOUR HELP? - YES, MA'AM.
HEY, YOU'RE THE ONE WHO GOT THE, UH, GEESE ALL AROUSED.
- YEAH, NOT ON PURPOSE, BUT YES.
UM, MY MOM'S HUSBAND, ED, IS MISSING.
HE'S GOT GRAY HAIR, AND HE WEARS, LIKE, BIG, POOFY DOCKERS.
- YEAH, HE WANDERS OFF ALL THE TIME.
- OKAY, DO YOU KNOW WHERE HE GOES?
- HE'S GOT ALL KINDS OF USUAL PLACES.
I TELL YOU WHAT. [grunts]
GRAB A CART, AND I'LL SHOW YOU
WHERE HE USUALLY HANGS OUT, OKAY?
- JESUS, THIS IS AN APHASIA PATIENT'S WORST NIGHTMARE.
EVERYTHING LOOKS EXACTLY THE SAME.
HE MUST BE SO CONFUSED. - I GOTTA BE HONEST HERE.
THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE.
- YOU SAID HE WANDERED OFF ALL THE TIME.
- HE DOES, BUT HE WASN'T BY THE VENDING MACHINES
OR THAT BENCH BY THE POOL.
AND HE'S ALWAYS BY THE DUCKS, AND HE WASN'T BY THE DUCKS.
HE LOVES THOSE DUCKS.
OH, HERE COMES MY MAN TIFFANY.
- I GOT YOUR APB.
INDIVIDUAL IN QUESTION WAS LAST SPOTTED
AT THE 7-ELEVEN DOWN THE STREET
HANGING AROUND THE SODA MACHINES,
MAKING WHAT THE KIDS CALL A SUICIDE.
- SUICIDE?
- OH, YEAH, IT'S JUST A--
IT'S JUST A DRINK WITH, LIKE, A BUNCH OF FLAVORS IN IT.
YOU GOT COKE, UH, SPRITE, ORANGE,
DIET WITH THE VANILLA.
UM, MR. PIBB IF YOU'RE REAL LUCKY.
- AND WHERE IS THE 7-ELEVEN?
- IT'S DOWN AT THE MARINA. - THE MARINA?
THERE'S A LOT OF WATER DOWN AT THE MARINA.
ARE YOU SURE IT WAS ED?
ED PASKOWITZ THAT YOU SAW?
- AFRAID SO, MA'AM.
- ALL RIGHT. - OKAY.
- LET'S GO GET HIM. THANK YOU, TIFFANY.
- ALL RIGHT, GOOD LUCK. - MY MAN.
- GOOD LUCK.
- AND SO SHE TOLD ME IF I DIDN'T LIKE IT,
I COULD LEAVE, SO I DID.
- I KNOW YOU WANT TO BLAME SCIENTOLOGY,
BUT YOU AND I BOTH KNOW
QUINN'S ALWAYS BEEN A LITTLE BIT QUINN'S WAY OR THE HIGHWAY.
- OH, MY GOD. YOU KNOW WHAT WE COULD DO?
- WHAT? - SHE COULD BE OUR SUMMER GIRL.
- WHAT'S A SUMMER GIRL?
- OH, IT'S LIKE, UM--
IT'S LIKE A COOLER-THAN-AVERAGE BABYSITTER.
LIKE, YOU JUST TAKE 'EM TO THE MOVIES AND STUFF.
WE HAD ONE WHEN WE WERE YOUR AGE.
RITA.
DO YOU LIKE KIDS?
- UM, I DO
WHEN I DON'T FEEL LIKE THEY'RE JUDGING ME.
- [laughs] THIS COULD BE REALLY GOOD.
WE WOULDN'T HAVE TO SEND THE KIDS TO CAMP.
DID YOU ALREADY REGISTER AT TUMBLEWEED?
- UM, WELL, I WROTE THE CHECK.
I DON'T KNOW IF I MAILED IT YET. - OH, MY GOD.
THIS IS GONNA BE PERFECT. PERFECT, PERFECT, PERFECT.
PERFECT, PERFECT. PERFECT.
- THERE'S AN EXTRA PLAYGROUND OVER HERE
AND, UH, ALSO A LITTLE FENCE THAT LEADS TO A BUNCH
OF WILDERNESS UP THERE. - AMAZING.
AMAZING. - I MEAN, IT'S INCREDIBLE.
