My staying in Israel has nothing to do with you, okay?
It's, it's... This is about
something that's happening here, for me.
And I need to do something.
What else do you need to do? You went to the wall.
I'm not finished.
Please.
There have been moments here
where I have felt more like myself than I ever have.
And I need to feel more of that.
I'm gonna go back to the farm where my friends are
and I'll figure it out from there.
You do what you have to do.
-ALI: Thank you. -SHELLY: Well, I hope
you're not going to come back observing Ramadan.
-SARAH: Let us-- let's go. -MAURA: Oh, my God.
-No. -We'll just say our good-byes.
I love you.
Love you.
Don't stay forever.
Do not stay or I'll kill you.
BRYNA: Bye, Ali.
ALI: Bye.
-(grunts) -It's gonna be okay.
I love you.
I love you, too.
This has been the most incredible thing
I ever witnessed.
You think maybe we could keep in touch?
Call each other on holidays?
Yes, maybe.
Or we could, we could just catch up in another 70 years.
(laughs)
Thank you, kiddo.
-You'll be okay? -Yeah.
Are you gonna be okay?
Yeah.
Be careful.
I will.
Don't forget to shower, okay?
-Fuck you. -(chuckles)
-Love you. -I love you.
MAURA: All right, let's go.
Pfeffermans, come on, let's do this.
-SHELLY: Thank you. -LEN: Thank you so much.
MAURA: Come on, come on, come on.
-Let's go. -Bye, Ali.
♪ ♪
(knocking on door)
(gasps)
Hi.
-Hey. -Hi.
Oh, my God.
What happened here?
Sal threw all your stuff out on the curb?
Your stuff and my stuff.
Oh, my God.
Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.
God, are you all right?
-Well. -Oh, come here, come here.
-(sniffles) -Yeah.
-All right.
(Davina chuckles)
All right, um...
All right.
All right, we'll sort this out.
(sighs)
Goddamn.
(laughs softly)
Oh, my God.
Your fucking father's alive.
Oh, my God.
What was it like?
-How was it? -Uh...
(sniffles) He's, um...
I don't know.
It was fine, he's very nice.
I mean, I don't know him.
He sells air conditioners.
-(chuckles) -Anyway, everybody was nice.
You okay?
You look good for being dumped.
(laughing): Do I? Thank God.
All right, so we're gonna get all our stuff together.
-Okay. -(sniffles) And, um...
You'll live with me.
Okay?
All right. Let's go upstairs and pick out
-the smaller room for you. -(laughing): Okay.
-But wait a minute. -Let's go get-- what's his name?
Here's the problem. August is here
for the next seven days,
according to your Airbnb account.
-They're lovely pictures. -Yeah. Look at the listing.
(sniffles)
Oh, it says to c-contact the host.
You're the host.
Oh.
Well, there is no phone number for any human person.
Okay, okay. Um, I'm gonna call Josh.
He'll help us deal with this tenant.
-Okay. -(phone beeps)
Hi, Josh. Davina and I want to know
about our rights with A-bnb.
-"Airbnb." -Air.
Period.
Even if the upstairs tenant is an asshole.
Asshole. Period.
It would really be a good idea were you to come over.
Period.
Love. Period.
Hurry. Period.
Okay, let's deal with this tyrant.
-All right? -Okay.
-Okay? -Yeah.
Don't worry.
(chuckles)
(Josh sighs)
Hi there.
Hey. What's up?
-Bon appétit, eh? -Like, sugar, dairy.
-Stimulants. -It's all bad, dude.
-(sniffles) -(sighs)
Um...
How you feeling?
-Pretty good, yeah. -Good.
Um...
I've actually been thinking a lot about
something you said the first meeting I came to.
Okay.
Um, I don't know how--
what the protocol... (laughs)
-Man, I-I feel like I'm... -You're doing...
You're doing great, dude. You're doing great.
Okay.
I feel like I should be on one knee.
-(chuckles) -Uh, would you be my sponsor?
Yes.
Really?
-It's that easy. -Ah, it's, uh, Jesus.
-Okay. -Feel better?
-Yes. -(laughs)
Yes.