HI, KIDS. WHAT'S UP?
- HI, UNCLE JOSHY. - HI, UNCLE JOSHY.
- HI. - HI.
UH, WHO ARE YOU? - I'M THE SUMMER GIRL.
- SUMMER GIRL?
- MM-HMM. I'M HERE FOR, LIKE, A MINUTE.
A WEEK, SUMMER, WHATEVER.
- YOU'RE STAYING HERE? LIKE, SLEEPING HERE?
- YES. I'M TAMMY'S EX-STEPDAUGHTER.
- OH.
- WHO ARE YOU? [both laugh]
- I'M JOSH. THIS IS MY HOUSE. I LIVED HERE.
I GREW UP HERE, AT LEAST. THIS IS KRISTIN.
SHE'S FROM SOTHEBY'S. - HI, KRISTIN FROM SOTHEBY'S.
SO IF YOU'RE SARAH'S BROTHER... - YEAH.
- THAT MEANS YOU COULD BE MY UNCLE ONE DAY.
WOULDN'T THAT BE FUN?
- UM, I HAVE TO THINK ABOUT THAT.
- HEY, UNCLE.
- YOU WANT TO, UH, SHOW ME THE INTERIOR?
- SURE, OKAY.
- I'LL CATCH UP WITH YOU LATER.
- NAMASTE. all: HEY, GIRL, HEY.
- OH, I CAN'T HEAR YOU. NAMASTE.
all: HEY, GIRL, HEY! - OKAY.
EVERYONE TAKE A PLANK POSITION. GOOD, PLANK POSITION.
THAT'S RIGHT. GONNA HAVE SOME FUN NOW.
UH-OH. OKAY, NO INJURIES TODAY.
- I'M SORRY, I TOOK SOME MEDICATION THIS MORNING,
AND I'M FEELING KIND OF FLOATY.
- OKAY, NO PROBLEM. PUT YOUR HEAD DOWN.
WE'RE GONNA HANG OUT IN CHILD'S POSE FOR NOW.
HEAD DOWN, BOTTOM UP.
GOOD GIRL.
JUST CONTINUE TO PRACTICE AT HOME
AND BUILD ON THAT CORE STRENGTH.
THAT'S KEY.
- SINCE I'VE BEEN ON THAT PREMARIN,
I'VE HAD A TOTALLY DIFFERENT... REACTION IN MY BODY.
- IT'S MAGICAL STUFF.
- SHE TOOK HER FIRST PILL ABOUT TWO HOURS AGO.
YOU'RE HAVING A PLACEBO EFFECT, MAURA.
- WHAT'S THIS? - TAKE ONE.
- TRANS GOT TALENT COMING UP AGAIN.
- YES, WELL, YOU KNOW, WE MADE SO MUCH MONEY LAST YEAR
THAT WE WERE ABLE TO BUY A BRAND-NEW MR. COFFEE.
- WHAT IS TRANS GOT TALENT? THAT SOUNDS BEAUTIFUL.
- WELL, GIRL, IF YOU GOT TALENT, NOW'S THE TIME TO LET IT SHINE.
- TALENT DEFINED BROADLY, OF COURSE--
- I MIGHT HAVE SOME TALENT.
- [laughs] - YOU NEVER KNOW.
- MARVELOUS. ABSOLUTELY STUNNING.
- YEAH, NEEDS A LITTLE UPDATING, BUT PRETTY GREAT.
- WHAT? UPDATING? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
THIS IS A BUFF AND HENSMAN.
- OKAY, JOSH, YOU KNOW WHAT? WHY DON'T YOU--
WHY DON'T YOU EDUCATE ME, 'CAUSE CLEARLY--
- SHE'S A DESIGNER, OKAY?
SHE'S EXECUTED MILLION-DOLLAR PROPERTIES
IN ORLANDO AND VEGAS, JOSH.
- YEAH, WHOOP-DE-FUCKING-DO.
TOO BAD PRESERVATIONISTS ARE JIZZING THEMSELVES--
EXCUSE ME, KRISTIN--FOR A HOUSE EXACTLY IN THIS CONDITION.
- YEAH, FROM A VALUE STANDPOINT, I TEND TO AGREE.
- THANK YOU. - REALLY?
- YEAH, I'M FROM SOTHEBY'S. - OH, YOU KNOW WHAT?
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE-- I'M SORRY, KRISTIN?
INTO THE KITCHEN, HONEY, AND SHOW HER
SOME OF YOUR IDEAS? - SURE, COME ON. LET'S GO.
- HEY, TAM, UM, PROMISE ME YOU'RE NOT
GONNA TOUCH THE HOUSE WITHOUT TALKING TO ME FIRST.
- SURE, BRO. PROMISE.
- SHAKE ON IT?
[whispers] NOT YOUR BRO.
- DON'T CALL ME TAM.
- HEY, YOU'RE GONNA LET HER COME IN HERE
AND FUCKING WRECK THE PLACE?
- SHE'S GOT GREAT IDEAS.
WHAT, YOU'RE JUST GONNA BRING
YOUR LITTLE REAL ESTATE AGENT IN HERE
AND TRY TO SELL THE PLACE RIGHT OUT FROM UNDER US?
WE'RE STAYING HERE THIS SUMMER.
- HEY, SHE JUST HAPPENS TO BE A REAL ESTATE AGENT.
WE'RE IN A RELATIONSHIP.
- OH, I'M SO SORRY. I DIDN'T MEAN TO OFFEND YOU.
[phone chimes] YOU ACTUALLY FOUND, LIKE,
THE BIGGEST-TITTED REAL ESTATE AGENT
IN ALL OF LOS ANGELES-- THAT WAS VERY CONVENIENT.
- UH, BY THE WAY, THEY'RE REAL. [phone chimes]
- YOU BEEN GETTING THESE TEXTS FROM ALI?
- YEAH, I'VE BEEN IGNORING THEM ALL DAY.
WAIT. ED'S GONE?
- YEAH.
- I MEAN, HE LIVED A LONG LIFE, RIGHT?
- READ THE REST, ASSWIPE.
HE'S MISSING. - OH.
- SHE JUST, LIKE, WANTS TO SEE IF WE CAN HELP FIND HIM.
- OH, OH, OKAY. ALL RIGHT.
THAT'S FUCKED. - SO DO YOU HAVE PLANS?
- YEAH, I HAVE PLANS. I'M A GROWN MAN.
- [laughs]
COME ON, LET'S GO. - I AM NOT GOING TO--
- I AM NOT GOING TO THE MARINA TRIANGLE
BY MYSELF, OKAY?
YOU'RE COMING WITH ME.
- OKAY, EXACTLY WHAT TIME DID SHE LOSE HIM?
- I DON'T KNOW. SHE WON'T TELL ME.
I'M GETTING ALL MY INFO FROM THE GUARDS.
- THIS REMINDS ME OF WHEN OUR CAT RAN AWAY.
- PEPPER? - YEAH.
- OH, FUCK. THAT WAS HORRIBLE.
- AND THEN WE REALIZED
SHE JUST WENT TO GO LIVE WITH THE WEISSBURGS.
- [laughs] MAYBE ED'S JUST LIVING WITH SOMEBODY ELSE NOW.
- MOM WOULD LOVE THAT.
- YOU KNOW WHAT, I WANTED TO GO LIVE WITH THE WEISSBURGS THEN,
AND I STILL WANT TO GO LIVE WITH THE WEISSBURGS.
- JESUS. - YOU ALL RIGHT UP THERE?
- NO, I'M NOT ALL RIGHT, OKAY?
ED'S MISSING, HE CAN'T TALK,
HE DOESN'T KNOW WHERE HE IS,
AND NOBODY SEEMS TO GIVE A SHIT.
GO LOOK UP THERE.
- IS SHE OKAY? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?
- JESUS. - JUST ALI BEING ALI.
- IT IS MESSED UP THAT WE GREW UP IN CALIFORNIA
AND THEY NEVER ONCE TOOK US OUT ON A BOAT.
- IT'S 'CAUSE THEY WERE TERRIFIED OF EVERYTHING.
- YEAH, ARE JEWS, LIKE, MORE ANXIOUS THAN THE AVERAGE PERSON,
OR DO I JUST NOTICE IT 'CAUSE I KNOW MORE JEWS?
- WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TWO DOING UP THERE?
- WE'RE JUST-- WE'RE MAKING SURE
THAT ED'S NOT HIDING IN ONE OF THESE BOATS.
NOPE. NOT--NOT THIS ONE.
- HEY, IS THAT THE WAREHOUSE?
- YEAH.