Are you gonna be committed to do the work?
Follow the steps, take it seriously.
Yeah, yeah.
-If you're down... -I'm down.
...I'm down, and I got your back, all right?
Okay.
Consider yourself sponsored.
(laughs softly)
("Masa L'yerushalim" by Hamdregot playing)
♪ ♪
(engine stops)
♪ ♪
No.
No, he's gone.
No.
There's no one in sight.
I think he's gone back to Bavaria, or wherever.
Yeah, to buy a gun so he can come back
and shoot my head off.
Oh, shush.
I don't think so.
(sighs)
It's pretty, isn't it?
-It is. -It's big.
(Maura sighs)
Listen, my stomach sounds like a fighter jet,
and I really... Can we get some food?
-Sure. -I'm starving.
-What do you want? -Anything.
-Let's... wait. -Hmm?
Wait.
I have someone who will be more than happy
to bring over anything I ask for.
-Really? -I mean anything.
Okay.
Why didn't we just get something while we were there?
Because it was totally too hot...
-It was hot. -...and I forgot.
It's not our fault, she's not gonna know the difference.
I think this is great. I mean,
everything in here looks like it's from Israel.
That's the whole point, right?
Yeah, but what are we gonna say?
Like, "Oh, hey, um,
"I got this for you because it made me
think of you as soon as I saw it"?
-That would work. -No.
-Honey, why are you stressing? -No.
It doesn't matter, we're just bringing her a gift
and saying our good-byes, and we're done,
and it's all gonna be fine.
-Yeah, but we have... -Just be gentle and kind.
But if we're too gentle, we're not gonna do it.
-Honey... -That's the thing, we have to be...
...I think I know how to break up with people.
You know what? You're not that good.
'Cause I'm back.
(laughing): Good point.
-These are the rules, okay? -Yeah.
-Don't sit down. -Don't sit down.
-Don't stay for a long time. -No.
And if she offers us weed,
-we say no. -No.
-No, thank you, weed. -No. Hell no.
-It's gonna be fine. -All right.
-Honey, honey, honey. -All right, all right.
We got this.
You're on board for this, right?
Absolutely.
(knock on door)
-Hello. -Hi.
Thank you. Oh, my God, I said two salads.
This is enough for a village.
I tend to over-order when I'm excited to see someone.
MAURA: Goodness.
Oh, I told you about Davina, right?
-Of course. -Sorry. (chuckles) -Oh.
-Pleasure. -Nice to meet you.
-MAURA: You hungry?
I'm starving.
Good, have a seat.
-MAURA: Yeah? -DAVINA: Uh-huh.
MAURA: Uh-huh.
-Mmm. -MAURA: Well, we have made
a frightening dent in this food.
-DAVINA: This is really good. -It is good.
This salad-- I used to hate ranch dressing
when I was little, and now I'm noticing I really love it.
-It's weird, isn't it? -Yeah.
Well, I used to have a phrase I'd say all the time--
life's a roller coaster.
Hmm.
I love that.
(door opens)
MAURA: Uh-oh.
-Okay. -Who's that?
MAURA: Hi. So you must be my
Internet tenant?
-AUGUST: Christ on a cracker. -You okay? -Yeah.
What are you people doing here?
Hi, I'm Maura. I'm your landlady, and, um...
-Hey, I'm Donald. -AUGUST: You people need
to get the hell out of here.
I'm sorry to say this, but, uh...
uh, circumstances have changed.
Un-fucking-believable.
Well, I will have you know that I will be writing
a particularly atrocious, scathing review
-to Airbnb, all right? -Okay.
AUGUST: I mean, from the very beginning,
you've been nothing but a pain in my ass.
MAURA: Wow.
Okay, um, I'm-I'm-I'm of course willing to reimburse you.
I've already paid $1,800,
-all right, for the upcoming week. -All right.
Okay, that's just, um...
Actually, that's an enormous sum of money.
But let me, um...
let me reimburse you and show you out.
It doesn't make any difference.
I will not be evacuated.
I cannot be evicted!
I have business here.
I don't have the time to go hunting
for another dwelling!