- BLOODY MARYS? - [laughs]
I LOVE YOU. ALS?
- WHAT? - ALS?
WANNA GET SOME BLOODYS?
- YOU TWO ARE SOCIOPATHS.
YOU REALIZE THAT, RIGHT? - COME ON.
- HI. RAQUEL FEIN. - LOOK AT YOU--A LADY RABBI.
COME IN! - OH, THANK YOU.
- OH, YOU'RE FAR TOO ATTRACTIVE FOR A LADY RABBI.
- OH, THANK YOU.
SO I HEARD ABOUT ED'S HEALTH. I WANTED TO PAY A VISIT.
HOW IS HE?
- OH, LET ME GET YOU A VITAMINWATER.
THEY WERE ON SALE AT THE SUPERMARKET.
- NO, THANK YOU. - ARE YOU SURE?
IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE SOME KIND OF HEALTHY SODA.
YOU DON'T MIND IF I DO, DO YOU? - PLEASE.
WHO AM I TO STAND BETWEEN A CONGREGANT AND HER VITAMINS?
NO MATTER WHAT THE FLAVOR.
- OH. MMM, MMM, MMM.
- OH, WORTH IT? - OH, DELISH.
- OH, GOOD. SO...
- RAQUEL... - YES?
- ARE YOU MARRIED?
- I AM MARRIED TO MY JOB AT THE MOMENT.
- PROBABLY BETTER OFF,
ALTHOUGH MY JOSHY IS NOT MARRIED.
MAYBE YOU TWO COULD MEET. HE'S GORGEOUS.
ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS. HOW OLD ARE YOU?
- SO...DO YOU THINK THAT ED WOULD LIKE A LITTLE VISIT?
MAYBE I COULD READ TO HIM.
- ARE THOSE JEWISH BOOKS?
- YES, HOT OFF THE PRESSES 2,500 YEARS AGO.
- NO, HE WOULDN'T LIKE THOSE.
HE LIKES DEAN KOONTZ.
YOU GOT ANY DEAN KOONTZ?
- IS THIS OKAY? - YEAH, IT'S GREAT. THANK YOU.
- CAN WE GET TWO BLOODY MARYS RIGHT AWAY?
- SURE. - WHERE THE FUCK IS SHE?
- OOH, I'M GONNA ORDER A BAKED POTATO.
- YOU GUYS, THIS IS LITERALLY THE SADDEST PLACE
I'VE EVER BEEN.
- CAN YOU--COULD YOU JUST SIT DOWN AND ORDER SOME FOOD?
- NO, I DON'T WANNA JUST SIT DOWN.
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?
- ALI, WE'RE JUST GONNA GET SOME SUSTENANCE,
AND THEN WE'LL GO BACK OUT AND KEEP LOOKING FOR HIM.
- GOD.
THAT TANK FULL OF LOBSTERS JUST WAITING TO DIE--
THIS IS THE LAST PLACE
THEY'RE EVER GONNA SEE, THIS PLACE?
LOOK AT THIS PLACE. SOMEBODY DECORATED THIS.
THIS IS LITERALLY SOMEBODY'S BEST ATTEMPT.
THIS IS WHAT THEY'RE SPENDING
THEIR BLOOD, SWEAT, AND TEARS ON.
- IT'S ADORABLE.
- AND THAT LADY OVER THERE WITH HER CHICKEN PICCATA.
SHE'S SAVING HALF OF HER DINNER FOR LATER,
SO SHE CAN BRING IT HOME AND EAT IT
WITH THE BREAD AND THE LITTLE PATS OF BUTTER.
- WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?
- IN FRONT OF HER FUCKING DATELINE...
- WHAT IS THE PROBLEM? - WITH A FOLDING TABLE
AND HER FUZZY SLIPPERS. - OKAY, OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
OKAY. - NO, IT'S NOT ALL RIGHT.
AND THE DISGUSTING KOI POND OUT THERE
WITH THE LITTLE BLOATED FISH--
IT'S SO SAD.
AND YOUR DEAD BABY-- - WHAT?
- I'M SORRY. - WHAT? WHAT? WHAT DEAD BABY?
- MY EX-GIRLFRIEND HAD AN ABORTION.
- WHY DOESN'T ANYONE TELL ME ANYTHING?
- NO, I WAS GONNA TELL YOU. I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU.
- YOU KNOW THAT MOM AND DAD HAD ALL OF US
BEFORE THEY WERE MY AGE?
CAN YOU IMAGINE?
BEFORE THEY WERE MY AGE.
GOD, THEY MUST HAVE BEEN TERRIFIED.
SHE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH US.
AND DOCTORS IN THOSE DAYS WERE TELLING WOMEN
NOT TO BREAST-FEED. - SHH.
- WE WERE ALL JUST MISERABLE AND CRYING AND SICK
'CAUSE WE WERE JUST EATING THAT GROSS FORMULA.
SHE HAD THE TITS.
THEY WERE JUST SITTING THERE, BIG AND LEAKY,
BUT SHE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THEM
'CAUSE SHE WAS TOLD IT WAS WRONG TO USE THEM,
AND WHO'S SHE GONNA TALK TO?
- ALL RIGHT. WELL, I'M NOT HUNGRY ANYMORE.
- NOT DAD. JESUS CHRIST, NOT DAD.
OH, MY GOD.
- I'M WORRIED ABOUT YOU. - I HAVE TO TELL HIM.
- NO, ALI! - YES. IT'S CRAZY.
- TELL ME WHAT? - IT'S NOT OURS TO TELL.
- TELL ME WHAT? - [scoffs]
- YOU'RE SCARING THE SHIT OUT OF ME RIGHT NOW.
- I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH. - WHAT?
- DAD IS A WOMAN, THINKS HE'S A WOMAN,
WANTS TO BE A WOMAN,
SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
- HE'S TRANS.
- [laughs] - IT'S NOT FUNNY, JOSH.
- WAIT, YOU GUYS ARE SERIOUS.
- YEAH, WE'RE SERIOUS.
- HOW ARE WE DOING OVER HERE? CAN I GET YOU SOMETHING ELSE?
- YEAH.
- YEAH, CAN I GET ANOTHER BLOODY MARY?
- ME TOO. - ME THREE.
- THREE? OKAY.
- YOU LEFT THEM? - I LEFT THEM.
- HOW DO YOU MISPLACE--
- YOU LEFT YOUR BALLS IN THAILAND?
- I MISPLACED THEM IN BANGKOK.
- ISN'T THAT A SONG?
♪ I LEFT MY BALLS ♪
LISTEN, SPEAKING OF WHICH,
I AM SICK AND TIRED OF SINGING HAPPY TALK.
CAN I TELL YOU THAT?
- FROM SOUTH PACIFIC? - IT IS FROM SOUTH PACIFIC.
- I KNOW SOUTH PACIFIC. - DO YOU?
- I SAW--I SAW EZIO PINZA.
- I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, BUT HERE'S WHAT I'M GONNA SAY.
I HAVE WAY TOO MANY NEEDY QUEERS TO WRANGLE THAT NIGHT.
- WOULD I BE CONSIDERED A NEEDY QUEER
IF I ASKED TO BE IN IT? - YES.
- WITH YOU? - YES.
- WE'LL SING A DUET. WE'LL KILL.
- NO. - WE WILL--
- UH-UH. - COME ON.
- UH-UH. - PLEASE?
- DO A DUET WITH HER. - NO.
- COME ON. - ALL RIGHT.
I'LL THINK ABOUT IT--NO.
HEY, GIRL.
I THINK THAT GUY IN THE SUIT
IS REALLY CHECKING YOU OUT.
- NO, GIRL, THAT'S NOT MY TYPE. HE'S TOO SQUARE.
- YOU GET THAT ALL THE TIME, DON'T YOU,
'CAUSE YOU'RE SO PRETTY? - OH, THANKS.
WELL, I'M GLAD SOMEONE'S LOOKING
AFTER ALL THE WORK I PUT IN TO LOOK LIKE THIS.
- MM-HMM, MM-HMM.
- DID YOU DO HORMONES? IS THAT ALL RIGHT TO ASK?
- YEAH, YOU KNOW. THEY'RE THE FIRST STEP, REALLY.
YOU LEARN TO PUT UP WITH THE MOOD SWINGS
AND WHATNOT TO KEEP THE SKIN LOOKING RIGHT.
- YEAH. - RIGHT?
- MM-HMM. LIKE BUTTER.
YOUR SKIN'S LIKE BUTTER. - SHEA BUTTER.
- OH, NICE. - [laughs] SHEA BUTTER.