Your dwell-hunt is of no concern to me.
Get out. Let's go.
I'm entitled to what I motherfucking paid for!
-Hey, hey, rei... rein it in, fella. -MAURA: Oh, my God!
Oh, oh, you want me to rein it in?
Okay, I'm gonna rein it in right now, okay?
Passive resistance, all right?
Little conscientious subjectification.
-Oh, my God. -What?
-Oh, my God! -(August chuckles)
-DAVINA: What is he doing? -MAURA: He is...
He is, um... He has planked.
Oh, my God.
Okay.
LILA: You got something for me?
-Not a big deal. No big deal. -Oh.
Got some weight to it.
-This is absolutely... -Oh, my goodness.
...not a big deal.
-Wow. -Do you like it?
Yes. Oh, that's beautiful.
-So nice. -Yeah.
-Thank you. -'Cause of Israel.
Wow, where'd you get it?
-In Jerusalem. -In Tel Aviv.
-Or in Tel Aviv. -In Te-- Jerus...
-Yeah? -I mean, one of those shops.
I mixed it up. Anyway.
-Thank you. -Um, actually,
we wanted to talk to you about something.
Oh, goodie, yeah. Me, too.
(Sarah chuckles)
Wait, you want to talk to us?
-Yeah, I do. -Oh. Well, go.
-Yeah, you go. -You go first. -Okay.
Um, it's a little delicate.
Uh, just 'cause I care about you guys a lot.
But I kind of met a new partner while you guys were gone,
and I think I'm really falling for her.
Wow, that was so fast.
-That was a little fast, yeah. -Yeah,
but her and I have known each other for, like, years,
then she just tagged me in this Instagram, like,
inspiration quote.
You know, "Don't stay inside when it's raining," like,
"dance in the rain."
But, uh, we got drinks, you know, met up,
and it was kind of crazy, the spiritual connection
-we had. -Nice. -Yeah, that is nice.
-I hope you guys understand. Yeah? -Oh, we...
-Do not apologize. -We actually had the same...
-We were gonna say... -It's weird, it's like...
-All right. -Can I...? So to be clear, then,
-Mm-hmm. -about this.
Uh, then, from now on...
-Well... -We...
We can still work on Kids on Top.
-Good. -You know?
And, like, spend time together, it's just that...
yeah, Becca's now my primary partner.
Right, right, right. He's my primary, too.
-Exactly. -Yeah, yeah.
We know what that is.
Oh, you guys are the best.
-You guys are so cute. -All right, well,
-guess this is good-bye. -Yeah.
Thank you for understanding.
We're gonna miss you.
We'll get together.
We'll start writing soon.
Yeah, right?
-Hope so. -Yeah.
We had fun. Right?
It was so much fun.
This is the least awkward breakup.
Totally. I mean, we're great at breakups, right?
(inhales)
LEN: Goddamn it.
(laughter)
-DAVINA: Oh, my God. -DONALD: Well, what do we do now?
I don't know, I have no idea.
-I don't... -Oh, hi.
-MAURA: Come on, see this one. -Josh said you needed help.
-Oh, my God. -Go ahead, go ahead.
-What happened? -DAVINA: He's not hurt
or anything, he's just doing some kind of
-cis white male sit-in thing. -MAURA: It's sort of like
a privileged dis... civil disobedience.
-What's a cis male? -And who the hell are you?
-A-Are you this schlemiel's attorney? -MAURA: Oh, I'm sorry.
No, I'm sorry, this is-- my manners--
this is, uh, the... Donald.
-Donald. -Donald. Oh.
Donald.
Oh, w-- hello. Shelly.
-Shelly. Good to meet you. -JOSH: All right, I'm sorry.
I'm confused. I'm Josh Pfefferman.
Oh, Josh. Donald. I've heard a lot about you.
Fr... From who?
MAURA: Oh, from, uh, well--
it's actually "from whom?"--
but, uh, this is from me,
and, uh, Donald and I-- do you mind?
-No. Please. -Donald and I are...
we're dating.
Oh.
Oh. Okay.
I-Interesting.
-Okay. -You're okay?
That's-- no, it's very cool.