THE ONLY THING I HATED ABOUT TAKING THE HORMONES
WAS THE WEIGHT GAIN, THE WEIGHT GAIN,
AND THE WEIGHT GAIN.
OH, MY GOD, LIKE A TICK I BLEW UP.
GIRL, THAT GUY IS STILL STARING AT YOU.
SHEA, THE GUY AT THE BAR. HE'S STILL STARING AT YOU.
- OH, GOD, DON'T. PLEASE DON'T EGG HIM ON.
STOP, GIRL, LOOKING AT HIM. - OKAY, I'M SORRY.
- OH, SHIT.
- WHAT'S WRONG? - I KNOW HIM.
- BONJOUR, MADEMOISELLES. - BONJOUR.
YOU HAVE GOT FABULOUS EYES. THEY'RE LIKE LIZ TAYLOR'S.
- OH. OKAY, THANKS.
- WHAT'S YOUR NAME? - DAVINA.
OH, YOU MEANT HER.
- [chuckles] HELLO.
- HELLO.
- AND YOU ARE? - SHEA.
- HEY, SHEA. - NICE TO MEET YOU.
- HEY, GAR.
- JESUS CHRIST. MORTY?
- BEEN A LITTLE WHILE SINCE THE SQUASH COURTS, HUH?
- I GUESS SO.
UH, WH-WHAT'S ALL OF THIS?
- OH, UH, WELL, THIS IS, UH--
SOME PEOPLE CALL THIS A NECKLACE.
- [laughs] - UM, THIS IS A--
I GUESS YOU WOULD CALL IT A WRAP.
THESE ARE RINGS. - THAT'S FINGERNAIL POLISH, HUH?
- HOW'S HELEN? - HELEN?
- HELEN. - SHE GOT THE LAP BAND.
SHE'S GREAT. SHE'S MUCH HAPPIER.
- GOOD.
- JESUS CHRIST. HELP ME OUT HERE, MORTY.
[laughing] I'M DYING HERE.
I'M SORRY. - ALL RIGHT, GARY.
- I NEED A MINUTE TO WRAP MY HEAD AROUND THIS, UH...
- WELL, TAKE YOUR TIME.
OUR FAMILIES WENT TO MONTECITO TOGETHER.
- YEAH. YEAH, WE DID.
MONTECITO. THOSE WERE GOOD TIMES.
- THEY WERE.
- HMM. HMM.
NO HARD FEELINGS.
- NONE.
- UM...
YEAH, WELL...
- BYE, GAR. - BYE.
OH, MY GOD, JOSH, HOW MANY BLOODY MARYS DID YOU HAVE?
- SO WAIT, DOES THIS MEAN HE'S GAY?
- NO. HE STILL LIKES WOMEN.
- WELL, TECHNICALLY, THAT DOES MAKE HIM A LESBIAN.
- [laughs] - FUCK.
- LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, RAQUEL.
YOU'RE ACTUALLY-- YOU'RE NOT--
YOU'RE NOT GETTING ANY YOUNGER.
AND THEN YOU'RE GONNA BE AN OLD RABBI WITH NO CHILDREN.
I'M TELLING YOU, AND THEN YOU'RE GONNA HAVE ARTHRITIS LIKE ME.
- HEY, MOM. - OH, MY GOD, LOOK!
LOOK, THEY'RE ALL HERE.
ALL THREE OF YOU. - SO, MOM, IS HE BACK?
- NO. - WE WENT TO THE WAREHOUSE.
- [gasps] YOU WENT TO THE WAREHOUSE.
YOU DIDN'T TELL ME YOU WERE GOING TO THE WAREHOUSE.
YOU GOT ME SOMETHING. WHAT DID YOU GET ME?
- I'M NOT SAYING. - OH, MY KIDS LOVE ME.
MY DAUGHTER LOVES ME.
OH, GOD. KISS ME.
- YES, I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO REMEMBERED.
HEY. - HI.
- DO THESE PEOPLE GOT A WAY WITH A WEDGE.
- MOM, JOSH NEEDS TO LIE DOWN.
HE'S HAD WAY TOO MUCH TO DRINK.
- OH, PLEASE. I CAN HANDLE FOUR BLOODYS.
- SO, MOM, HOW WAS THAT DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT?
HUH? - JOSHY, THIS IS THE RABBI.
RABBI RAQUEL, THIS IS JOSH I WAS TELLING YOU ABOUT.
HE'S SINGLE AND GORGEOUS. - YEP, DID YOU HEAR THAT?
- I DID, MANY, MANY TIMES. - ISN'T HE GORGEOUS?
- THE WHOLE PACKAGE. - IS SHE--IS SHE ON BOARD?
ARE WE DOING THIS? HEY, WAIT.
DOES MOM KNOW ABOUT DAD?
- YOU KNOW WHAT, WHY DON'T WE LET THE RABBI GO, OKAY?
- NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
SHE'S GOTTA STAY BECAUSE WE NEED YOU, LIKE, BAD
BECAUSE SOMETHING HAPPENED AT LUNCH THAT CAME OUT, MOM,
THAT I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW ABOUT IT.
- KNOW WHAT?
- YOU GUYS, ED HAS BEEN MISSING ALL DAY.
- I'M SO SORRY. ED IS MISSING?
- YES. - WE NEED TO CALL SOMEBODY.
- ABOUT DAD-- - I THINK IF ED IS MISSING,
THEN SOMEONE SHOULD PROBABLY CALL THE POLICE.
- THANK YOU, YES. I'M GONNA CALL THE POLICE.
- WAIT, ON WHO?
- WE'RE NOT CALLING THE POLICE ON ANYBODY, SARAH.
ED IS MISSING. WE'RE CALLING TO SEE IF THEY FOUND HIM.
- OH, ALL RIGHT. - WHERE THE FUCK IS THE PHONE?
- ALL I'M TRYING TO SAY IS DAD IS A FUCKING TRANSVESTITE.
- THAT IS NOT THE WORD, OKAY?
HE'S TRANS. - [laughs] OH, THAT.
OF COURSE I KNOW THAT. YOU THINK I'M A DUMMY?
- OH, MY GOD. - YOU KNOW?
- WHERE THE FUCK IS THE PHONE? - YOU KNEW?
- IT'S HIS...THING. IT'S HIS LITTLE PRIVATE KINK.
EVERYONE HAS ONE.
THAT'S SOMETHING YOU CAN CONFIRM, RIGHT, RABBI?
EVERYONE HAS ONE.
- I SUPPOSE EVERYBODY HAS ONE OR TWO.
- THANK YOU! - NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
NO, NO, NO, HE'S DOING IT ALL THE TIME.
HE'S DOING IT IN PUBLIC.
- HI, YES, I'D LIKE TO REPORT A MISSING PERSON.
- SO HE'S OUT THERE DRESSING UP OUTSIDE, LIKE A WOMAN?
- YES. - OH.
- MOM, HOW OLD IS ED?
- 71. OH, WAIT, THAT'S NOT TRUE.
HE'S 70--74.
- THEY WENT TO THE BEVERLY CENTER WITH HIM LIKE THAT, MOM.
- EW, NO ONE GOES TO THE BEVERLY CENTER.
- DOES HE HAVE ANY DISTINGUISHING MARKS?
- ANY WHAT-- DISTINGUISHING MARKS?
THAT'S A STUPID QUESTION.
EVERYONE HAS DISTINGUISHING MARKS.
- IS THAT TRUE, RABBI?
- I SUPPOSE EVERYBODY HAS ONE OR TWO,
LIKE, YOU KNOW, FRECKLES OR BIRTHMARKS.
- WHAT ARE ED'S DISTINGUISHING MARKS, MOM?
- OH, MY GOD.
IT'S SO OBVIOUS NOW WHY DAD WASN'T AROUND.
IT'S BECAUSE HE WAS PLAYING LITTLE BO PEEP.
BUT WHAT ABOUT YOU, MOM? WHAT'S YOUR EXCUSE?
YOU GOT A LITTLE SECRET THAT YOU WERE DOING
WHILE YOU WERE PAYING RITA TO DISTRACT ME WITH HER TITS?
- WHY ARE YOU HUMILIATING ME LIKE THIS?
- JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP.
- I'M GONNA GIVE YOU SPACE AND PRIVACY.
- PLEASE STAY. - I'LL BE BACK.
- WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT,
WAIT, PLEASE, PLEASE.
I'M SORRY. WILL YOU PLEASE HELP US?
PLEASE. - WELL, I CAN...
I'LL TRY.
- THANK YOU.
[door closes]
- HE'S BACK.