-Uh... -I'm not that interesting. -You are.
Well, but you're very good looking, Donald.
-Yeah, isn't he? -Yes, you are.
-You are. -Thank you.
So, back to this. What?
MAURA: Okay, here's the situation.
-This gentleman refuses to leave. -Sir, excuse me?
-Can I get your attention for a second? -I'm not going anywhere.
This is my rented sanctuary for seven days.
Mine.
-Hey, can I tell you something? -Hey.
-This is my house. -JOSH: All right.
This is my house.
I raised my kids here.
And I want you to leave.
-I refuse. -JOSH: Okay.
All right, you're asking for it, motherfucker.
-No, no, no, no, no. -Oh, no.
Joshy, don't, don't do that.
-No, no, no, Joshy, don't, no, no. -Here we go. -No.
That opens us up to a lawsuit. Please put it down.
-Okay, everybody back. -Put it down. -All right,
-this-this is fucking ridiculous! -No.
-SHELLY: No, no, no, everybody, stop. -Josh, Josh, Josh.
Just give, just give me a sec.
Get back, everybody, back up.
Hey.
(chuckles)
Hey, paisan.
My friend.
Hey, how we gonna respect you
if you don't respect yourself, huh?
You want to get dragged out of here?
I mean, of course not.
You want to leave on your own terms.
You want to stand up and leave in your own boots.
You're stronger than you think.
Locate your dignity.
There it is.
(August clears throat)
If you'll let me retrieve my luggage.
Go for it.
-(gasps) -Oh! Fuck me.
Hi.
-God. -Yeah.
(laughs)
What?
I-I can't believe you're in Israel.
Well, I am everywhere.
Well, n-no. No, no, no, don't do that.
You're not God.
I-I-I realize that now.
-Mm-hmm. -(sighs)
-I was insane. -Mm-hmm.
-And a little racist. -Mm-hmm.
Just a little racist.
-Sorry. -'Cause you made it about me
and it's not about me.
The Messiah consciousness is everyone.
You, me, everyone.
But you were right about God being a woman.
And her name is Asherah.
And she's being held right here in Israel.
What? Where?
In Jerusalem, under the Dome of the Rock.
She's all of the water in the world
and all the world and all the planet.
What?
What are you talking about?
My friends just got kicked off their land.
Build a shelter over your head.
Sit still, calm down, and trust that the answers will come.
Wait.
Dr. Gunderson.
(sighs)
(laughter and indistinct chatter)
SHELLY: All right.
Here it is.
-MAURA: Wow. Oh, my God. -JOSH: Oh, my God.
-DAVINA: Oh, my God. -MAURA: Shelly Lipkind.
Look how pretty you are.
-DAVINA: That's fantastic. -Thank you, honey.
-JOSH: Mother's maiden name. -Yeah.
Security question numero uno.
SHELLY: Well, it's-it's, I-I realized that was the last time
that I was truly myself.
DAVINA: Hmm.
DONALD: Well, y-you look like a '20s starlet
-or something, Shelly. -SHELLY: Oh.
-No, no, I'm just... -You could be on This Is Us.
...hoping to do a little work
as an extra in the movies.
Um, but-but, Donald,
what do you do for a living?
Oh, um, tech support.
Oh. Ooh.
DONALD: Oh, I get to work in my pajamas.
I, uh, um, don't have to commute.
-It's all wonderful. -JOSH: Great.
I knew it. Every time I call for technical support,
I'm speaking to someone who's sitting in a robe,
-sitting on a couch. -(laughter)
-There are a lot of people working in robes. -Uh-huh.
-(laughter) -It's a... it's a simple life.
I like it.
MAURA: You know, um,
this is wonderful.
-This is lovely. -This is nice.
-DAVINA: It is nice. -Yeah.
I want to say cheers
to Mom kicking that dude out.
(laughter)
-Amazing. -Yeah, it really was.
-Kicking his ass on the curb. -That's right.
It was inspiring.
You know, I wasn't scared of him.
-Mm-hmm. -MAURA: No, and you didn't look scared of him.
SHELLY: Yeah.
MAURA: You owned it.
JOSH: Yeah, you really did.
-I'm gonna... I'll be right back, you guys. -Okay.
-He's the best. -MAURA: The best.
We made a good boy.
Thank you, Ms. Lipkind.
SHELLY: Thank you, Mrs. Pfefferman.
(Sarah, Lila and Len moaning)
Oh, yeah.
Oh, fuck.
Yes.
(moaning)
Yeah. Oh, fuck yeah.
Oh, yeah. My cock is so hard.
-Yeah, fuck me. -It's so hard.
-Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. -Wait, hold on.
-Oh, God! Oh! -Fuck me. Yeah. -Sarah, hold on. Sarah.
-Slow down, slow down, slow down. -Yes, yes, yeah, yeah.
-Yes, I'm gonna come, I'm gonna come. -Slow down.
-I'm gonna come, I'm gonna come. -I'm about to come.
-Oh, me, too. -I need to pull out. I'm gonna come.
-Yes, yes, yes, yes! -Yes! -Sarah, get off.
-SARAH: I am getting off. -Get off me.
-Get off, get off! -(Sarah and Lila shout)
(shouting)
(moaning)
(grunting)
♪ ♪
RITA: Look at you,
wanting to see me for a change.
I need to apologize to you.
You didn't kill me.
I know, but I never wanted things
to end up this way for you.
I mean...
I was a victim.
But I also loved you.
And you've come to banish me.
No.
We'll always be a part of each other.
So...
I'll be here if you ever need me.
(Sarah and Lila sigh)
Fuck, Sarah, I was t...
I was telling you to get off me.
Could you not hear me?
No, I was just screaming too loud.
Yeah, well... I came inside of Lila.
(exhales)
And everywhere we went, everywhere, everywhere,
be it a Bedouin village, be it a toilet,
anything, we sang Jesus Christ Superstar.
Did we not?
-Yes, on top of a camel. -(laughter)
-I love, I love that record. -I love that record.
-Do you really? -DAVINA: I love it, too.
-SHELLY: We do, too. -Yeah, I do.
Whoa, uh, uh...
♪ Sleep and I shall soothe you ♪
♪ Calm you and anoint you ♪
♪ Myrrh for your hot forehead ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ Then you'll feel happy. ♪
MAURA: Next, you're gonna tell me you tap-dance.
(laughs)
♪ And it's cool ♪
♪ And the ointment's fine ♪
-♪ Sweet ♪ -♪ Sweet ♪ -♪ Sweet ♪
ALL: ♪ And it's cool and the ointment's sweet... ♪
DONALD: Yeah.
ALL: ♪ For the fire in your head and feet ♪
♪ Close your eyes ♪
♪ Close your eyes and relax ♪
♪ Think of nothing tonight ♪
♪ Close your eyes ♪
♪ Close your eyes and relax ♪
♪ Think of nothing tonight ♪
♪ Close your eyes ♪
♪ Close your eyes and relax ♪
♪ Think of nothing tonight ♪
♪ All right, yes, everything's all right ♪
♪ Yes, everything's all right ♪
♪ Yes, everything's fine ♪
♪ Everything's all right ♪
♪ Yes, everything's fine. ♪
MAURA: Hmm. I think my neck went out.
-(laughter) -I'm not kidding.
("Everything's Alright" from Jesus Christ Superstar playing)
♪ Try not to get worried ♪
♪ Try not to turn on to ♪
♪ Problems that upset you ♪
-♪ Oh, don't you know? ♪ -♪ Oh ♪
♪ Everything's all right ♪
♪ Yes, everything's fine ♪
♪ And we want you to sleep well tonight ♪
♪ Let the world turn without you tonight ♪
♪ If we try ♪
♪ We'll get by ♪
♪ So forget all about us tonight ♪
♪ Everything's all right ♪
♪ Yes, everything's all right, yes ♪
♪ Sleep and I shall soothe you ♪
♪ Calm you and anoint you ♪
♪ Myrrh for your hot forehead ♪
-♪ Oh, then you'll feel ♪ -♪ Oh ♪
♪ Everything's all right, yes. ♪ ♪